Well Hello Again Everyone!

Wow. Where do I even begin after over a month of quietude?? I have been a busy, busy bee over here, and it has been good for me. I honestly didn't mean to neglect my little blog, and the continued response to it makes me realize how important it is to keep it up. So hi... sorry I have been missing in action. I am back now and will hopefully budget my time a bit better so I can make more regular posts again.

School started for me at the very end of March, and it has been a roller-coaster of a ride. I graduated college back in 2003, so going back after all these years has been a challenge; I never thought I would do it. My three classes have been pretty intense. Two of them focus primarily on drawing, and one of my undergraduate degree majors was studio art. I thought that I would have an advantage because of this, and I kind of do; the hardest part for me has been time management like I said. When I lived in LA before I had my friends and my job and my love. Now I have no love, but school instead, which requires quite a bit of focused time to do the projects and readings. I am spending the money to go back to school, so of course I want to succeed. I handed in my first project last week and got a B+. Not good enough yet for me, so I am happy I have the opportunity to resubmit it again for a better grade.

My job is still going very well, and I really like it. Celebrity sighting are common, like I predicted. We have had Rihanna come in a few times, as well as Neo, Too Short, a bunch of American Idol contestants, and Jamie Foxx. It is very interesting to watch these people get drunk and make tits of themselves. I get a pretty good workout dancing around in the booth to the music while I do my job. Yay.

So what's new with my ex you may ask?

Hmm... a riveting question. I had until very recently still not heard a thing from her. She never sent me that promised email. I was annoyed. So my best friend and I were hanging out and doing work online (which also means we keep our chats and facebook active) about a week and a half ago. It just so happened that my birthday was the next day. I was of course wondering if I would hear from my ex. Anyway, my friend posted an update on facebook that made it pretty clear we were hanging out together. Apparently my ex tried to chat me, but I was not in front of my computer at the time. So she messaged my friend who confirmed we were in the same place. My ex asked her to ask me if I would chat with her. I said yes...

So my patience paid off. We proceeded to catch up for about an hour. I mainly filled her in on all of the great things going on in my life. She said she was elated for me, and crying happy tears about my fortunate circumstances. She told me a few things that were going on in her life, but none of it was very stellar. This could be why she got in touch again, I have always been a pretty good support system. I asked her why she decided to break her silence, and she mentioned that she couldn't take it anymore and that she wanted to be in contact again, and asked if we could audio chat the next day, my birthday. She said it was OK if I didn't want to, but it would mean a lot to her, so of course I said yes. I am still a sucker for her accent and a romantic at heart. And yes, I do still love her. Blah. We set a time to Skype the next day.

We began the chat at the pre-discussed time. We were both pretty excited to hear the other. She cried. She said happy birthday. We filled the other in about family and friend stuff. Neither of us made any mention of the breakup or "F". About a half hour in, I decided I wanted to see her face. It was my birthday after all, so I requested to see her via video chat. She was a little taken aback but seemed eager, which was what I wanted. It was morning for her, so she said she needed a few minutes to look presentable, and I took those minutes to fix myself as well. We turned on the cameras... and stared, and laughed, and cried. Yep, I cried too. It was really good to see her. I was almost able to forget the pain she has caused me... almost. I did bring up the whole internet de-friending incident, and just asked why she did it, and why it seemed to be a "team effort" (not naming "F", but clearly implying). She took a moment and said that it was hard for her to see me happy and she just needed to remove me for her own mental health (I was tempted to mention you can block someone without removing them and causing insult, but I held back). She said she was only responsible for her own actions and there was no discussion or plan with anyone else to act together. So whatever, all in all the session went pretty well. I also got her to sing happy birthday to me (if you have been following this blog, you will know my ex is a front woman in a signed rock band), which was cool.

Since then, she has chatted with me online a bunch of times. The one thing that bothers me about this is that I never know when she is online (she stays "invisible" so fans don't bother her while she is working on the internet) so it is on her terms. She kept telling me how joyous she was to be in touch again and that she has been in the best mood since we talked. She also said again that she missed me. I told her I was happy too that we talked, but I told myself that inside there were still things nagging me. Nothing has been addressed.

Another point worth mentioning is that her best friend was just in the states and came through LA twice during the past month for stopovers. I have always liked this girl and we made plans to connect while she was here. She even stayed with me on her way back home for a night. While she was here, I made no mention of my ex, keeping my relationship and my friendship with this girl completely separate. She even tried to bring my ex up a few times but I changed the subject immediately. I was proud of myself for this, and the friend took note and said it was cool that I wasn't mentioning anything or questioning her. Later that night we went to a bar with some friends before I returned her to the airport. Once she had a few beers she started telling me stuff - like how I was the one that kept my ex up thinking late at night, that she really wanted a friendship again with me, that "F" was nothing, and that I was one of the most incredible people that my ex had ever met, etc. And then she asked me if I wanted to know the truth about my ex and "F". I said no. I am so sick and tired about hearing what she is doing from my sources there, and what she is not doing from this friend of hers. It is my ex's responsibility, honestly, to tell me what is going on, and I conveyed that message to her friend to bring back with her.

So in summation, after about three months of using all the strength within me to avoid contact with my ex and respect her request for space, it turned out OK. We are sort of in contact again, nothing serious though. The more I sit with it however, the less sure I am that it's even a good idea to be talking to her now. Like I said, nothing has been discussed and that bothers me. I feel it is her duty to bring it up since she dumped and hurt me. I also don't like that I am back to thinking abut her daily and wondering if she will be online and seek me out. I don't want to regress, I am doing so well. I am entertaining the thought of letting her know the next time she chats me that I would like her to complete and send me that email she supposedly began a month and a half ago now. I don't need a beautifully written email - but I am interested in what she was going to say. I don't think that just because she reached out on my birthday she should be excused from explaining herself. I think she owes me that email, and I want her to send it so I can read it and then decide if talking to her and being friends with her is the best thing for me. I need to take the power back and have the ball in my court again. She has already put me through too much and I won't let her do any more damage right now. I hope I have the fortitude to say that when the time comes.

Biebians, Ha.

Just a quick post to share this little gem my friend showed me the other day. It is hilarious. I didn't even know who Justin Bieber was until I felt it necessary to do the research to fully appreciate this site. The pictures are funny enough, but the girl who runs the site, Dannielle, writes such amusing captions that I often find myself crying with laughter, which is exactly what I need after the past couple of months. I now visit the website daily for a great dose of humor to go with my morning coffee. Enjoy!

http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

Warm Weather and Smiles

I will start by saying that I love being back here in LA. I have spent the last couple of days adjusting to being back and reconnecting with my friends here. The weather has been amazing! Over 80 degrees and beautifully sunny. Such a change from the chilly, bleak weather I left behind on the east coast. It feels right to be back here. I have a lot to accomplish and I feel the momentum within myself. I have been busy already and I know it will only get more intense when school starts. Bring it!

So upon arriving at the airport, I was promptly scooped up and taken for beers at a Mexican place in West Hollywood by my two close friends. We had a great time catching up and declaring how it was great to have our little group back together again. We closed the joint down and I went to bed feeling positive and loved.

On Monday I began training for my new job. The job basically consists of me running the lights for a brand new club in Hollywood. I get to sit in the DJ booth and run the show for people on the dance floor to the beats of the music. It's a great gig for me; music has always been a huge influence in my life. I have been to a lot of shows and festivals, and I did just date a musician in a signed rock band. While I was back east, I didn't listen to much since so many tunes reminded me of my ex - she performed a lot of covers during her solo shows and it seemed as if I couldn't turn on the radio without hearing something that caused me to think of her. This job will allow me access to fresh stuff from DJs and will help me get back into enjoying the social atmosphere and music of clubs. My first night actually working was last night, and it happened to be the opening night of the venue. I saw all of the American Idol judges (minus Ellen), a Lakers player, and apparently Pink turned up as well but I didn't see her. Like any new club in Hollywood, it is expected that stars will frequent it, at least for the first three months or so. I had a great time people watching and doing my thing.

As for what else I have done so far... let's see. A highlight the other day was picking lemons from a friend's tree. It was something I haven't done before and really enjoyed. You can smell the citrus right as they detach from the branch. I got myself a little bag of them and intend to make me some lemonade. Hey - when life gives you lemons, right?? Haha. I feel good. I organized a bar night on Hollywood Blvd on Tuesday and saw a bunch more people that I have always liked here. I really do feel fortunate (especially in a town like this) that I have been able to meet so many great friends that are genuinely happy to have me back.

Because organizing my life and work has been keeping me busy, I really haven't had much time to focus on my ex, which is ex-cellent. The only update I have on that front is this - one of my good friends had been sending her a few emails, checking on her and stuff. My ex calls this girl one of her best friends too, but would not respond to any of the emails. This caused said friend to become annoyed and write another email expressing disappointment in my ex's lack of ability to take five seconds out of her day to reply. Interestingly, my ex replied to that one shortly after, saying that she understood my friend being upset, and that the reason she has kept quiet is because she owes me a large email and is stuck with what to say; she didn't want to reply to our friends before she replied to me so it wouldn't look like I wasn't a top priority or whatever. So apparently she is still trying to find words to reply to that message I sent her over two weeks ago now, that she was going to "respond to at her earliest convenience". It made me feel good to know that she is putting in some sort of effort. She isn't usually one to become stuck with words though, which leads me to believe that maybe she is going to fess up to being with "F" or something. I have so much going on, I don't let that get to me so much anymore. I will be interested to see what she says, if she ever does find the words.

Spring Ahead

I am writing this post from the airport. I wanted to get one more in from this side of the country. We moved the clocks forward last night, losing an hour of sleep but signaling the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, and soon, Spring. I find it serendipitous that this event has occurred and coincided with my departure back to LA. I too am about to "spring ahead", without certainty of what will happen, but with excitement for a new chance at growth. This is my chance to really show myself and everyone else that this break up has not gotten the best of me, and that my greatest days are yet to come.

I feel lucky that I did not let my depression beat me. I have heard way too many stories of people that felt the way I did and just couldn't go on any longer. I felt for awhile that I didn't want to either. It was a scary time, and super frustrating. Yet I have been able to realize that I do have potential and strength within, probably more so than I ever thought. Through this experience, it has been allowed to manifest itself more than it ever has before in my life. My determination is still gaining momentum, and I am very much looking forward to relaying whatever is to come.

Spring signifies rebirth, rejuvenation, and new emergences. I am happily embracing these themes as ones of my personal journey as well. It's true right now; anything is possible. I have a clean slate to work with and I really can do anything I put my mind to. I have been motivated before, but this case is different in that I am finally mature enough to know that good happenings and opportunities will not just fall into my lap - I have to go and find them and make them work for me. I am ready to tackle this next step in my life. I believe that it has all played out this way for a reason, and I am going take from it all that it is worth.

Assessment Time

Wow, it has been quite a time these past two months. I began at my personal rock bottom. I returned to live with my parents after being dumped across the globe by the one I still love most in the world. I came back to no job, no apartment, no money, no direction. I felt lost and depressed and small. I listened to rumors that made sitting with my thoughts one hundred times worse. I dwelled on things I couldn't change and theories I couldn't prove. I felt the most heartbroken I have ever felt in my life.

Since that as being the start, I have made some progress. Through a friend's connection, I have a house to stay at in the Hollywood Hills until I can get my apartment back. I just got a job through another friend at a nightclub that should earn me enough money to live comfortably on. I decided to go back to school, and start a program at the end of this month. I have things to look forward to that are going to keep me very busy. This is key.

I return to LA tomorrow. I am looking at it as the beginning point of a new phase in my life. This phase is going to be about me, and doing what I need to do to find happiness within myself. Once I attain that, I may be ready to be with another again. As scary as it is to go back to LA completely alone, I know that once I have things I am proud of that are my own, I will feel the most accomplished I have ever felt.

Dating is the farthest thing away in my mind right now. My heart is still pretty broken and I continue to think about my ex daily. It will be two weeks on Tuesday since our last communication, in which she briefly said she would reply to an email I sent in full at her earliest convenience. It sounded very genuine, so I can only assume she is going through her own stuff right now. Even if she doesn't write back, I am glad I still said what I needed to and it moved her enough to respond even briefly. I am trying not to focus on her.

I have heard a little more possibly confirming the rumors once again. My ex and "F" were apparently seen kissing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as it initially did. If nothing else, I have maybe learned things about my partner that make this break up easier. If she can really go ahead with a new relationship now and does not have the courage to tell me or the honesty that compels her to, why would I want to be with her anyway? I remind myself again that rumors are not to be taken as truth. Maybe one day my ex will feel she can talk to me about the real story. Of course I still miss her for who she was to me and I do believe the love we had was a good one. I think she needs to figure herself out as much as I need to do my own thing. Whatever will be will be. I am looking forward to things for me now. Tomorrow, everything starts anew.

I Love My Friends

Just got back from an awesome weekend in Boston. Let me tell you - when you go through something as scarring as a break up, you really find out who your true friends are. Since I have been back east, I have reached out to friends that I have known for different amounts of time and have kept in various levels of touch with over the years. I have been disappointed in a few of them and their lack of interest in following up with me after I initially told them about my ordeal. I am absolutely not one that searches for pity from people, but if the roles were reversed, I know that I would have enough concern for someone to at least follow up and ask how they were doing after some time went by.

Anyway, I have clearly been made aware of how important particular friends are in my life and how much I am cared about. It has been a great realization. It shows that in many cases, no matter how you may drift apart or not see someone for a while, the foundational roots of true friendship remain and manifest themselves at times of need. I feel fortunate to have been able to first-handedly witness such outpourings of care and support over the past couple of months. I will honor a few of them here by listing examples of how they have helped me. I hope those of you out there going through break ups of your own find strength from your friendships as well.

My best friend from high school - I have already mentioned her in another post and how pivotal she has been in my healing. She has never been a huge conversationalist, so I never expected much in the line of relationship advice. She came through for me in the way of using common sense and planning. She made herself available on her days off and organized a list of activities that I would possibly enjoy. In the early parts of my depression I was in no shape to make decisions, so having a list of options to pick from was invaluable. And I did end up doing many activities that were lots of fun that I wouldn't normally find time to do.

An old friend from elementary school - This girl is someone with whom I have always gotten along very well. However, during and after high school we went our own ways as life took us different places. After college when I was in town, we would try to meet up with the old group once a year around the holidays. She and I never kept in touch during the rest of the year, but she is someone with whom I can pick up where I leave off, which is nice. She became an incredible support for me in another way - by reminding me of who I was when we were younger and convincing me I still had a lot of spirit in me. Like I have said, over the years I have lost a bit of individuality through being in relationships, and at the end of my most recent one I have felt lost and empty and kind of confused about who I really was, on my own. Having an old friend to talk to that knew me at a time when things were innocent and simple helped me realize that the essence of who I am is still within my personal fabric. My "self" has been buried and perhaps altered a little bit over the years, but I have fundamentally remained the same good person that she knew back in the day. This friend has also always been very intuitive and into things such as energy healing. She introduced me to a woman who describes herself as a spiritual healer that she was sure would help me. I did end up going to a session and felt heaps better than I did before I went in. Whatever any person wants to believe regarding that sort of thing is fine with me, but I know that my energy was definitely out of whack because of my depression, and I can say with certainty that I benefitted from the work this woman did on me. Worth a try if you can find someone with the natural gift of healing.

A more recent friend from within the last decade - She is the one I just got back from seeing. She just found out through the grapevine that I was back east. She didn't ask for details, but assumed that my financial situation wasn't stellar. She took it upon herself to buy me a bus ticket to see her and paid for everything while I was there. She provided me with a much needed change of scenery. She and her girlfriend are lovely people and I felt so welcomed in their company. We went out to eat a couple of times, we went dancing one night. It was good to get back into nightlife a bit. My friend told me her aim was to get my mind off of my situation for a weekend, and it worked. I had such a good time and came back feeling refreshed and excited about life. It made me look even more forward to getting back to LA. The energy of big cities has always been good for me.

My two best friends in LA - They have been supportive as well from a distance. They have each dealt with break ups recently as well, so having that common ground has let us help each other and be helped by each other. We have kept in touch over the phone, and I know that when I go back there in a week they will assist in the continuation of my healing. It really blows my mind how many people are dealing with similar situations right now. Support systems are everything! Hang in there people and let your friends and family be there for you - it has done wonders for me.

Reaching Out

I caved in the other day (sort of) and sent an email to my ex. She was expecting one at some point this month concerning some financial obligations we need to take care of together. I decided though, at the end, to write a few paragraphs regarding my disappointment in being taken out of her online social network. I have remained upset about this, especially since I have lately just decided to just let everything be; I don't want drama in my life and realized I shouldn't let things I cannot change bother me so much or consume my thoughts. My agitation around the issue was resulting from not being able to speak with her in person and defend myself.

What I wrote was basically this:

I believed she was made aware of the fact that I knew about the rumors over there. I was assuming that was why she cut off further communication from me. I expressed dismay at losing her and other friends ("F") over it, and stated that it made me sad because I was not aware of committing a crime that would warrant such action. I told her I haven't been in touch with my sources there for a bit and had no idea what was being said about me and my opinions in regard to the rumors, so all I could do was hope she would hear me out in the email.

I told her that the rumors were obviously distressing for me to hear but that I kept returning to the point that her life was her business and she could tell whomever she wanted whatever she wanted. I told her that as she knew, I had maintained a silence about the rumors because I didn't want to make them a big deal with her. I also refrained from asking her what the true story was in the email. I basically said that still I trusted her and her integrity and was not making what other people said my worry. I said the only reason I was breaking my silence now was because I didn't want to be put on a "side" of an issue that didn't even involve me.

I told her that I knew she was making decisions based on what she thought was best for her. I told her I could respect that. I said I missed her and still think she is wonderful and beautiful, and that her friendship remains important to me. I told her to remember she knows me, and the words we spoke to each other still remain valid and personal. Nothing I have heard will take that away. I wanted her to know my character hasn't changed, and I sincerely continue to wish her the best in every part of her life.

That's pretty much it. Everything I said was very honest, and similar to the feelings I have been conveying in my last couple of posts in this blog. I felt it was important to reach out to her and let her know that even though I have been making myself nuts a little bit, the other (better) half of me still has an indestructible confidence in her as a person. Even if she is with another, I know she is only doing what she believes is the best thing right now. The more I think about it though, the less I believe she is really with "F". I think she is working on herself.

And you know what? About 45 minutes after I sent that email, I got a response, much to my surprise. She said she was on her way out but was so touched by what I wrote she had to reply quickly to say she would reply fully at her earliest convenience. And she said she missed me too... terribly. I cried the first happy tears I have cried in months. Sending that email was the only thing that I felt I had to do that also felt right when I actually did it. My past emails were too much and I knew it. Naked honesty and trust was what she needed to hear, and I knew it and it paid off.

I didn't expect that response. I don't expect to be added back to her social network right now. I just wanted to separate myself from the drama. Screw the rumors. I am sure she has her hands full where she is, and the last thing she needed was to feel I was contributing to it or helping to spread it around from the other side of the globe. I want her to picture me doing my own thing and being happy. Any vision of the opposite will never help my case. I look forward to her full response at a later time. Even if she never sends one, just knowing I was able to touch that sensitive part of her again was worth it for me.