Well Hello Again Everyone!

Wow. Where do I even begin after over a month of quietude?? I have been a busy, busy bee over here, and it has been good for me. I honestly didn't mean to neglect my little blog, and the continued response to it makes me realize how important it is to keep it up. So hi... sorry I have been missing in action. I am back now and will hopefully budget my time a bit better so I can make more regular posts again.

School started for me at the very end of March, and it has been a roller-coaster of a ride. I graduated college back in 2003, so going back after all these years has been a challenge; I never thought I would do it. My three classes have been pretty intense. Two of them focus primarily on drawing, and one of my undergraduate degree majors was studio art. I thought that I would have an advantage because of this, and I kind of do; the hardest part for me has been time management like I said. When I lived in LA before I had my friends and my job and my love. Now I have no love, but school instead, which requires quite a bit of focused time to do the projects and readings. I am spending the money to go back to school, so of course I want to succeed. I handed in my first project last week and got a B+. Not good enough yet for me, so I am happy I have the opportunity to resubmit it again for a better grade.

My job is still going very well, and I really like it. Celebrity sighting are common, like I predicted. We have had Rihanna come in a few times, as well as Neo, Too Short, a bunch of American Idol contestants, and Jamie Foxx. It is very interesting to watch these people get drunk and make tits of themselves. I get a pretty good workout dancing around in the booth to the music while I do my job. Yay.

So what's new with my ex you may ask?

Hmm... a riveting question. I had until very recently still not heard a thing from her. She never sent me that promised email. I was annoyed. So my best friend and I were hanging out and doing work online (which also means we keep our chats and facebook active) about a week and a half ago. It just so happened that my birthday was the next day. I was of course wondering if I would hear from my ex. Anyway, my friend posted an update on facebook that made it pretty clear we were hanging out together. Apparently my ex tried to chat me, but I was not in front of my computer at the time. So she messaged my friend who confirmed we were in the same place. My ex asked her to ask me if I would chat with her. I said yes...

So my patience paid off. We proceeded to catch up for about an hour. I mainly filled her in on all of the great things going on in my life. She said she was elated for me, and crying happy tears about my fortunate circumstances. She told me a few things that were going on in her life, but none of it was very stellar. This could be why she got in touch again, I have always been a pretty good support system. I asked her why she decided to break her silence, and she mentioned that she couldn't take it anymore and that she wanted to be in contact again, and asked if we could audio chat the next day, my birthday. She said it was OK if I didn't want to, but it would mean a lot to her, so of course I said yes. I am still a sucker for her accent and a romantic at heart. And yes, I do still love her. Blah. We set a time to Skype the next day.

We began the chat at the pre-discussed time. We were both pretty excited to hear the other. She cried. She said happy birthday. We filled the other in about family and friend stuff. Neither of us made any mention of the breakup or "F". About a half hour in, I decided I wanted to see her face. It was my birthday after all, so I requested to see her via video chat. She was a little taken aback but seemed eager, which was what I wanted. It was morning for her, so she said she needed a few minutes to look presentable, and I took those minutes to fix myself as well. We turned on the cameras... and stared, and laughed, and cried. Yep, I cried too. It was really good to see her. I was almost able to forget the pain she has caused me... almost. I did bring up the whole internet de-friending incident, and just asked why she did it, and why it seemed to be a "team effort" (not naming "F", but clearly implying). She took a moment and said that it was hard for her to see me happy and she just needed to remove me for her own mental health (I was tempted to mention you can block someone without removing them and causing insult, but I held back). She said she was only responsible for her own actions and there was no discussion or plan with anyone else to act together. So whatever, all in all the session went pretty well. I also got her to sing happy birthday to me (if you have been following this blog, you will know my ex is a front woman in a signed rock band), which was cool.

Since then, she has chatted with me online a bunch of times. The one thing that bothers me about this is that I never know when she is online (she stays "invisible" so fans don't bother her while she is working on the internet) so it is on her terms. She kept telling me how joyous she was to be in touch again and that she has been in the best mood since we talked. She also said again that she missed me. I told her I was happy too that we talked, but I told myself that inside there were still things nagging me. Nothing has been addressed.

Another point worth mentioning is that her best friend was just in the states and came through LA twice during the past month for stopovers. I have always liked this girl and we made plans to connect while she was here. She even stayed with me on her way back home for a night. While she was here, I made no mention of my ex, keeping my relationship and my friendship with this girl completely separate. She even tried to bring my ex up a few times but I changed the subject immediately. I was proud of myself for this, and the friend took note and said it was cool that I wasn't mentioning anything or questioning her. Later that night we went to a bar with some friends before I returned her to the airport. Once she had a few beers she started telling me stuff - like how I was the one that kept my ex up thinking late at night, that she really wanted a friendship again with me, that "F" was nothing, and that I was one of the most incredible people that my ex had ever met, etc. And then she asked me if I wanted to know the truth about my ex and "F". I said no. I am so sick and tired about hearing what she is doing from my sources there, and what she is not doing from this friend of hers. It is my ex's responsibility, honestly, to tell me what is going on, and I conveyed that message to her friend to bring back with her.

So in summation, after about three months of using all the strength within me to avoid contact with my ex and respect her request for space, it turned out OK. We are sort of in contact again, nothing serious though. The more I sit with it however, the less sure I am that it's even a good idea to be talking to her now. Like I said, nothing has been discussed and that bothers me. I feel it is her duty to bring it up since she dumped and hurt me. I also don't like that I am back to thinking abut her daily and wondering if she will be online and seek me out. I don't want to regress, I am doing so well. I am entertaining the thought of letting her know the next time she chats me that I would like her to complete and send me that email she supposedly began a month and a half ago now. I don't need a beautifully written email - but I am interested in what she was going to say. I don't think that just because she reached out on my birthday she should be excused from explaining herself. I think she owes me that email, and I want her to send it so I can read it and then decide if talking to her and being friends with her is the best thing for me. I need to take the power back and have the ball in my court again. She has already put me through too much and I won't let her do any more damage right now. I hope I have the fortitude to say that when the time comes.

Biebians, Ha.

Just a quick post to share this little gem my friend showed me the other day. It is hilarious. I didn't even know who Justin Bieber was until I felt it necessary to do the research to fully appreciate this site. The pictures are funny enough, but the girl who runs the site, Dannielle, writes such amusing captions that I often find myself crying with laughter, which is exactly what I need after the past couple of months. I now visit the website daily for a great dose of humor to go with my morning coffee. Enjoy!

http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

Warm Weather and Smiles

I will start by saying that I love being back here in LA. I have spent the last couple of days adjusting to being back and reconnecting with my friends here. The weather has been amazing! Over 80 degrees and beautifully sunny. Such a change from the chilly, bleak weather I left behind on the east coast. It feels right to be back here. I have a lot to accomplish and I feel the momentum within myself. I have been busy already and I know it will only get more intense when school starts. Bring it!

So upon arriving at the airport, I was promptly scooped up and taken for beers at a Mexican place in West Hollywood by my two close friends. We had a great time catching up and declaring how it was great to have our little group back together again. We closed the joint down and I went to bed feeling positive and loved.

On Monday I began training for my new job. The job basically consists of me running the lights for a brand new club in Hollywood. I get to sit in the DJ booth and run the show for people on the dance floor to the beats of the music. It's a great gig for me; music has always been a huge influence in my life. I have been to a lot of shows and festivals, and I did just date a musician in a signed rock band. While I was back east, I didn't listen to much since so many tunes reminded me of my ex - she performed a lot of covers during her solo shows and it seemed as if I couldn't turn on the radio without hearing something that caused me to think of her. This job will allow me access to fresh stuff from DJs and will help me get back into enjoying the social atmosphere and music of clubs. My first night actually working was last night, and it happened to be the opening night of the venue. I saw all of the American Idol judges (minus Ellen), a Lakers player, and apparently Pink turned up as well but I didn't see her. Like any new club in Hollywood, it is expected that stars will frequent it, at least for the first three months or so. I had a great time people watching and doing my thing.

As for what else I have done so far... let's see. A highlight the other day was picking lemons from a friend's tree. It was something I haven't done before and really enjoyed. You can smell the citrus right as they detach from the branch. I got myself a little bag of them and intend to make me some lemonade. Hey - when life gives you lemons, right?? Haha. I feel good. I organized a bar night on Hollywood Blvd on Tuesday and saw a bunch more people that I have always liked here. I really do feel fortunate (especially in a town like this) that I have been able to meet so many great friends that are genuinely happy to have me back.

Because organizing my life and work has been keeping me busy, I really haven't had much time to focus on my ex, which is ex-cellent. The only update I have on that front is this - one of my good friends had been sending her a few emails, checking on her and stuff. My ex calls this girl one of her best friends too, but would not respond to any of the emails. This caused said friend to become annoyed and write another email expressing disappointment in my ex's lack of ability to take five seconds out of her day to reply. Interestingly, my ex replied to that one shortly after, saying that she understood my friend being upset, and that the reason she has kept quiet is because she owes me a large email and is stuck with what to say; she didn't want to reply to our friends before she replied to me so it wouldn't look like I wasn't a top priority or whatever. So apparently she is still trying to find words to reply to that message I sent her over two weeks ago now, that she was going to "respond to at her earliest convenience". It made me feel good to know that she is putting in some sort of effort. She isn't usually one to become stuck with words though, which leads me to believe that maybe she is going to fess up to being with "F" or something. I have so much going on, I don't let that get to me so much anymore. I will be interested to see what she says, if she ever does find the words.

Spring Ahead

I am writing this post from the airport. I wanted to get one more in from this side of the country. We moved the clocks forward last night, losing an hour of sleep but signaling the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, and soon, Spring. I find it serendipitous that this event has occurred and coincided with my departure back to LA. I too am about to "spring ahead", without certainty of what will happen, but with excitement for a new chance at growth. This is my chance to really show myself and everyone else that this break up has not gotten the best of me, and that my greatest days are yet to come.

I feel lucky that I did not let my depression beat me. I have heard way too many stories of people that felt the way I did and just couldn't go on any longer. I felt for awhile that I didn't want to either. It was a scary time, and super frustrating. Yet I have been able to realize that I do have potential and strength within, probably more so than I ever thought. Through this experience, it has been allowed to manifest itself more than it ever has before in my life. My determination is still gaining momentum, and I am very much looking forward to relaying whatever is to come.

Spring signifies rebirth, rejuvenation, and new emergences. I am happily embracing these themes as ones of my personal journey as well. It's true right now; anything is possible. I have a clean slate to work with and I really can do anything I put my mind to. I have been motivated before, but this case is different in that I am finally mature enough to know that good happenings and opportunities will not just fall into my lap - I have to go and find them and make them work for me. I am ready to tackle this next step in my life. I believe that it has all played out this way for a reason, and I am going take from it all that it is worth.

Assessment Time

Wow, it has been quite a time these past two months. I began at my personal rock bottom. I returned to live with my parents after being dumped across the globe by the one I still love most in the world. I came back to no job, no apartment, no money, no direction. I felt lost and depressed and small. I listened to rumors that made sitting with my thoughts one hundred times worse. I dwelled on things I couldn't change and theories I couldn't prove. I felt the most heartbroken I have ever felt in my life.

Since that as being the start, I have made some progress. Through a friend's connection, I have a house to stay at in the Hollywood Hills until I can get my apartment back. I just got a job through another friend at a nightclub that should earn me enough money to live comfortably on. I decided to go back to school, and start a program at the end of this month. I have things to look forward to that are going to keep me very busy. This is key.

I return to LA tomorrow. I am looking at it as the beginning point of a new phase in my life. This phase is going to be about me, and doing what I need to do to find happiness within myself. Once I attain that, I may be ready to be with another again. As scary as it is to go back to LA completely alone, I know that once I have things I am proud of that are my own, I will feel the most accomplished I have ever felt.

Dating is the farthest thing away in my mind right now. My heart is still pretty broken and I continue to think about my ex daily. It will be two weeks on Tuesday since our last communication, in which she briefly said she would reply to an email I sent in full at her earliest convenience. It sounded very genuine, so I can only assume she is going through her own stuff right now. Even if she doesn't write back, I am glad I still said what I needed to and it moved her enough to respond even briefly. I am trying not to focus on her.

I have heard a little more possibly confirming the rumors once again. My ex and "F" were apparently seen kissing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as it initially did. If nothing else, I have maybe learned things about my partner that make this break up easier. If she can really go ahead with a new relationship now and does not have the courage to tell me or the honesty that compels her to, why would I want to be with her anyway? I remind myself again that rumors are not to be taken as truth. Maybe one day my ex will feel she can talk to me about the real story. Of course I still miss her for who she was to me and I do believe the love we had was a good one. I think she needs to figure herself out as much as I need to do my own thing. Whatever will be will be. I am looking forward to things for me now. Tomorrow, everything starts anew.

I Love My Friends

Just got back from an awesome weekend in Boston. Let me tell you - when you go through something as scarring as a break up, you really find out who your true friends are. Since I have been back east, I have reached out to friends that I have known for different amounts of time and have kept in various levels of touch with over the years. I have been disappointed in a few of them and their lack of interest in following up with me after I initially told them about my ordeal. I am absolutely not one that searches for pity from people, but if the roles were reversed, I know that I would have enough concern for someone to at least follow up and ask how they were doing after some time went by.

Anyway, I have clearly been made aware of how important particular friends are in my life and how much I am cared about. It has been a great realization. It shows that in many cases, no matter how you may drift apart or not see someone for a while, the foundational roots of true friendship remain and manifest themselves at times of need. I feel fortunate to have been able to first-handedly witness such outpourings of care and support over the past couple of months. I will honor a few of them here by listing examples of how they have helped me. I hope those of you out there going through break ups of your own find strength from your friendships as well.

My best friend from high school - I have already mentioned her in another post and how pivotal she has been in my healing. She has never been a huge conversationalist, so I never expected much in the line of relationship advice. She came through for me in the way of using common sense and planning. She made herself available on her days off and organized a list of activities that I would possibly enjoy. In the early parts of my depression I was in no shape to make decisions, so having a list of options to pick from was invaluable. And I did end up doing many activities that were lots of fun that I wouldn't normally find time to do.

An old friend from elementary school - This girl is someone with whom I have always gotten along very well. However, during and after high school we went our own ways as life took us different places. After college when I was in town, we would try to meet up with the old group once a year around the holidays. She and I never kept in touch during the rest of the year, but she is someone with whom I can pick up where I leave off, which is nice. She became an incredible support for me in another way - by reminding me of who I was when we were younger and convincing me I still had a lot of spirit in me. Like I have said, over the years I have lost a bit of individuality through being in relationships, and at the end of my most recent one I have felt lost and empty and kind of confused about who I really was, on my own. Having an old friend to talk to that knew me at a time when things were innocent and simple helped me realize that the essence of who I am is still within my personal fabric. My "self" has been buried and perhaps altered a little bit over the years, but I have fundamentally remained the same good person that she knew back in the day. This friend has also always been very intuitive and into things such as energy healing. She introduced me to a woman who describes herself as a spiritual healer that she was sure would help me. I did end up going to a session and felt heaps better than I did before I went in. Whatever any person wants to believe regarding that sort of thing is fine with me, but I know that my energy was definitely out of whack because of my depression, and I can say with certainty that I benefitted from the work this woman did on me. Worth a try if you can find someone with the natural gift of healing.

A more recent friend from within the last decade - She is the one I just got back from seeing. She just found out through the grapevine that I was back east. She didn't ask for details, but assumed that my financial situation wasn't stellar. She took it upon herself to buy me a bus ticket to see her and paid for everything while I was there. She provided me with a much needed change of scenery. She and her girlfriend are lovely people and I felt so welcomed in their company. We went out to eat a couple of times, we went dancing one night. It was good to get back into nightlife a bit. My friend told me her aim was to get my mind off of my situation for a weekend, and it worked. I had such a good time and came back feeling refreshed and excited about life. It made me look even more forward to getting back to LA. The energy of big cities has always been good for me.

My two best friends in LA - They have been supportive as well from a distance. They have each dealt with break ups recently as well, so having that common ground has let us help each other and be helped by each other. We have kept in touch over the phone, and I know that when I go back there in a week they will assist in the continuation of my healing. It really blows my mind how many people are dealing with similar situations right now. Support systems are everything! Hang in there people and let your friends and family be there for you - it has done wonders for me.

Reaching Out

I caved in the other day (sort of) and sent an email to my ex. She was expecting one at some point this month concerning some financial obligations we need to take care of together. I decided though, at the end, to write a few paragraphs regarding my disappointment in being taken out of her online social network. I have remained upset about this, especially since I have lately just decided to just let everything be; I don't want drama in my life and realized I shouldn't let things I cannot change bother me so much or consume my thoughts. My agitation around the issue was resulting from not being able to speak with her in person and defend myself.

What I wrote was basically this:

I believed she was made aware of the fact that I knew about the rumors over there. I was assuming that was why she cut off further communication from me. I expressed dismay at losing her and other friends ("F") over it, and stated that it made me sad because I was not aware of committing a crime that would warrant such action. I told her I haven't been in touch with my sources there for a bit and had no idea what was being said about me and my opinions in regard to the rumors, so all I could do was hope she would hear me out in the email.

I told her that the rumors were obviously distressing for me to hear but that I kept returning to the point that her life was her business and she could tell whomever she wanted whatever she wanted. I told her that as she knew, I had maintained a silence about the rumors because I didn't want to make them a big deal with her. I also refrained from asking her what the true story was in the email. I basically said that still I trusted her and her integrity and was not making what other people said my worry. I said the only reason I was breaking my silence now was because I didn't want to be put on a "side" of an issue that didn't even involve me.

I told her that I knew she was making decisions based on what she thought was best for her. I told her I could respect that. I said I missed her and still think she is wonderful and beautiful, and that her friendship remains important to me. I told her to remember she knows me, and the words we spoke to each other still remain valid and personal. Nothing I have heard will take that away. I wanted her to know my character hasn't changed, and I sincerely continue to wish her the best in every part of her life.

That's pretty much it. Everything I said was very honest, and similar to the feelings I have been conveying in my last couple of posts in this blog. I felt it was important to reach out to her and let her know that even though I have been making myself nuts a little bit, the other (better) half of me still has an indestructible confidence in her as a person. Even if she is with another, I know she is only doing what she believes is the best thing right now. The more I think about it though, the less I believe she is really with "F". I think she is working on herself.

And you know what? About 45 minutes after I sent that email, I got a response, much to my surprise. She said she was on her way out but was so touched by what I wrote she had to reply quickly to say she would reply fully at her earliest convenience. And she said she missed me too... terribly. I cried the first happy tears I have cried in months. Sending that email was the only thing that I felt I had to do that also felt right when I actually did it. My past emails were too much and I knew it. Naked honesty and trust was what she needed to hear, and I knew it and it paid off.

I didn't expect that response. I don't expect to be added back to her social network right now. I just wanted to separate myself from the drama. Screw the rumors. I am sure she has her hands full where she is, and the last thing she needed was to feel I was contributing to it or helping to spread it around from the other side of the globe. I want her to picture me doing my own thing and being happy. Any vision of the opposite will never help my case. I look forward to her full response at a later time. Even if she never sends one, just knowing I was able to touch that sensitive part of her again was worth it for me.

Open Letter To My Ex

My Dear Baby,

I write you here because I have no other way to tell you what I am thinking and feeling; we are still not in touch per your request. I know you will never read this, but I am putting it out into the universe with the intention that maybe you will at least feel the meaning of it within yourself at some point.

I would like to begin by saying that I am sorry. I have let my emotions run higher than I have been able to control, and the results have been damaging. I have been fighting a conflict within myself between believing who I know you to be and believing other people who are judging and speculating on your life and actions. This has caused me to do some of the same, and I am out on the other side of it feeling ugly and empty. I didn't mean to lose faith in you and your decisions, whatever they may be. I know you are making them for a reason.

I believe in you. I want you to do whatever you feel you need to do to achieve happiness in life. Only you can decide what is best for yourself and your soul. You have my blessing to do it; not because you have asked for it or need it, but because I want to offer it to you. Be free, be happy. You know you are special and are meant for great things. I want you to fly to heights even you haven't imagined yet. You have helped me believe in myself and for that I owe you more than I can give. You were able to see things in me that I always wanted to think existed, and have given me the push I needed to make my dreams a reality.

I miss you. I don't think that will change for a really long time, if ever. I have stopped crying at every little thing that reminds me of you though, which is good. I now pass by certain places or hear certain songs and think of you fondly. I have made a conscious effort not to lose music through our break up, as music was such a huge part of our time together and so many songs could have been lost. When I hear one now I turn it up and feel it; I remember you being with me a particular time we have heard it or that you have sung it. It gets easier every time. I reminisce of our good times and feel fortunate they existed in the first place. I take comfort in knowing I have so many good memories with you that have no chance of being forgotten any time soon. I know you miss me too. I can feel it from here.

I don't know if I will ever see you again. That is a possibility of course. You are half a world away and I know there is the chance you will never come back to the states again. I know you would like to but everything will depend on where your work will take you. I hope it takes you far, as you have strived so long for success; I want the dream that everyone has believed in for so long to become real for you. You deserve it. If I don't get the pleasure to see you again, I hope you at least would like to keep in touch with me in the future. I miss talking to my best friend. I have made progress in my life that I would enjoy sharing with you. I would like to hear about yours as well.

I love you. I know you love me back too. This is a hard situation we have gotten ourselves into, and the story line and climax remain unclear. Despite the distance and outside noise, I can still feel the love within me. I protect it in its special place and keep it there. No matter what, nobody can take that away.

Please take care of yourself as I am not there to protect you. I hope with every passing day that you are doing well and being strong. Stay true to yourself and everything else will fall into place.

From My Heart,

Me

Letting Go

My focus lately had been on trying to stay healthy, in body and in mind. I am not dwelling on things I can't change. I am working on changing things about myself that I don't like. It is in my nature to be a bit stubborn, and perhaps take things a little far sometimes. The result is always the same; I end up feeling like crap and possibly hurting other people in the process. In my break up experience, I have begun to feel uneasy about being so affected by rumors. The bottom line here is that I am on the other side of the world and will never know what is going on for sure, unless I actually ask the people directly involved. And honestly, I don't think I should let it bother me so much, whatever the case is.

I want to be happy - the only way I will achieve this is to let go of the ideas and thoughts that are preventing me from moving forward. I really really do want my ex to be happy too, in every way humanly possible. I have been selfish by hoping too much that my ex will realize she has made a huge mistake by letting me go and want me back. But then I have to think about that scenario seriously. If she did all of a sudden confess that, what would I do? The answer can be none other than this - nothing. Going back to her would not change what I am still unhappy about within myself. I still need to go to school and get my career on track here. I want to be whole and able to bring something I am proud of to my next relationship, no matter who is it with.

Another part of letting go for me is giving "F" the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe I have been too harsh in jumping to conclusions. Do I really believe that she is as devious as I have made her out to be? I don't think so. I like to believe that people are inherently good. Hearing rumors has obviously affected my judgement, but my sources are speculating and there are no concrete facts to review. "F" has been very nice to me in the past, and maybe her reaching out to me via chat a couple of weeks ago was genuine. And maybe she does have a crush on my ex. So what? If she is helping my ex by providing good company and support, then I really owe her a big thank you. And if she is helping her by being with her, I have no right to knock that either. My main concern, again, is my ex's happiness. I have to remind myself that I can't let my emotions get in the way of wishing that for her. I am sure she is still having to struggle with her own emotions and thoughts from time to time. I want her to thrive, no matter what it takes. I really hope she knows that. It saddens me that my actions may have cast doubt on that, and something I do struggle with is not being in touch and able to tell her. I hope someday I have that opportunity again.

I Get By With a Little Help (from an ex)

One day at a time, still bummed, trying to shake it off.

I ended up having an online chat with an ex of mine the other night. I dated her about seven years ago now. We were only together for about a year, and had gone to college together. I am the only woman she has ever dated. We have remained friends over the years, which is something I am happy about; we were friends before the fact and afterwards we just kind of made it work. She has always made it very clear that she always has time for me if I need to talk about something, and I know she genuinely cares about my well-being.

So we were discussing my situation and my frustrations. The rumors have clearly been making me nuts on top of my broken heart. She gave me advice and heard me out. She told me to stay positive and work on me and all that. I asked her if she had ever gone through a similar situation and was taken aback by her answer. She mentioned that the only time she has ever had her heart broken was by me; before that it was always on her terms, and after she didn't date anyone for three years before meeting the great guy she is with now.

I didn't really know what to say to that statement so I skirted around it and brought the conversation back to where I was comfortable. I know she wasn't looking for me to say anything about it; she just voiced a fact. I have been thinking about it since though. Because I have been so consumed with my own feelings of hurt and rejection, I never stopped to consider how I may have caused those feelings in others. Especially in this case as the one woman she dated seriously and was committed to, I must have thrown her world for a bit of a loop too when I left her. The crazy thing is, I didn't even remember that I was the one that had broken it off with her. We had been living a state apart as she had graduated before me, and couldn't see each other as much as when we were both still in school obviously. I remember now that I had met someone local and had decided that the distance wasn't working for me. (We have seen since that I have been able to deal with much greater distances.) I had gone up to see her in person and had told her the honest truth about both of those facts. I had forgotten or blocked out her pain.

I guess the whole point here in bringing this up is to help myself remember that I have been on the other side of this current situation. I had broken relationships off for reasons of my own and have tried not to look back. Now I see that looking back is helpful in understanding what my current ex is possibly going through. I have been in that role. I remember it isn't easy, but I also remember having convictions that made my decisions right at the time. Despite those decisions, I still have friends in many of my exes, even if it took some time after the initial hurt to solidify those friendships again. If nothing else, this whole experience is teaching me things about myself not only that I have to learn, but that I should remember.

PASN Part 2

It has happened. I have been officially de-friended on Facebook, by both my ex and "F". So has one of my sources. I take this to mean that shit must have hit the fan over there, and the truth has come out about what I know. I take it also that my postings of late haven't helped in this situation, and that was the consequence. Once again people, I have given you examples of what not to do when you are hurting.

I was initially pretty bummed when I learned that this has happened. I can also own my part of why it happened though. The hurt and resulting stubbornness that I have felt has caused me to act in ways which would normally be uncharacteristic of me. I feel no hate, I feel no anger. I am disappointed in myself for giving in to writing posts that I hoped got read and analyzed in order to cause guilt. I realize after sitting with that thought that it is not up to me to cause such guilt. I realize that doing so makes me look weak, unstable, and probably pretty unattractive. I understand why my ex is going to the lengths she is going to and severing communications with me. I guess I am making it pretty obvious that I am still not OK. She is a very intelligent woman and can see that I am not only passively aggressively tormenting her and her possible new interest, but torturing myself as well by letting it consume me. It was silly of me to think my posts would go unnoticed.

So perhaps a favor has been done for me here. I no longer have the leisure of checking in on them as I please. I will no longer be wasting my time doing that. Of course I still wish that my ex would put in the effort to address me directly about my actions and her feelings. She knows she has put me through a lot, and I would hope she eventually would feel as if she owed me, if only based on the care and love for me I know existed, a truthful conversation about the situation at hand. Until that happens though, I will still hold onto a belief I have in her. I will support her decisions and trust that she is making them to preserve her emotions, and with an interest in mine too. I will love her through this and continuously hope for her happiness, and that eventually my own understanding of things will manifest as it should.

A way I am able to still feel this way is by trying really hard to put myself in her shoes. So let's say she and "F" do have a thing going on. They have been hiding it publicly and are probably getting sick of that. If I were my ex and found out that she knew what I was doing, I would know it would be pointless to hide things anymore, but also wouldn't want to throw it in her face on a social networking site. I would probably cut her off from seeing my activity too. And let's take the other scenario. Maybe there is nothing going on. Still, if my ex thinks I am obsessing about the possibility, it would make sense to cut me off in that case as well. If it's not true and just an innocent friendship then she wouldn't want to know my suspicions and lack of trust; and it would be annoying to know they were being talked about. So fine, another method of communication has been cut. A possible silver lining? - That she can't see what I am up to either. With time she may be interested and curious about my life, and miss me. In a healthy way.

Passive Aggressive Social Networking

OK, so I was a little passive aggressive yesterday in my social networking. Weakness happens. The result was my ex deciding to no longer follow me on twitter. That made me sad. I hadn't written anything horrible, just a comment that was directed at no one in particular, along the lines of "making sure people around you did not only view you as a conquest". It could have applied to my life - in fact, I would like it to. Apparently my ex took it personally. Or it could have been just hard for her to read. Maybe she thought about it too much or saw it as an attack. Either way, I was unhappy about the result. Is it wrong to post one's feelings? I know it makes it difficult, but my ex has already cut off other communications from me, why that too? Twitter is harmless, and I thought she might care to check in on me every now and then to see how or what I am doing. My friends tell me it's probably a healthy thing, and I can agree with that to an extent, but it was still disappointing.

Then there's more. So I have been reading a philosophical novel for the past few weeks. Amongst the ideals in said novel are how selfishness doesn't lead to happiness and how anything that begins impurely amounts to nothing, stuff like that, so my Facebook posts have reflected these types of thoughts. They are really concepts I agree with wholeheartedly, as my resolution for New Year's this year was to be true to myself and to others. Yes, fine, I guess they could apply to my angst about the possible situation of "F" taking my ex from me. Either way, the concepts reflect my life musings as of late. Yesterday "F" posted something about how Facebook status slander was immature and any questions should be asked to those involved in a situation directly. I took this to mean that she was feeling some type of guilt/annoyance from my posts. She posted it shortly after I had put up a new one of mine. Not my problem. I don't have any questions for her, and all of my posts have had a universal meaning to my life and for others to consider. I pressed the "like" button to her post. Ha.

Maybe "F" is on to the fact I know something. Maybe she is paranoid. She will get no satisfaction from me either way. I will continue to post my new learned ideals on occasion. She can go ahead and "de-friend" me if she wishes, I personally think I owe her no more respect than what she has shown to me. I wonder if she is whining about it to my ex. Her insecurities and guilt are hers to carry. Although my ex has stopped following me on twitter, she has not de-friended me on Facebook yet (isn't it lame how this really affects people? I apologize for the lameness, but I can't help it right now). Maybe that will be the next step. Maybe she will email me the truth at some point. Maybe nothing will change. I am not trying to hurt my ex at all, but I do think "F" needs to sit with herself and think about her actions and how the universe will pay her back someday. I am sure that it will.

Anyway, take this as a lesson of what is probably not smart to do after a break up. Temptations to lash out are constant, especially when you think you may be being viewed as the fool. I don't have the urge to lash out at my ex, just "F" because she is so arrogant and smug about everything. I suppose for me to truly let go I need to make sure her crappy character isn't a focus for me anymore. I need to let the universe do its job. I just get impatient.

Another Restless Night and Day

I went to bed last night around 1:30am. My eyes flew open just before 3am. I wasn't exactly sure what woke me. What it seemed to be was a noise, but had I really heard it? The only way I can think to describe it is like a guttural moan or cry, but I couldn't figure out what it could have come from. It sounded like the combination of a tortured cat, a woman in pain, and a menacing crow. It scared me for the second I shot awake, and then the fear dissipated as I laid in the silence. What the heck was that about? I know I haven't been sleeping well, but I don't normally dream much or hallucinate either. Very strange. My mind got going about my ex again and I tossed and turned the rest of the night.

I went for a run by myself today. I know it doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but it felt like one to me as I did it without being prompted by another. I just felt like running. I ran until it hurt. Then I walked for a bit. The total distance I ran wasn't much, but it got me out of breath nonetheless. I was aware of my body. I took the cold air into my lungs and experienced some scents that reminded me of my childhood - of easier, carefree times. I came back to my house and sat on the steps until my body temperature regulated enough to enter a heated house without passing out.

I looked for jobs. I looked on Facebook. I updated my twitter. I noticed that my ex had updated hers too, for the first time since the day after she broke up with me. I guess she is reemerging. I want her to be happy, I just want her to think of me too. I willed for her to reach out to me soon. I want to move on knowing she cares about me as well. She should reemerge; and I should too. I will continue to be honest with myself as part of my process. I will continue to feel the pain as I need to. I won't seek it out, but I will feel it.

I am getting restless here. I need to get back to LA soon.

Serenity Now...

Today got started with me getting more information about my ex and "F". Apparently before Christmas, when I had already gone back to the states, my ex had a solo gig and "F" was there with her, being outwardly affectionate. A few days later they were seen again by my source, at a club with other people. My source for this information was separate from the others I have been talking to, and had also confirmed that "F" was definitely the one making the moves, and once again my ex seemed uncomfortable about it. Like I said before, it could have been because there were people there that knew me, and my ex could have been smart enough to at least make it look like she wasn't into it. I don't know. I think trust issues may become a problem for me in the future because of all this. Ugh.

I am working really hard at letting this information not bother me too deeply. I do think about it of course, but I know that doesn't accomplish anything - they are still gonna do whatever they are doing (if anything), and I am wasting my time dwelling on it. I am sick of wasting time. I want to move forward here, for myself.

I haven't heard anything more from my ex. I am unsure if I will. I made it pretty clear that she would need to contact me next if she wanted to. It's terribly hard to be the bigger person with the information I have, but a good test of patience and endurance on my part. This will make me stronger somehow, I am sure of it.

Other than that, it's been a pretty lazy Sunday. I spent a good deal of it reading. I took a walk. Oh yeah, and I have a new mission - to sell a bunch of old crap on ebay. My best friend from high school has begun selling some of her old stuff and is making some money. Apparently people will buy almost anything! I think I may make it a project tomorrow - to take pictures and list a bunch of stuff. Can't hurt while I am unemployed.

Getting Through(?)

Today I just wanted to share the kinds of activities that have helped me so far. The advice I have gotten from people since Day 1 of my breakup is "surround yourself by those that love you and stay busy!" Very generic advice, and yes, true, it is what is needed. It has been a struggle. The last thing I wanted for awhile was to be around anyone except my ex, and that wasn't possible. I wanted to be alone. I know that isolation isn't the best thing for depression, but that's what I wanted. My family and friends let me alone for a couple of days, and then were patient with me as I made baby steps back into the world of the living.

My dad got me outside to go for walks. Even though I hate the cold and it's winter now, it was good to get my muscles moving and feel the harshness of the elements. It let me be aware of something other than emotional pain. I was able to appreciate a sunset. We would talk and the interaction would help. It would distract me from being in my head with thoughts of missing my ex, wondering what she was doing, wondering if she was thinking of me, wondering if she and "F" were really having a love affair, etc. Again, nothing I could control, nothing I should be dwelling on. I recognized the importance of getting out and doing things, if only to quiet my brain a bit. I could never totally stop the thoughts of her, but if I was preoccupied, they occurred less frequently. My brother would take me out to the bar when he went with his friends and stuff, and that helped too. I am trying not to numb myself frequently with drinking and stuff though, I know that could become problematic.

My best friend from high school turned out to be a great support. We are very different people. She is straight and we have never really been the type to call each other for hours and discuss our lives, but she has remained consistent over the years as someone I knew I would stay in touch with and talk to if I needed it. Anyway, when she heard I was back in town, she made a point to devote her two days off a week to spending time with me and getting me out of the house. The first time she came by she actually presented me with a list of things from which I could pick to do. It was very sweet, unexpected, and thoughtful. The list contained activities such as bowling, going to an art gallery, seeing a movie, and going for a massage. We actually were able to do most of those things over the past few weeks, and it definitely helped.

One of my personal favorites was going to the massage place. I had decided that instead of getting a massage, I wanted to try reiki. For any of you that are not aware of what that is, it's sort of an energy healing session where the reiki master lays hand on you and focuses her or his energy on aligning your chakras, which are the supposed seven centers of spiritual power in the human body. It is said that if any of your chakras are out of whack, that you may not be open to the universe and receiving proper energy and whatnot for your life and life's decisions. Reiki is also supposed to help in reducing stress, and I was definitely feeling tons of that, so I thought it couldn't hurt. Another thing I read about it beforehand was that you didn't have to believe in it for it to work. Great. I went for two sessions total so far, and whether it really does anything for me or not, I can say with certainty that I left each session feeling heaps better than when I went in. I don't want to continue being depressed. I want to strive towards positivity. C'mon little chakras! Didn't hurt to try. At 80 bucks a session though I am going to try other things as well now.

There are still days where I just am not in the mood for other people. These are days that I try to devote to what I need to do next. I will sit on this computer and scour craigslist for jobs that I may be interested in doing when I return to LA in a couple of weeks. Since I have committed to a graphic design program for school, I should start building a portfolio. It is going to be hard to get hired without experience, but you never know who will take a chance on you if you are honest. And let's face it, many employers on craigslist are looking to pay so little for services, that maybe my student status will be beneficial since I can't charge much without having the experience in the first place. I had a few people express interest, I did some trial mock ups, and I haven't heard from any of them since. I will keep trying.

Another thing I have been trying to do is learn. Everything I can. Since I have spent the last however many years in and out of relationships, I haven't had much time for myself. So I am reading books, I am trying to do online tutorials for graphic design programs, I try to teach myself a new word everyday; I am trying to stay busy but also better myself. Reading has been wonderful. I forgot how much I used to enjoy it; it was one of the first things that I discarded when I was so "busy" with work and girlfriends and going out. I hope to continue to always have a book in progress now. They take me somewhere else, I learn about the characters, and lately, especially with the one I am reading now, I can see parallels of my own life in the fictional lives of some of these characters. I am getting different perspectives without even asking for them, and they are very valuable.

The final thing I have been doing with my time is writing this blog. I honestly didn't know what to expect when I started it. I was not sure if it would ever be read by another set of eyes than mine. I still have no idea how many people actually take the time to read what I have to say here. I do know that at least a few people do, and have taken their time and effort to say so. It has made me think that you really never know what people may be going through. You can pass a crowd in the street and some member of that crowd could be dealing with pain of unknown proportions to you. I don't know my readers, but I know they exist, and I know, through their comments, that they have experienced pain like mine. I know I am not alone, and that may be the one thing that has helped me the most so far. Thank you ladies, from my heart.

To Be or Not to Be (vulnerable)

Yesterday I get another email from my ex. Most of it was business stuff regarding an item she was supposed to send me, but then couldn't because of money issues. She seemed to feel pretty bad about it and said she really wanted to be able to do this favor for me and that she felt she let me down (which she did, but I wasn't holding my breath). However, she also added in there that she was really struggling with me being gone at the moment, and that she "missed me so much". So much for "going quiet from here on in". Obviously I miss her too, so much. I miss sleeping next to her more than anything in the world. But I thought she had made it clear that we were not supposed to be saying those kinds of things to each other anymore. She clearly still feels for me though, and I feel for her too. I debated on how to respond to this.

What to do? I know that if I ignored those comments, my response would seem cold and mechanical. I know she would hate that because she had an ex that would send those kinds of emails to her during their breakup and it hurt her a lot. She had told me in the past that she would not want to have to edit how she is feeling towards me; if she wants to say she misses or loves me, she should be able to. She knows I will read it and think about it, and she knows I like to hear it. This also makes it seem implausible that she is having a serious relationship with "F", if she really is missing me so much. Maybe she is thinking she made a mistake? I wish. Regardless, there is no turning back now, we are on opposite sides of the world. Knowing that, why put myself through more emotional strain by being nice? Because I still do love her, that's why. And there is still a piece of me that would love to reconnect in the future, so my actions and reactions need to be considered and well planned out. I don't want to push her away.

I ended up writing her back that I was sorry she was struggling at the moment, and that I would hug her if I could. I told her to surround herself with people that bring out that smile of hers. I admitted that I missed her too, and that I was sure she knew that and could feel it from where she was. And that was pretty much it. I don't think I overdid it, yet I don't think I will get a response, and that's OK. The purpose was to let her know that I am still thinking about her too. She can sit with that for now. I didn't want to appear bitter, or weak, and also not too overeager to hear her words. It does make me a bit vulnerable and put the ball back into her court. I think my response was alright. We will see what happens.

The Concept of Time

I have received a number of responses here and from the people I know personally that echo the concept of allowing time to help in the healing process. I of course realize that this is pivotal and necessary for any healing process, and I would like to expand on the idea a little more.

I agree that going through a breakup is in some ways similar to mourning a death. It is the "death of the relationship" after all. When you lose a loved one, many of the same emotions come to the surface - anger, sadness, denial, regret. However, in my opinion, a breakup can almost be worse. A loved one that dies did not do so by choice (most of the time), and because of that, it's nobody's fault. When you are mourning a break up, the emotions already listed reveal themselves, and are joined by others such as rejection, a lack of self esteem, and many many more. You may blame yourself for what happened, you may blame your ex. Either way, because they still exist and so do you, the emotions are harder to feel and then let go of. Chances are you may bump into them again. I know in the past, whenever I have seen one ex or another, many of the feelings I thought were gone and done with still have a mischievous way of manifesting themselves again to a degree. Not much you can do about that.

So yes, time will of course help feelings and emotions get pushed down a bit, will get them further away from the surface, but can they ever go away for good? I don't know. Imagine if a relative you loved and thought was dead suddenly reappeared in your life again somehow. Just something to think about. So on that note, what about the love you had or still have for your ex? We have already discussed that time can help heal or at least lessen the bad feelings, but what of the good? I believe love is an amazing emotion, one of the only that I can think of that can be truly unconditional. As I mentioned in one of my comments, we know that love can withstand so much - betrayal, lying, cheating, the list goes on.... How many people do you know that have been in relationships where something crap had happened and the couple was able to pull through it and remain together? It happens people. All the time. My point here is that I don't think love dies with a break up. How many of your exes still tell you they love you from time to time, even if it is in a drunk text? Love that is real remains, somewhere within us, even if it gets buried. True love never dies, especially if you believe in it.

A little more than a month into my break up journey, time has helped for sure. I cry less when I talk about my ex, and that is good. I can function and have my appetite back, and that is good. I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I got sick of it and am trying to move forward with my life, and that is good too. Time has made this possible. Do I think of her less frequently though? Nope. Do I love her any less? Nope. Will these things change in another month or two? I don't know. I suppose time will tell.

Sad Days

I woke up today and knew right away I would be having another sad day. I have been having them a lot lately to be honest. Time has definitely helped my overall condition over the past month, but there is still consistency to the depression I feel. I still don't sleep through the night. I still think of my ex before I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up. I think about what I would like to say to her, and what I would like to say to "F". My brain won't be quiet.

As we all know, Valentine's Day was this past weekend. It was a hard one because all I could think about was about how great of a time I had with my ex last year. We had been on the other side of the world. We had a nice breakfast and went to an all day music festival. It was a blast. My sources have informed me that my ex went with "F" and a couple other friends to the same festival this past weekend. Did she think of me on the day as I did of her?

I know my ex and I had agreed to not be speaking. I had told her I would let her contact me next if she wanted to talk. However, being the person that I am, it would not be in my character to let Valentine's Day pass without at least acknowledging it. It is, after all, a day about love - past, present, and future, and I wanted to recognize that. I got many opinions from people about what I should or shouldn't do or send. Knowing that my ex and "F" will most likely be each other's Valentine made it hard too. But I was still operating under the guise of ignorance, so I thought about what I would want to do if I knew nothing at all. I decided to buy the most generic card I could find. The only words it contained were "Happy Valentine's Day". Inside I kept it fairly short. I told her the day comes whether we like it or not and I wished to acknowledge it. I told her I hoped she had a good day no matter what she ended up doing. I included a picture CD from her trip to see my family as they were her memories too and she had taken some of the pictures herself. I also included an item she had left behind that I know she wanted returned. I put everything in a padded envelope and sent it. Since we are not speaking I had no way of knowing whether she got it or not.

I should mention that my ex and I did agree to correspondence if it had to do with matters we had to take care of jointly. For example, she has no credit cards and I do, so we charged a bunch of plane fares to mine, and they will need to be paid off together. My ex had emailed me the other day about another joint matter. At the end she said she missed me very much and hoped daily I was doing OK. In my reply I said I missed her too. A few weeks ago when I got back east, a couple of members of my family reached out to her over email to let her know they hoped she was OK and knew this was difficult for both of us. She had never responded to them, so I also mentioned in my email reply to her that even though time has gone by, they still wonder and care about her well-being. I told her that if she ever found the time and strength concurrently, they would love to hear from her no matter when it is. Yesterday I found a lengthy email from her in my inbox, saying she had heard what I said about my family. She had written a letter for me to forward to them, mentioning each of them by name and saying beautiful things about meeting them and how she was still going to love and protect me in every way she knew how. She also said goodbye in a way. It was an extremely hard email to read, and I am sure it was hard for her to write. It makes it more baffling to me if she in fact is already moving on with "F". She seemed so genuine in the email. She said she was going quiet from here on in. I was glad she had at least respected me enough to take the time and emotion into writing that. I cry every time I read it over. I read it again today.

Last night I sent a message to her sister letting her know about the little package I had sent. I just wanted to know that my ex had received it. I got a response this morning that she had received a notice to pick it up from the post office. I hope she does. I wonder if she will say anything to me about it.

Hating Facebook

Now I understand that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional and all that. I realize that we have choices, and that looking at social networking sites is not necessarily a healthy choice when you have been broken up with. Normally, I would not care, but since I have been given some undesirable information regarding my ex's recent activities with "F", I gave into temptation and played detective a little bit. I will start by saying that I didn't like what I saw.

My ex was smart enough not to post a thing, and I give her credit for that. No updates, no new pictures, no comments on other people's pages. This seemed to coincide well enough with how I thought she should be - taking time for herself, missing me, and keeping busy with her life. "F" however, was a completely different story. Beginning the day after I left, she began posting things such as "you just know...", "thinking, thinking, thinking", and "there are really great things happening in my life right now". Almost all of the updates were followed with smiley faces. It was annoying. Now I am not saying these are obvious admissions of a dirty love affair, but I think anyone can read between the lines here if they have the information I do regarding this girl's intentions.

I had decided, despite being very tempted and unafraid of confrontation, to act as if I had no information that my ex may have something going on with "F". This meant I wouldn't confront either of them. I chose this for two reasons. One is that there is always the possibility that there is nothing going on for sure. Yes, I know that a few people believe there is something going on. Yes, it is obvious that "F" wants there to be, and I know they hang out all the time, but I can not really know if they have any kind of intimate relationship. The last time I talked to my ex before it was pronounced that we would not be speaking anymore, she told me she still loved me, was not over me, and felt guilty about what she had put me through. Once again, I wanted to believe her because she had always been honest with me. And if there is nothing going on, I didn't want to accuse her and break that trust we have. I didn't want to be the paranoid ex on the other side of the world. I didn't want to ruin a chance of getting back with her over rumors and my own insecurities.

The other reason I chose not to confront them is because I did not want to get my sources in trouble. They respected me enough to keep me in the loop, and since they were mutual friends of my ex and "F" as well, I didn't want lesbian drama resulting from that. Plus, I didn't mind getting the occasional tidbit. Yes, I know it will make it hard for me. But if there is in fact something going on there, I may as well be aware of it so I do not have to feel like a fool down the line when they finally confess to it. I am done with surprises for the time being. Knowing information gives me a small amount of power, not over the situation, but how I can react to it. I don't want their pity, and I am done feeling sorry for myself. If the rumors turn out to be true, when and if they find the courage to tell me, I will already have known and they can feel like asses because of that.

So they don't know that I know. This becomes interesting because "F" has taken it upon herself to chat to me on Facebook, on a couple different occasions, asking me how I am doing. Oh, the audacity. I find it arrogant, insulting, manipulative, and overall just really mean to inquire about my well-being under the assumption of my supposed ignorance to their situation. What a bitch, its unreal. What does she have to gain by keeping in touch with me? Is she trying to find out information about me for my ex? I doubt my ex would request information, but "F" is the kind of girl that would love to have some to give. I kept my responses to her questions very general and lighthearted. I asked her about her job, and the weather, and stupid shit like that. Then she would abruptly have to go to a meeting or something. I would thank her for reaching out to me. I would curse her under my breath. I try to tell myself that my ex will eventually have to see the kind of person "F" is. I found a quote that says, "When the infatuation wears off, you see people for who they really are". I know my ex is deep, and kind, and caring. I have to believe that she may have to find some things out the hard way. I sure have.

The Rumor Mill

Having a little bit of direction was good for me. It also gave me a timeline. I needed to get all of the other aspects of my life together around the choice I made of going to school. One day at a time, that's what everyone told me. It would come together.

Then I regressed a bit. I had begun receiving information that my ex may be seeing another girl already, and this girl had been a "mutual friend" of ours. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What made it worse was that as the days progressed, I found out more and more disturbing information. An example of this is that my ex had been seen at a bar, the day after I left, with this other girl on her lap. At a party a week later, they were supposedly telling people that they were "really enjoying each other's company and seeing what happened" and "not hiding it, but not really putting it out there either, if that makes sense." Wtf?? Could it be that my ex had concocted a scenario to remove me, and made the premise of it seem like she was doing it as a sacrifice to help me help my own life? I didn't know what to think. My sources were mutual friends that respected me enough to let me know what may be going on. But the information they told me was from their observation and the other girl's mouth, not my ex's.

As I had said before, my ex and I had a great relationship. No problems, no fights. I suppose it is possible that my ex could have developed feelings for this other girl, but why not be honest with me about it? And the whole reason our breakup conversation came about was because I had voiced my own insecurities with my life, and that enabled her to voice hers. I had even asked her if her decision to leave me was for another, and she said no. What would she gain by lying to me? Could she really be ready to give her heart to another? I thought I knew her really well, and I know she feels emotions very deeply. It just didn't seem like she could turn her love off for me and instantly be alright to be with someone else.

Now for some background on this "mutual friend". We will call her "F" for discussion purposes. She is in her upper 20s, and had been "out" for just over a year. She was engaged to a man for 5 years previously from what I understand. This makes her very immature in terms of lesbian relationships, and clearly etiquette. She has a habit of going after girls with girlfriends, and actually said to her ex, "I have the cockiness, confidence, and capability to break up any couple." Now what kind of person thinks that, let alone says that?? Couldn't my ex see what kind of person she was?

I have also learned that at a recent group dinner, my ex and "F" arrived together and left early together. I was made aware however that whenever "F" made a move to put her hand on my ex's leg or whatever, my ex would promptly remove it. This could be for one of two reasons - that my ex wanted nothing to do with her, or that there was in fact something going on, but my ex was at least being classy enough to not want to make that obvious in front of people we both know for fear of it getting back to me. My sources however, are convinced there is definitely something going on. As they are on the other side of the world, I realize I can do nothing about it either way. I just have a hard time getting my head around the fact that it could be happening. I want to believe that my ex left me for the reasons she said, which appeared to be so selfless. I don't want to doubt that now. Maybe my ex is just in need of friends, and "F" just so happens to be making herself available at every moment. I am aware of "F"'s intentions though, because she makes them no secret. It really is awful when people turn out to be shit friends. This is torture.

Now What?

So I am back on the east coast, less than two weeks after my ex had just met my entire family. I couldn't go back to LA because I had my life figured out to be in another country until July. I didn't have my apartment (it is contractually sublet through June), I didn't have a job (the bar I worked at closed while I was away), I didn't have any money (since my ex had done the majority of the earning, I could no longer rely on our joint bank account) I didn't have a car (signed it over to my friend, and no money means I can't afford it anyway). I also didn't have my girlfriend, who, as in many lesbian relationships, was also my best friend. I felt super alone and worthless. I felt I had nothing.

Like I mentioned though in my last post, my family has been amazing, so much better than I could have expected, so the plan became for me to stay in their house until I could regroup and return to LA. They tried to convince me to stay around for as long as I needed to, but I have always had a fear of becoming stuck around where I grew up. Plus, if my ex really broke up with me because she felt I needed to go on my own journey and find my true passion or path or whatever, I knew I would never really accomplish that by living at my parents' place. It has been nice not to have many expenses though for the time being.

So what have I been doing to get myself on track here? Well I tried to sit with myself and really think about what I wanted and needed to do. As much as I kept dwelling on my ex and what I thought I needed to do to prove myself to her, I knew that regardless, every decision I made now had to be made independently from wanting to please her. Now was the time I had to focus on myself. It was (and still is) a very scary thing. I had always gotten by and all that, but I really was sick of not having much money, and not loving what I did for jobs. Yes, bartending was fun but it is not what I wanted to do forever.

So what the hell did I want to do? I already have a college degree in art and theatre, and I scoured craigslist all the time for listings that appealed to me. I found myself looking at many ads for graphic designers. Graphic design had always been something I dabbled in, but I only knew the basics of the programs that I would be required to work in. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became I needed to go back to school. I won't give away my exact age, but let's say I am pushing 30 and the thought of going back to school at this point was extremely daunting. In addition, I am still paying off loans from my undergraduate degree. I spoke with my parents about it, and they were beyond elated at my wanting to continue my education. With their help, I took out another loan, researched some graphic design programs, and made a commitment to attend a university in LA, starting at the end of March. That's right, the end of March. I now had something to look forward to.

The Return

My last days abroad consisted of me being in a trance-like state. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep without waking up every two hours or so. I was constantly aware of my heart beat. I had panic attacks. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.

Throughout these days, my girlfriend (well from here on in we can call her my ex) cried with me at times but tried to be strong. She laid out all of my stuff so I could pack it. She made me protein shakes because nothing solid was appetizing. She talked me through my knots. I know she felt very guilty about her decision. But I also knew she wouldn't take it back. I really felt that if this was born out of a deep love for me, then I had to accept it and trust a future that I wanted to exist for us. I know she cared. She had to. She drove me to the airport and I kept my composure. She did not. I had to trust it was all happening for a reason, but nothing was clear to me anymore.

It took two planes to get to LA, and two more to get back east to my parents. Along the way, I had hoped each one would crash. I had never had suicidal thoughts in my life before, and now I couldn't stop them from coming. The only thing that prevented me from doing anything was thinking about how it would affect the people I know. I didn't care for myself and I didn't want to go on. I don't remember much about my flights or really know how I managed to get to each appropriate gate on time. I made it to the states, and then back east. I was a prime example of emotional wreckage, but still standing.

My family was surprisingly supportive and nonjudgmental. I stayed in bed for days. I paced the house like a zombie for a week. I couldn't eat much. My mother went out and got me Boost, that liquid protein stuff for old people that can't eat solids anymore. I did alright with that. Everything else made me want to vomit. My gag reflex had gotten more sensitive. I still wasn't sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. I cried a lot. I missed my ex like crazy.

She had called me before two of my flights took off in order to check in. It was good to hear her voice. She assured me we would talk every few days when I got back home. We tried, I think three times total. I got a phone card. We would have an OK conversation and then one of us would get emotional. I told her that even so, I always felt better after we spoke. She told me I couldn't keep looking forward to our conversations and using them for strength. I had to get it from within myself. We tried to Skype once. I had decided that since it was an opportunity for her to see my face after a couple of weeks, she should really take a good look and make sure she felt like she made the right decision. She had said she didn't think it was a good idea to be talking so frequently. I read a letter I had written about how right we were for each other and how I thought our relationship deserved another chance. She replied that I haven't even accepted that we broke up. She said that she was going to have to act like the adult and cut off communication for awhile. I felt as if I screwed up a chance at communicating at all. I decided to accept her decision and give her the space she wanted.

That was about two and a half weeks ago.

The Breakup

Ugh. This part is still hard for me to talk about. So we get to our new apartment on the other side of the world, which she and her sister had moved our stuff into before she came out to see me. It was all set up and SO nice. It was perfect in every way and I couldn't believe it. It was close to everything in town and a short walk to the beach. It was summer there so the weather was perfect and I couldn't wait to get settled. I unpacked my suitcases and took in my surroundings. We went to the bar with some mutual friends that day. It was good to be back.

The next couple of days were highlighted by getting up early in the mornings and going for a walk down by the beach. My girlfriend would go for a run first and then I would do my thing, as I like to take my time. We did some errands later in the day and continued to get the place set up. By day three I was ready to go looking for jobs. The bar I had worked at before the holidays had changed ownership and didn't need me anymore, so I printed up some resumes and began the hunt again. On day four my girlfriend came with me to a bar to drop a resume, and then she headed back to the apartment while I decided to go down the street to see if an art gallery and theatre were hiring at all. Neither place was. The lady I spoke to at the theatre however, was mean to me and wouldn't give me the time of day or courtesy to hear me out. Now I have done plenty of theatre work in my day and had experience in many different areas. This woman wouldn't even let me speak to anyone else about working in another department. It bummed me out. I returned to the apartment.

My girlfriend asked me how it went, and I broke down. The theatre woman had upset me a lot, and that experience had highlighted the bigger issue of how the only jobs I was qualified to do, I didn't want to do anymore. I have been bartending for years, and it has been great, but I know it is not what I wanted to do forever. My girlfriend knew that too. I have a BA from a university and everything, I just never found a job field I was really passionate about. My girlfriend had continuously told me that she wanted to provide for me when the band hit, so I guess I was sort of counting on that, and hoping I could figure out my career down the line. Anyway, I had a little cry to her, and then went into the bedroom.

She came in a few minutes later, to comfort me no doubt. Boy, was I wrong. She broke down and told me that she hated seeing me upset about my life, and that she felt as if I was living too much in her shadow and big personality. I was dumbfounded. I did admit that, yes, of course I was living through her a bit, but that was because I picked up and changed around my entire life to move across the world for her. I did my part and was planning on working a lot as soon as i got a job or two. I said I was putting my career on hold while hers was taking off. She replied to that by saying, "What career?" The worst part of that was I didn't have a clear answer. She said she felt as if she was holding me back, and that I couldn't ever find myself while I was getting all of my happiness from the relationship. She said she was sick of hearing about what I wanted to do in the future and said instead of talking about doing things, I should actually DO them. Like her tattoo that I never completed (because I was working, mind you).

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where it was coming from. She said she was frightened that I didn't have a plan outside of her and her success. Which I can understand - it must have been scary for her to think that two people's happiness depended on her succeeding. And if she didn't succeed, what would we have to fall back on? I get that. She said she had a clear path with goals in her life, and she deserved to be with somebody who had that kind of passion too. That hurt because she knows I have passion and talent, and she always told me she saw it. I couldn't understand why it was now a huge deal to wait for me to display it. So naturally, through tears, I told her I would fix things. I loved her and would do anything for her. But that was the problem, she said. I needed to go on my own journey, alone, to find what propelled me inside. She said I couldn't do that while being with her, because then she couldn't trust that I was doing it for me, and not the relationship.

I could not believe what I was hearing. So what started out as a weak moment of job insecurity for me turned into a tear-jerking honesty session turned into my girlfriend wanting to break up with me? What? I just got back here! I thought your partner is supposed to support you if you are having a rough time! Why was she trying to throw me away? Nothing made sense. So I asked her if she was actually breaking up with me. She was. Now keep in mind I am on the other side of the world, my only support system being mutual friends and her family. Not good. I was a crying mess and didn't know what to do. She told me I couldn't be with her while I was "on my journey". So did she really mean I needed to fly back to LA?? After not even being back there for a week?? I told her I needed to think about what she had said.

The next couple of days were a blur. I remember begging and pleading with her to let me stay there, to let me prove to her that I was worth waiting for. She wouldn't hear it. I didn't understand what the hell had happened. There were no problems in our relationship. The sex was great, we had always had a great connection (sure, the past month had been a little stressful, but it was so busy!), and we loved each other. How could she just throw that away? She told me she loved me and that what she was doing was a sacrifice - that I really needed to find happiness with myself and I couldn't do that while with another. I had a hard time with that, but I could see it was hard for her to make the decision she did. I called my mother in hysterics and told her I needed to come home, a week and a half after we had just left being with my parents.

The Visit

Now is where I began to notice things beginning to feel a little different. During the three weeks that my girlfriend and I were apart in December, she had been less eager to contact me than she had been in the past. We had been apart for weeks, even months before, and we always made the time to Skype to stay in touch and stare at each other and just share our daily experiences. This time though, it just didn't seem to work out the same way. I worked a lot, but the time difference was still such that by the time I had to go to bed, her day should have just been starting. She seemed to have plans whenever I tried to set up a time to talk. I tried not to let it bother me, since I know she was out having fun with our friends there, and I wanted her to have fun. The days before I left had been a little stressful just trying to get everything done before I traveled. I did feel kind of bad though as I went to work almost every day as she spent money from our joint bank account on going out. We didn't have much to begin with, the holidays had just passed, and we were about to have almost two weeks of recreation in the states to pay for!

Anyway, she arrived on the east coast after a few consecutive plane rides on the night of December 26. I knew she was exhausted, but she still didn't seem overly excited to see me. Her luggage didn't arrive, and that added to her frustration. I took her to the house I grew up in. She met my parents. During her stay we did have to stay in separate rooms - my parents are a bit old fashioned that way. Needless to say we didn't get much alone time.

During the week, she met my extended family too - everybody loved her. And let me just say here, if you've read my earlier posts, you know I am from the east coast and I moved west with my last significant ex. Therefore I have never had to "bring anyone home" before, and taking the chance with my girlfriend was a huge decision, but an easy one because I was sure she was the one for me. The trip as a whole went well. I took her to Rockefeller Center to go ice skating, something she had never done before. We spent New Year's Eve in Boston, with some of her friends. We went out to bars near where I grew up, and put in a lot of family time as well. When the visit was over, we returned to LA, hung out with our friends there for a couple of days and then boarded a plane to go back to her country. I was very excited. The holidays were over, her meeting my family went well, and I was pumped to get back to our life abroad. We were to move into an apartment with her sister and wouldn't be under her parents' roof anymore. There was a lot to look forward to. I was determined to work hard for the next six months that remained of my visa and get two or three jobs if that's what it took. I wanted us to be able to go out for dinner whenever we wanted and not have to worry about not having the money to pay our cell phone bills. Our plane touched down on January 10th, 2010.

The Relationship

The two weeks waiting for my girlfriend to arrive were the longest of my life. When she finally did, everything was great, again. She lived with me in my apartment, and our relationship was not a secret to anyone anymore. It was understood while she was there that I would be supporting her, which I was more than happy to do. Her band wasn't making much money at that point, and her independent gigs were few. I liked taking care of her. We hung out with our friends, we spent went on dates with each other. It was romance at its best. I took a flight to meet her for part of her band's tour. I had a blast and couldn't believe that the love of my life also turned out to be such a talented musician; music was so much of a passion of mine as well. I loved to watch her fans and how they worshipped her. I was constantly amazed at how she could control a crowd.

The last night we were at the music festival, however, she got very drunk. She was a mess. I took care of her despite her being less than nice to me about it. After she passed out, I put her into pajamas and got her tucked in. I organized and packed all of her things to be in order for her flight back to LA the next morning, and set her alarm. Upon waking she remembered nothing about how she had treated me the night before. She was mortified when she found out, and it didn't take me long to forgive her. She promised it would never happen again.

We returned to LA and things progressed without any problems. She had not known how long she would be able to stay in the country, and it turned out her band would be doing some recording and therefore her stay would be extended an extra month! She was around for my birthday in April 2009 and I was elated. I had to work that night, but she went there before me and decorated it with green balloons (my favorite color) and invited all of my friends to come by. It was such a good night.

The remainder of that month was awesome as well. Our connection only seemed to intensify. We talked about getting engaged and having kids and the future. I had never thought about those particular topics as seriously as I did with her. It just seemed so right and so perfect. I wanted everything as much as she did. I was done. I wanted to grow old with her, and she with me. She left to go back to her country at the end of April. My plan was to follow her there by mid June.

The month and a half that followed was full of planning and tying up loose ends, which never seemed to stop. I found a subletter for my apartment, I signed my car over to a friend, I got an international driving permit, I cancelled my car and renter's insurance. I applied for a visa. I booked my flight. I organized my life and readied my apartment to be inhabited by others. It was so much, but by the time of my departure, I was ready. I had a year visa to go and be with my girlfriend, and I couldn't wait to experience the next part of my life with her in the place she grew up. My best friends brought me to the airport. We cried and said goodbyes. I flew the many hours to my love.

I arrived in her beautiful country and couldn't believe I would be spending the next year of my life there. I was in heaven. We were finally together for good. "No more being apart", we agreed. The plan was to live with her parents, but we had the entire bottom floor of their house to ourselves. It was perfect and we paid no rent. Her family was very loving and accepting of me, and I felt fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people in my life. She was my best friend. We continued to plan for our future together. Nothing seemed impossible.

We lived simply for the first couple of months, from her small income and my savings, and then I got a bartending job. It was the worst bar ever - old, and smelly, and dirty, but the money was decent and I wanted to do my part to help us. She had been doing the majority of supporting us, but as I had done that in the states, I didn't think she would mind for a bit. I was originally promised a few shifts a week, but was actually only given one or two at the most. She began working more, taking solo music gigs to help us live. Her band was supposed to start doing well soon as they had started getting radio play, and she had told me we shouldn't worry because things would be better soon. We became a little stressed about money from time to time. After all, living humbly can make life less stimulating but we got by and were still able to go out and have fun. We opened a joint bank account and shared everything. I did the majority of controlling our funds as I had more experience with saving. It was a welcome responsibility since she was the major earner - I also assumed the role of the "housewife", doing our laundry and keeping us organized.

October 2009 came around. As mentioned in an earlier post, I love Halloween. Her country doesn't celebrate it however. She told me we could watch a scary movie (which she hated) and that we could go out later and watch more at her cousin's place. During the afternoon she had a band meeting up in the city, so her sister would bring me to their cousin's to wait for her there. I was bummed that she had to do work stuff on Halloween, but understanding as well. I went with her sister to their cousin's house that evening. We knocked and entered, and I could not believe my eyes - my girlfriend had planned a huge surprise Halloween party for me, complete with decorations and everyone I knew there dressed in costumes. She had even gotten one for me. It was the most incredible surprise that I had ever had. She was so good to me.

Early November marked our one year anniversary. We went out to dinner and agreed that the past year had been an incredible one. We looked forward to the ones that would follow. Her birthday came a couple of weeks later. As we still did not have much money, I got her a book. She wanted me to design her a tattoo, which I said I was happy to do. I put it off for a bit as between going with her to her work and me going to mine, I felt as if I didn't have much time. The moments we did have with nothing to do, I wanted to cuddle with her and watch TV, or we would go out. I had plans to complete the tattoo for Christmas.

In early December, I had booked a flight to return to the states for the holidays. She was supposed to come with me, but plans changed as her grandparents were going to be visiting and she hadn't seen them in years. She changed her flight to make sure she would get to me by the day after Christmas, and she would spend the holiday with hers. So I returned to LA, and then the east coast. I booked a bunch of work to make money so we could have a great time when she came to visit. I think I only had maybe three days off in total before the holiday. She was going to meet my family for the first time, and there were many places I wanted to take her. I just wanted the experience to be perfect, and I was so looking forward to having her with me where I grew up. The time couldn't have passed fast enough for me. Christmas came, and the next day she was to arrive.

Getting Together

Still in September 2008 now. "New girl's" friend is single. So am I. We began to text a little and I invited her out with my friends and I as she was interested in joining us in our expeditions of the social scene. We had tons of fun together, and my friends loved her. They became her good friends too. She and I had begun to get a little more flirty with each other as it became obvious that the attraction was mutual. October 2008 comes around. One night we were playing pool and she was behind me. She boldly made a move and kissed the back of my neck. I turned right around and kissed her. It was on, and it was great. We knew we had to keep it quiet because "New girl" was her friend and she was staying with her. Plus, her five year ex was locally based, and it just wouldn't look good. The lesbian community is small everywhere people. We felt an intimate connection, but didn't end up sleeping together until some weeks later, a sign that I found perfect. Our intimacy evolved slowly and organically, like anything you feel is worth something should.

"New girl" had decided by now that she thought I was still OK to associate with every now and then, especially since her friend had now begun hanging out with me and my little group. She became suggestive and I felt as if she wanted another round with me. I politely rejected the advances, but would tell her and her friend to come hang out whenever I was out. One night they came out to a club to meet me. As the night was ending I whispered to her friend that she should find a way to come back to my place. She made it happen, despite pissing off "New girl" and lying to her about what she was doing. She decided she didn't want to report to "New girl" anymore. She gets her stuff into her car and starts staying with me, but not every night. We still had to make it look like she was living somewhere else, which she was adamant about. She temporarily moved all of her stuff in with another friend. But she began staying with me a few nights a week, and we began an intimate relationship.

Despite the fact it was obvious I was falling for this girl, I had my reservations. I still felt like I shouldn't jump into anything, especially with a musician. I didn't know for sure what her intentions were with me, as she had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I did not want to be a rebound. I did enjoy her very much though and thought about her all of the time. We had a lot in common.

I had also started casually seeing another girl while going out a lot in September. I had only had a few dates with this girl as she lived about 45 minutes away, but she was cool and I had been intimate with her as well. But the more I saw my musician girl, the more I knew I wanted her to be mine. I had organized a Halloween party at my place, and both of my interests were planning on coming to it. I hated the predicament but had invited the other girl before I had thought I had a chance with my musician. The other girl was planning on staying over so she wouldn't have to drive the distance back to her home. My musician was planning on staying too as she had been living with me a bit, but knew the other girl was coming and that I was more into her anyway. She was a good sport about it. The other girl ended up staying in my room with me. I hooked up with her out of obligation (I know how that sounds), but my heart was in the other room, on the couch with my musician. I told her so before I went to bed. It didn't change a thing as all was understood and our feelings for each other were strong. I broke everything off with the other girl right after that party. Now my full attentions were on my musician.

She understood and put up with my aversions to getting into a relationship. However she also made me aware that she liked me very much, and was not afraid to fall in love, even if I didn't feel the same way. That threw me for a loop. She was amazing, and patient, and caring. I knew I loved her as much as she loved me. She told me so for the first time in early November 2008. I told her the same back. The actual date was later to become what we would call our anniversary. We loved hard and we loved deeply. We spent as much time together as possible. We had another hurdle that we knew we had to face however - we were both going to be leaving LA. As I mentioned earlier, I had a flight booked back east for a month so I could spend the holidays with my family. She had a tour with her band planned for the middle of November, and by the time she returned, I would be gone. In addition to that, before I was due to come back, she would be leaving again, for an undisclosed amount of time - to the other side of the world. I should have mentioned this before, but she's from another country. The band's label decided they should release their album there.

The last day she was in town, she had a show that night. It was also her birthday. I got her a cake and organized a surprise dinner for the only hour she had free that day between rehearsals and her show. At the after-party that night, we said our goodbyes. No expectations were allowed, as we both knew the distance would make things very difficult. The experience of being with each other, even for that short amount of time, had a huge impact on both of us, and we knew it. Nothing would change the plans though.

She left for tour. I knew I had to see her again. I got my best friend to agree to drive halfway across the US with me to surprise her at a show. The trip took 21 hours straight, with us sleeping for three hours and then switching. Definitely the farthest I had ever traveled for a love interest. We made it to the bar the band was to play at, before her arrival at the venue. She was obviously very surprised to see us, and I know she was happy. I felt at the time though that even if I was making a mistake by showing up there, it would have been worth it just to see her face again. I got to make love to her one more time that night, and it was wonderful. Saying goodbye and driving back to LA the next day was tough, but I was happy about my decision to go and see her. I left for the east coast about a week and a half later. She came back to LA and then left the states for her country.

We stayed in touch. The time distance was significant, but we made it work. We Skyped. Being able to see her face on a computer screen was amazing, but a torture as well as I couldn't touch it. We talked as much as we could and hung up looking forward to the next exchange. The more time we spent apart, the more we missed each other and realized we didn't want to be with any other person. We spoke in agreement of that and made it official. We each thrived with the other. I now had a girlfriend I was completely and totally in love with, on the other side of the planet. One day over Skype that December she asked me out of the blue, "Would you move here for a bit?". I took a moment and then said yes. It came out naturally and without second thoughts. I would, and I could. She had realized that it was likely the band would be out of the states for awhile, and she wanted me with her. I wanted to be with her and saw longevity in our future. I didn't mention this to anyone for the time being. I returned to LA for the dawning of 2009.

In January she and I continued to Skype, and to love, and to plan. I thought it would be good to see the country she is from first before I relocated, so I booked a plane ticket there for the beginning of February, for 16 days total, including Valentine's Day. From the day I booked the plane ticket, I began to draw a portrait of her. She inspired me. I can be a pretty good artist when I sit down and work on a project, and the portrait was the first piece I had been inspired to do in years. I finished it in two weeks and in time for my trip.

She got me at the airport and we picked up exactly where we had left off. By the time I got there we had been apart for about three months. Our love had only grown during that time. I instantly liked where she is from and felt right at home there. I knew I could make the move and be with her. She really showed me an amazing time and planned so many things to make it the most incredible trip of my life. On Valentine's Day we exchanged gifts, and it was art for art. I gave her the portrait, which came out great, and she had written a song for me, which she played; it was beautiful. As a rule, she never writes down lyrics for her music, and she took the time out of our romantic breakfast that morning to do so for me, so I had my song. It was a surreal day and trip in general; I never wanted it to end. A couple days later I flew back to LA. She was to follow in a couple of weeks with her band to play a music festival. Everything was working out, and so doable! The future was becoming clear. We commented that we were each other's soulmates. We were solid.