School started for me at the very end of March, and it has been a roller-coaster of a ride. I graduated college back in 2003, so going back after all these years has been a challenge; I never thought I would do it. My three classes have been pretty intense. Two of them focus primarily on drawing, and one of my undergraduate degree majors was studio art. I thought that I would have an advantage because of this, and I kind of do; the hardest part for me has been time management like I said. When I lived in LA before I had my friends and my job and my love. Now I have no love, but school instead, which requires quite a bit of focused time to do the projects and readings. I am spending the money to go back to school, so of course I want to succeed. I handed in my first project last week and got a B+. Not good enough yet for me, so I am happy I have the opportunity to resubmit it again for a better grade.
My job is still going very well, and I really like it. Celebrity sighting are common, like I predicted. We have had Rihanna come in a few times, as well as Neo, Too Short, a bunch of American Idol contestants, and Jamie Foxx. It is very interesting to watch these people get drunk and make tits of themselves. I get a pretty good workout dancing around in the booth to the music while I do my job. Yay.
So what's new with my ex you may ask?
Hmm... a riveting question. I had until very recently still not heard a thing from her. She never sent me that promised email. I was annoyed. So my best friend and I were hanging out and doing work online (which also means we keep our chats and facebook active) about a week and a half ago. It just so happened that my birthday was the next day. I was of course wondering if I would hear from my ex. Anyway, my friend posted an update on facebook that made it pretty clear we were hanging out together. Apparently my ex tried to chat me, but I was not in front of my computer at the time. So she messaged my friend who confirmed we were in the same place. My ex asked her to ask me if I would chat with her. I said yes...
So my patience paid off. We proceeded to catch up for about an hour. I mainly filled her in on all of the great things going on in my life. She said she was elated for me, and crying happy tears about my fortunate circumstances. She told me a few things that were going on in her life, but none of it was very stellar. This could be why she got in touch again, I have always been a pretty good support system. I asked her why she decided to break her silence, and she mentioned that she couldn't take it anymore and that she wanted to be in contact again, and asked if we could audio chat the next day, my birthday. She said it was OK if I didn't want to, but it would mean a lot to her, so of course I said yes. I am still a sucker for her accent and a romantic at heart. And yes, I do still love her. Blah. We set a time to Skype the next day.
We began the chat at the pre-discussed time. We were both pretty excited to hear the other. She cried. She said happy birthday. We filled the other in about family and friend stuff. Neither of us made any mention of the breakup or "F". About a half hour in, I decided I wanted to see her face. It was my birthday after all, so I requested to see her via video chat. She was a little taken aback but seemed eager, which was what I wanted. It was morning for her, so she said she needed a few minutes to look presentable, and I took those minutes to fix myself as well. We turned on the cameras... and stared, and laughed, and cried. Yep, I cried too. It was really good to see her. I was almost able to forget the pain she has caused me... almost. I did bring up the whole internet de-friending incident, and just asked why she did it, and why it seemed to be a "team effort" (not naming "F", but clearly implying). She took a moment and said that it was hard for her to see me happy and she just needed to remove me for her own mental health (I was tempted to mention you can block someone without removing them and causing insult, but I held back). She said she was only responsible for her own actions and there was no discussion or plan with anyone else to act together. So whatever, all in all the session went pretty well. I also got her to sing happy birthday to me (if you have been following this blog, you will know my ex is a front woman in a signed rock band), which was cool.
Since then, she has chatted with me online a bunch of times. The one thing that bothers me about this is that I never know when she is online (she stays "invisible" so fans don't bother her while she is working on the internet) so it is on her terms. She kept telling me how joyous she was to be in touch again and that she has been in the best mood since we talked. She also said again that she missed me. I told her I was happy too that we talked, but I told myself that inside there were still things nagging me. Nothing has been addressed.
Another point worth mentioning is that her best friend was just in the states and came through LA twice during the past month for stopovers. I have always liked this girl and we made plans to connect while she was here. She even stayed with me on her way back home for a night. While she was here, I made no mention of my ex, keeping my relationship and my friendship with this girl completely separate. She even tried to bring my ex up a few times but I changed the subject immediately. I was proud of myself for this, and the friend took note and said it was cool that I wasn't mentioning anything or questioning her. Later that night we went to a bar with some friends before I returned her to the airport. Once she had a few beers she started telling me stuff - like how I was the one that kept my ex up thinking late at night, that she really wanted a friendship again with me, that "F" was nothing, and that I was one of the most incredible people that my ex had ever met, etc. And then she asked me if I wanted to know the truth about my ex and "F". I said no. I am so sick and tired about hearing what she is doing from my sources there, and what she is not doing from this friend of hers. It is my ex's responsibility, honestly, to tell me what is going on, and I conveyed that message to her friend to bring back with her.
So in summation, after about three months of using all the strength within me to avoid contact with my ex and respect her request for space, it turned out OK. We are sort of in contact again, nothing serious though. The more I sit with it however, the less sure I am that it's even a good idea to be talking to her now. Like I said, nothing has been discussed and that bothers me. I feel it is her duty to bring it up since she dumped and hurt me. I also don't like that I am back to thinking abut her daily and wondering if she will be online and seek me out. I don't want to regress, I am doing so well. I am entertaining the thought of letting her know the next time she chats me that I would like her to complete and send me that email she supposedly began a month and a half ago now. I don't need a beautifully written email - but I am interested in what she was going to say. I don't think that just because she reached out on my birthday she should be excused from explaining herself. I think she owes me that email, and I want her to send it so I can read it and then decide if talking to her and being friends with her is the best thing for me. I need to take the power back and have the ball in my court again. She has already put me through too much and I won't let her do any more damage right now. I hope I have the fortitude to say that when the time comes.
