Biebians, Ha.

Just a quick post to share this little gem my friend showed me the other day. It is hilarious. I didn't even know who Justin Bieber was until I felt it necessary to do the research to fully appreciate this site. The pictures are funny enough, but the girl who runs the site, Dannielle, writes such amusing captions that I often find myself crying with laughter, which is exactly what I need after the past couple of months. I now visit the website daily for a great dose of humor to go with my morning coffee. Enjoy!

http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

Warm Weather and Smiles

I will start by saying that I love being back here in LA. I have spent the last couple of days adjusting to being back and reconnecting with my friends here. The weather has been amazing! Over 80 degrees and beautifully sunny. Such a change from the chilly, bleak weather I left behind on the east coast. It feels right to be back here. I have a lot to accomplish and I feel the momentum within myself. I have been busy already and I know it will only get more intense when school starts. Bring it!

So upon arriving at the airport, I was promptly scooped up and taken for beers at a Mexican place in West Hollywood by my two close friends. We had a great time catching up and declaring how it was great to have our little group back together again. We closed the joint down and I went to bed feeling positive and loved.

On Monday I began training for my new job. The job basically consists of me running the lights for a brand new club in Hollywood. I get to sit in the DJ booth and run the show for people on the dance floor to the beats of the music. It's a great gig for me; music has always been a huge influence in my life. I have been to a lot of shows and festivals, and I did just date a musician in a signed rock band. While I was back east, I didn't listen to much since so many tunes reminded me of my ex - she performed a lot of covers during her solo shows and it seemed as if I couldn't turn on the radio without hearing something that caused me to think of her. This job will allow me access to fresh stuff from DJs and will help me get back into enjoying the social atmosphere and music of clubs. My first night actually working was last night, and it happened to be the opening night of the venue. I saw all of the American Idol judges (minus Ellen), a Lakers player, and apparently Pink turned up as well but I didn't see her. Like any new club in Hollywood, it is expected that stars will frequent it, at least for the first three months or so. I had a great time people watching and doing my thing.

As for what else I have done so far... let's see. A highlight the other day was picking lemons from a friend's tree. It was something I haven't done before and really enjoyed. You can smell the citrus right as they detach from the branch. I got myself a little bag of them and intend to make me some lemonade. Hey - when life gives you lemons, right?? Haha. I feel good. I organized a bar night on Hollywood Blvd on Tuesday and saw a bunch more people that I have always liked here. I really do feel fortunate (especially in a town like this) that I have been able to meet so many great friends that are genuinely happy to have me back.

Because organizing my life and work has been keeping me busy, I really haven't had much time to focus on my ex, which is ex-cellent. The only update I have on that front is this - one of my good friends had been sending her a few emails, checking on her and stuff. My ex calls this girl one of her best friends too, but would not respond to any of the emails. This caused said friend to become annoyed and write another email expressing disappointment in my ex's lack of ability to take five seconds out of her day to reply. Interestingly, my ex replied to that one shortly after, saying that she understood my friend being upset, and that the reason she has kept quiet is because she owes me a large email and is stuck with what to say; she didn't want to reply to our friends before she replied to me so it wouldn't look like I wasn't a top priority or whatever. So apparently she is still trying to find words to reply to that message I sent her over two weeks ago now, that she was going to "respond to at her earliest convenience". It made me feel good to know that she is putting in some sort of effort. She isn't usually one to become stuck with words though, which leads me to believe that maybe she is going to fess up to being with "F" or something. I have so much going on, I don't let that get to me so much anymore. I will be interested to see what she says, if she ever does find the words.

Spring Ahead

I am writing this post from the airport. I wanted to get one more in from this side of the country. We moved the clocks forward last night, losing an hour of sleep but signaling the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, and soon, Spring. I find it serendipitous that this event has occurred and coincided with my departure back to LA. I too am about to "spring ahead", without certainty of what will happen, but with excitement for a new chance at growth. This is my chance to really show myself and everyone else that this break up has not gotten the best of me, and that my greatest days are yet to come.

I feel lucky that I did not let my depression beat me. I have heard way too many stories of people that felt the way I did and just couldn't go on any longer. I felt for awhile that I didn't want to either. It was a scary time, and super frustrating. Yet I have been able to realize that I do have potential and strength within, probably more so than I ever thought. Through this experience, it has been allowed to manifest itself more than it ever has before in my life. My determination is still gaining momentum, and I am very much looking forward to relaying whatever is to come.

Spring signifies rebirth, rejuvenation, and new emergences. I am happily embracing these themes as ones of my personal journey as well. It's true right now; anything is possible. I have a clean slate to work with and I really can do anything I put my mind to. I have been motivated before, but this case is different in that I am finally mature enough to know that good happenings and opportunities will not just fall into my lap - I have to go and find them and make them work for me. I am ready to tackle this next step in my life. I believe that it has all played out this way for a reason, and I am going take from it all that it is worth.

Assessment Time

Wow, it has been quite a time these past two months. I began at my personal rock bottom. I returned to live with my parents after being dumped across the globe by the one I still love most in the world. I came back to no job, no apartment, no money, no direction. I felt lost and depressed and small. I listened to rumors that made sitting with my thoughts one hundred times worse. I dwelled on things I couldn't change and theories I couldn't prove. I felt the most heartbroken I have ever felt in my life.

Since that as being the start, I have made some progress. Through a friend's connection, I have a house to stay at in the Hollywood Hills until I can get my apartment back. I just got a job through another friend at a nightclub that should earn me enough money to live comfortably on. I decided to go back to school, and start a program at the end of this month. I have things to look forward to that are going to keep me very busy. This is key.

I return to LA tomorrow. I am looking at it as the beginning point of a new phase in my life. This phase is going to be about me, and doing what I need to do to find happiness within myself. Once I attain that, I may be ready to be with another again. As scary as it is to go back to LA completely alone, I know that once I have things I am proud of that are my own, I will feel the most accomplished I have ever felt.

Dating is the farthest thing away in my mind right now. My heart is still pretty broken and I continue to think about my ex daily. It will be two weeks on Tuesday since our last communication, in which she briefly said she would reply to an email I sent in full at her earliest convenience. It sounded very genuine, so I can only assume she is going through her own stuff right now. Even if she doesn't write back, I am glad I still said what I needed to and it moved her enough to respond even briefly. I am trying not to focus on her.

I have heard a little more possibly confirming the rumors once again. My ex and "F" were apparently seen kissing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as it initially did. If nothing else, I have maybe learned things about my partner that make this break up easier. If she can really go ahead with a new relationship now and does not have the courage to tell me or the honesty that compels her to, why would I want to be with her anyway? I remind myself again that rumors are not to be taken as truth. Maybe one day my ex will feel she can talk to me about the real story. Of course I still miss her for who she was to me and I do believe the love we had was a good one. I think she needs to figure herself out as much as I need to do my own thing. Whatever will be will be. I am looking forward to things for me now. Tomorrow, everything starts anew.

I Love My Friends

Just got back from an awesome weekend in Boston. Let me tell you - when you go through something as scarring as a break up, you really find out who your true friends are. Since I have been back east, I have reached out to friends that I have known for different amounts of time and have kept in various levels of touch with over the years. I have been disappointed in a few of them and their lack of interest in following up with me after I initially told them about my ordeal. I am absolutely not one that searches for pity from people, but if the roles were reversed, I know that I would have enough concern for someone to at least follow up and ask how they were doing after some time went by.

Anyway, I have clearly been made aware of how important particular friends are in my life and how much I am cared about. It has been a great realization. It shows that in many cases, no matter how you may drift apart or not see someone for a while, the foundational roots of true friendship remain and manifest themselves at times of need. I feel fortunate to have been able to first-handedly witness such outpourings of care and support over the past couple of months. I will honor a few of them here by listing examples of how they have helped me. I hope those of you out there going through break ups of your own find strength from your friendships as well.

My best friend from high school - I have already mentioned her in another post and how pivotal she has been in my healing. She has never been a huge conversationalist, so I never expected much in the line of relationship advice. She came through for me in the way of using common sense and planning. She made herself available on her days off and organized a list of activities that I would possibly enjoy. In the early parts of my depression I was in no shape to make decisions, so having a list of options to pick from was invaluable. And I did end up doing many activities that were lots of fun that I wouldn't normally find time to do.

An old friend from elementary school - This girl is someone with whom I have always gotten along very well. However, during and after high school we went our own ways as life took us different places. After college when I was in town, we would try to meet up with the old group once a year around the holidays. She and I never kept in touch during the rest of the year, but she is someone with whom I can pick up where I leave off, which is nice. She became an incredible support for me in another way - by reminding me of who I was when we were younger and convincing me I still had a lot of spirit in me. Like I have said, over the years I have lost a bit of individuality through being in relationships, and at the end of my most recent one I have felt lost and empty and kind of confused about who I really was, on my own. Having an old friend to talk to that knew me at a time when things were innocent and simple helped me realize that the essence of who I am is still within my personal fabric. My "self" has been buried and perhaps altered a little bit over the years, but I have fundamentally remained the same good person that she knew back in the day. This friend has also always been very intuitive and into things such as energy healing. She introduced me to a woman who describes herself as a spiritual healer that she was sure would help me. I did end up going to a session and felt heaps better than I did before I went in. Whatever any person wants to believe regarding that sort of thing is fine with me, but I know that my energy was definitely out of whack because of my depression, and I can say with certainty that I benefitted from the work this woman did on me. Worth a try if you can find someone with the natural gift of healing.

A more recent friend from within the last decade - She is the one I just got back from seeing. She just found out through the grapevine that I was back east. She didn't ask for details, but assumed that my financial situation wasn't stellar. She took it upon herself to buy me a bus ticket to see her and paid for everything while I was there. She provided me with a much needed change of scenery. She and her girlfriend are lovely people and I felt so welcomed in their company. We went out to eat a couple of times, we went dancing one night. It was good to get back into nightlife a bit. My friend told me her aim was to get my mind off of my situation for a weekend, and it worked. I had such a good time and came back feeling refreshed and excited about life. It made me look even more forward to getting back to LA. The energy of big cities has always been good for me.

My two best friends in LA - They have been supportive as well from a distance. They have each dealt with break ups recently as well, so having that common ground has let us help each other and be helped by each other. We have kept in touch over the phone, and I know that when I go back there in a week they will assist in the continuation of my healing. It really blows my mind how many people are dealing with similar situations right now. Support systems are everything! Hang in there people and let your friends and family be there for you - it has done wonders for me.

Reaching Out

I caved in the other day (sort of) and sent an email to my ex. She was expecting one at some point this month concerning some financial obligations we need to take care of together. I decided though, at the end, to write a few paragraphs regarding my disappointment in being taken out of her online social network. I have remained upset about this, especially since I have lately just decided to just let everything be; I don't want drama in my life and realized I shouldn't let things I cannot change bother me so much or consume my thoughts. My agitation around the issue was resulting from not being able to speak with her in person and defend myself.

What I wrote was basically this:

I believed she was made aware of the fact that I knew about the rumors over there. I was assuming that was why she cut off further communication from me. I expressed dismay at losing her and other friends ("F") over it, and stated that it made me sad because I was not aware of committing a crime that would warrant such action. I told her I haven't been in touch with my sources there for a bit and had no idea what was being said about me and my opinions in regard to the rumors, so all I could do was hope she would hear me out in the email.

I told her that the rumors were obviously distressing for me to hear but that I kept returning to the point that her life was her business and she could tell whomever she wanted whatever she wanted. I told her that as she knew, I had maintained a silence about the rumors because I didn't want to make them a big deal with her. I also refrained from asking her what the true story was in the email. I basically said that still I trusted her and her integrity and was not making what other people said my worry. I said the only reason I was breaking my silence now was because I didn't want to be put on a "side" of an issue that didn't even involve me.

I told her that I knew she was making decisions based on what she thought was best for her. I told her I could respect that. I said I missed her and still think she is wonderful and beautiful, and that her friendship remains important to me. I told her to remember she knows me, and the words we spoke to each other still remain valid and personal. Nothing I have heard will take that away. I wanted her to know my character hasn't changed, and I sincerely continue to wish her the best in every part of her life.

That's pretty much it. Everything I said was very honest, and similar to the feelings I have been conveying in my last couple of posts in this blog. I felt it was important to reach out to her and let her know that even though I have been making myself nuts a little bit, the other (better) half of me still has an indestructible confidence in her as a person. Even if she is with another, I know she is only doing what she believes is the best thing right now. The more I think about it though, the less I believe she is really with "F". I think she is working on herself.

And you know what? About 45 minutes after I sent that email, I got a response, much to my surprise. She said she was on her way out but was so touched by what I wrote she had to reply quickly to say she would reply fully at her earliest convenience. And she said she missed me too... terribly. I cried the first happy tears I have cried in months. Sending that email was the only thing that I felt I had to do that also felt right when I actually did it. My past emails were too much and I knew it. Naked honesty and trust was what she needed to hear, and I knew it and it paid off.

I didn't expect that response. I don't expect to be added back to her social network right now. I just wanted to separate myself from the drama. Screw the rumors. I am sure she has her hands full where she is, and the last thing she needed was to feel I was contributing to it or helping to spread it around from the other side of the globe. I want her to picture me doing my own thing and being happy. Any vision of the opposite will never help my case. I look forward to her full response at a later time. Even if she never sends one, just knowing I was able to touch that sensitive part of her again was worth it for me.

Open Letter To My Ex

My Dear Baby,

I write you here because I have no other way to tell you what I am thinking and feeling; we are still not in touch per your request. I know you will never read this, but I am putting it out into the universe with the intention that maybe you will at least feel the meaning of it within yourself at some point.

I would like to begin by saying that I am sorry. I have let my emotions run higher than I have been able to control, and the results have been damaging. I have been fighting a conflict within myself between believing who I know you to be and believing other people who are judging and speculating on your life and actions. This has caused me to do some of the same, and I am out on the other side of it feeling ugly and empty. I didn't mean to lose faith in you and your decisions, whatever they may be. I know you are making them for a reason.

I believe in you. I want you to do whatever you feel you need to do to achieve happiness in life. Only you can decide what is best for yourself and your soul. You have my blessing to do it; not because you have asked for it or need it, but because I want to offer it to you. Be free, be happy. You know you are special and are meant for great things. I want you to fly to heights even you haven't imagined yet. You have helped me believe in myself and for that I owe you more than I can give. You were able to see things in me that I always wanted to think existed, and have given me the push I needed to make my dreams a reality.

I miss you. I don't think that will change for a really long time, if ever. I have stopped crying at every little thing that reminds me of you though, which is good. I now pass by certain places or hear certain songs and think of you fondly. I have made a conscious effort not to lose music through our break up, as music was such a huge part of our time together and so many songs could have been lost. When I hear one now I turn it up and feel it; I remember you being with me a particular time we have heard it or that you have sung it. It gets easier every time. I reminisce of our good times and feel fortunate they existed in the first place. I take comfort in knowing I have so many good memories with you that have no chance of being forgotten any time soon. I know you miss me too. I can feel it from here.

I don't know if I will ever see you again. That is a possibility of course. You are half a world away and I know there is the chance you will never come back to the states again. I know you would like to but everything will depend on where your work will take you. I hope it takes you far, as you have strived so long for success; I want the dream that everyone has believed in for so long to become real for you. You deserve it. If I don't get the pleasure to see you again, I hope you at least would like to keep in touch with me in the future. I miss talking to my best friend. I have made progress in my life that I would enjoy sharing with you. I would like to hear about yours as well.

I love you. I know you love me back too. This is a hard situation we have gotten ourselves into, and the story line and climax remain unclear. Despite the distance and outside noise, I can still feel the love within me. I protect it in its special place and keep it there. No matter what, nobody can take that away.

Please take care of yourself as I am not there to protect you. I hope with every passing day that you are doing well and being strong. Stay true to yourself and everything else will fall into place.

From My Heart,

Me