Letting Go

My focus lately had been on trying to stay healthy, in body and in mind. I am not dwelling on things I can't change. I am working on changing things about myself that I don't like. It is in my nature to be a bit stubborn, and perhaps take things a little far sometimes. The result is always the same; I end up feeling like crap and possibly hurting other people in the process. In my break up experience, I have begun to feel uneasy about being so affected by rumors. The bottom line here is that I am on the other side of the world and will never know what is going on for sure, unless I actually ask the people directly involved. And honestly, I don't think I should let it bother me so much, whatever the case is.

I want to be happy - the only way I will achieve this is to let go of the ideas and thoughts that are preventing me from moving forward. I really really do want my ex to be happy too, in every way humanly possible. I have been selfish by hoping too much that my ex will realize she has made a huge mistake by letting me go and want me back. But then I have to think about that scenario seriously. If she did all of a sudden confess that, what would I do? The answer can be none other than this - nothing. Going back to her would not change what I am still unhappy about within myself. I still need to go to school and get my career on track here. I want to be whole and able to bring something I am proud of to my next relationship, no matter who is it with.

Another part of letting go for me is giving "F" the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe I have been too harsh in jumping to conclusions. Do I really believe that she is as devious as I have made her out to be? I don't think so. I like to believe that people are inherently good. Hearing rumors has obviously affected my judgement, but my sources are speculating and there are no concrete facts to review. "F" has been very nice to me in the past, and maybe her reaching out to me via chat a couple of weeks ago was genuine. And maybe she does have a crush on my ex. So what? If she is helping my ex by providing good company and support, then I really owe her a big thank you. And if she is helping her by being with her, I have no right to knock that either. My main concern, again, is my ex's happiness. I have to remind myself that I can't let my emotions get in the way of wishing that for her. I am sure she is still having to struggle with her own emotions and thoughts from time to time. I want her to thrive, no matter what it takes. I really hope she knows that. It saddens me that my actions may have cast doubt on that, and something I do struggle with is not being in touch and able to tell her. I hope someday I have that opportunity again.

I Get By With a Little Help (from an ex)

One day at a time, still bummed, trying to shake it off.

I ended up having an online chat with an ex of mine the other night. I dated her about seven years ago now. We were only together for about a year, and had gone to college together. I am the only woman she has ever dated. We have remained friends over the years, which is something I am happy about; we were friends before the fact and afterwards we just kind of made it work. She has always made it very clear that she always has time for me if I need to talk about something, and I know she genuinely cares about my well-being.

So we were discussing my situation and my frustrations. The rumors have clearly been making me nuts on top of my broken heart. She gave me advice and heard me out. She told me to stay positive and work on me and all that. I asked her if she had ever gone through a similar situation and was taken aback by her answer. She mentioned that the only time she has ever had her heart broken was by me; before that it was always on her terms, and after she didn't date anyone for three years before meeting the great guy she is with now.

I didn't really know what to say to that statement so I skirted around it and brought the conversation back to where I was comfortable. I know she wasn't looking for me to say anything about it; she just voiced a fact. I have been thinking about it since though. Because I have been so consumed with my own feelings of hurt and rejection, I never stopped to consider how I may have caused those feelings in others. Especially in this case as the one woman she dated seriously and was committed to, I must have thrown her world for a bit of a loop too when I left her. The crazy thing is, I didn't even remember that I was the one that had broken it off with her. We had been living a state apart as she had graduated before me, and couldn't see each other as much as when we were both still in school obviously. I remember now that I had met someone local and had decided that the distance wasn't working for me. (We have seen since that I have been able to deal with much greater distances.) I had gone up to see her in person and had told her the honest truth about both of those facts. I had forgotten or blocked out her pain.

I guess the whole point here in bringing this up is to help myself remember that I have been on the other side of this current situation. I had broken relationships off for reasons of my own and have tried not to look back. Now I see that looking back is helpful in understanding what my current ex is possibly going through. I have been in that role. I remember it isn't easy, but I also remember having convictions that made my decisions right at the time. Despite those decisions, I still have friends in many of my exes, even if it took some time after the initial hurt to solidify those friendships again. If nothing else, this whole experience is teaching me things about myself not only that I have to learn, but that I should remember.

PASN Part 2

It has happened. I have been officially de-friended on Facebook, by both my ex and "F". So has one of my sources. I take this to mean that shit must have hit the fan over there, and the truth has come out about what I know. I take it also that my postings of late haven't helped in this situation, and that was the consequence. Once again people, I have given you examples of what not to do when you are hurting.

I was initially pretty bummed when I learned that this has happened. I can also own my part of why it happened though. The hurt and resulting stubbornness that I have felt has caused me to act in ways which would normally be uncharacteristic of me. I feel no hate, I feel no anger. I am disappointed in myself for giving in to writing posts that I hoped got read and analyzed in order to cause guilt. I realize after sitting with that thought that it is not up to me to cause such guilt. I realize that doing so makes me look weak, unstable, and probably pretty unattractive. I understand why my ex is going to the lengths she is going to and severing communications with me. I guess I am making it pretty obvious that I am still not OK. She is a very intelligent woman and can see that I am not only passively aggressively tormenting her and her possible new interest, but torturing myself as well by letting it consume me. It was silly of me to think my posts would go unnoticed.

So perhaps a favor has been done for me here. I no longer have the leisure of checking in on them as I please. I will no longer be wasting my time doing that. Of course I still wish that my ex would put in the effort to address me directly about my actions and her feelings. She knows she has put me through a lot, and I would hope she eventually would feel as if she owed me, if only based on the care and love for me I know existed, a truthful conversation about the situation at hand. Until that happens though, I will still hold onto a belief I have in her. I will support her decisions and trust that she is making them to preserve her emotions, and with an interest in mine too. I will love her through this and continuously hope for her happiness, and that eventually my own understanding of things will manifest as it should.

A way I am able to still feel this way is by trying really hard to put myself in her shoes. So let's say she and "F" do have a thing going on. They have been hiding it publicly and are probably getting sick of that. If I were my ex and found out that she knew what I was doing, I would know it would be pointless to hide things anymore, but also wouldn't want to throw it in her face on a social networking site. I would probably cut her off from seeing my activity too. And let's take the other scenario. Maybe there is nothing going on. Still, if my ex thinks I am obsessing about the possibility, it would make sense to cut me off in that case as well. If it's not true and just an innocent friendship then she wouldn't want to know my suspicions and lack of trust; and it would be annoying to know they were being talked about. So fine, another method of communication has been cut. A possible silver lining? - That she can't see what I am up to either. With time she may be interested and curious about my life, and miss me. In a healthy way.

Passive Aggressive Social Networking

OK, so I was a little passive aggressive yesterday in my social networking. Weakness happens. The result was my ex deciding to no longer follow me on twitter. That made me sad. I hadn't written anything horrible, just a comment that was directed at no one in particular, along the lines of "making sure people around you did not only view you as a conquest". It could have applied to my life - in fact, I would like it to. Apparently my ex took it personally. Or it could have been just hard for her to read. Maybe she thought about it too much or saw it as an attack. Either way, I was unhappy about the result. Is it wrong to post one's feelings? I know it makes it difficult, but my ex has already cut off other communications from me, why that too? Twitter is harmless, and I thought she might care to check in on me every now and then to see how or what I am doing. My friends tell me it's probably a healthy thing, and I can agree with that to an extent, but it was still disappointing.

Then there's more. So I have been reading a philosophical novel for the past few weeks. Amongst the ideals in said novel are how selfishness doesn't lead to happiness and how anything that begins impurely amounts to nothing, stuff like that, so my Facebook posts have reflected these types of thoughts. They are really concepts I agree with wholeheartedly, as my resolution for New Year's this year was to be true to myself and to others. Yes, fine, I guess they could apply to my angst about the possible situation of "F" taking my ex from me. Either way, the concepts reflect my life musings as of late. Yesterday "F" posted something about how Facebook status slander was immature and any questions should be asked to those involved in a situation directly. I took this to mean that she was feeling some type of guilt/annoyance from my posts. She posted it shortly after I had put up a new one of mine. Not my problem. I don't have any questions for her, and all of my posts have had a universal meaning to my life and for others to consider. I pressed the "like" button to her post. Ha.

Maybe "F" is on to the fact I know something. Maybe she is paranoid. She will get no satisfaction from me either way. I will continue to post my new learned ideals on occasion. She can go ahead and "de-friend" me if she wishes, I personally think I owe her no more respect than what she has shown to me. I wonder if she is whining about it to my ex. Her insecurities and guilt are hers to carry. Although my ex has stopped following me on twitter, she has not de-friended me on Facebook yet (isn't it lame how this really affects people? I apologize for the lameness, but I can't help it right now). Maybe that will be the next step. Maybe she will email me the truth at some point. Maybe nothing will change. I am not trying to hurt my ex at all, but I do think "F" needs to sit with herself and think about her actions and how the universe will pay her back someday. I am sure that it will.

Anyway, take this as a lesson of what is probably not smart to do after a break up. Temptations to lash out are constant, especially when you think you may be being viewed as the fool. I don't have the urge to lash out at my ex, just "F" because she is so arrogant and smug about everything. I suppose for me to truly let go I need to make sure her crappy character isn't a focus for me anymore. I need to let the universe do its job. I just get impatient.

Another Restless Night and Day

I went to bed last night around 1:30am. My eyes flew open just before 3am. I wasn't exactly sure what woke me. What it seemed to be was a noise, but had I really heard it? The only way I can think to describe it is like a guttural moan or cry, but I couldn't figure out what it could have come from. It sounded like the combination of a tortured cat, a woman in pain, and a menacing crow. It scared me for the second I shot awake, and then the fear dissipated as I laid in the silence. What the heck was that about? I know I haven't been sleeping well, but I don't normally dream much or hallucinate either. Very strange. My mind got going about my ex again and I tossed and turned the rest of the night.

I went for a run by myself today. I know it doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but it felt like one to me as I did it without being prompted by another. I just felt like running. I ran until it hurt. Then I walked for a bit. The total distance I ran wasn't much, but it got me out of breath nonetheless. I was aware of my body. I took the cold air into my lungs and experienced some scents that reminded me of my childhood - of easier, carefree times. I came back to my house and sat on the steps until my body temperature regulated enough to enter a heated house without passing out.

I looked for jobs. I looked on Facebook. I updated my twitter. I noticed that my ex had updated hers too, for the first time since the day after she broke up with me. I guess she is reemerging. I want her to be happy, I just want her to think of me too. I willed for her to reach out to me soon. I want to move on knowing she cares about me as well. She should reemerge; and I should too. I will continue to be honest with myself as part of my process. I will continue to feel the pain as I need to. I won't seek it out, but I will feel it.

I am getting restless here. I need to get back to LA soon.

Serenity Now...

Today got started with me getting more information about my ex and "F". Apparently before Christmas, when I had already gone back to the states, my ex had a solo gig and "F" was there with her, being outwardly affectionate. A few days later they were seen again by my source, at a club with other people. My source for this information was separate from the others I have been talking to, and had also confirmed that "F" was definitely the one making the moves, and once again my ex seemed uncomfortable about it. Like I said before, it could have been because there were people there that knew me, and my ex could have been smart enough to at least make it look like she wasn't into it. I don't know. I think trust issues may become a problem for me in the future because of all this. Ugh.

I am working really hard at letting this information not bother me too deeply. I do think about it of course, but I know that doesn't accomplish anything - they are still gonna do whatever they are doing (if anything), and I am wasting my time dwelling on it. I am sick of wasting time. I want to move forward here, for myself.

I haven't heard anything more from my ex. I am unsure if I will. I made it pretty clear that she would need to contact me next if she wanted to. It's terribly hard to be the bigger person with the information I have, but a good test of patience and endurance on my part. This will make me stronger somehow, I am sure of it.

Other than that, it's been a pretty lazy Sunday. I spent a good deal of it reading. I took a walk. Oh yeah, and I have a new mission - to sell a bunch of old crap on ebay. My best friend from high school has begun selling some of her old stuff and is making some money. Apparently people will buy almost anything! I think I may make it a project tomorrow - to take pictures and list a bunch of stuff. Can't hurt while I am unemployed.

Getting Through(?)

Today I just wanted to share the kinds of activities that have helped me so far. The advice I have gotten from people since Day 1 of my breakup is "surround yourself by those that love you and stay busy!" Very generic advice, and yes, true, it is what is needed. It has been a struggle. The last thing I wanted for awhile was to be around anyone except my ex, and that wasn't possible. I wanted to be alone. I know that isolation isn't the best thing for depression, but that's what I wanted. My family and friends let me alone for a couple of days, and then were patient with me as I made baby steps back into the world of the living.

My dad got me outside to go for walks. Even though I hate the cold and it's winter now, it was good to get my muscles moving and feel the harshness of the elements. It let me be aware of something other than emotional pain. I was able to appreciate a sunset. We would talk and the interaction would help. It would distract me from being in my head with thoughts of missing my ex, wondering what she was doing, wondering if she was thinking of me, wondering if she and "F" were really having a love affair, etc. Again, nothing I could control, nothing I should be dwelling on. I recognized the importance of getting out and doing things, if only to quiet my brain a bit. I could never totally stop the thoughts of her, but if I was preoccupied, they occurred less frequently. My brother would take me out to the bar when he went with his friends and stuff, and that helped too. I am trying not to numb myself frequently with drinking and stuff though, I know that could become problematic.

My best friend from high school turned out to be a great support. We are very different people. She is straight and we have never really been the type to call each other for hours and discuss our lives, but she has remained consistent over the years as someone I knew I would stay in touch with and talk to if I needed it. Anyway, when she heard I was back in town, she made a point to devote her two days off a week to spending time with me and getting me out of the house. The first time she came by she actually presented me with a list of things from which I could pick to do. It was very sweet, unexpected, and thoughtful. The list contained activities such as bowling, going to an art gallery, seeing a movie, and going for a massage. We actually were able to do most of those things over the past few weeks, and it definitely helped.

One of my personal favorites was going to the massage place. I had decided that instead of getting a massage, I wanted to try reiki. For any of you that are not aware of what that is, it's sort of an energy healing session where the reiki master lays hand on you and focuses her or his energy on aligning your chakras, which are the supposed seven centers of spiritual power in the human body. It is said that if any of your chakras are out of whack, that you may not be open to the universe and receiving proper energy and whatnot for your life and life's decisions. Reiki is also supposed to help in reducing stress, and I was definitely feeling tons of that, so I thought it couldn't hurt. Another thing I read about it beforehand was that you didn't have to believe in it for it to work. Great. I went for two sessions total so far, and whether it really does anything for me or not, I can say with certainty that I left each session feeling heaps better than when I went in. I don't want to continue being depressed. I want to strive towards positivity. C'mon little chakras! Didn't hurt to try. At 80 bucks a session though I am going to try other things as well now.

There are still days where I just am not in the mood for other people. These are days that I try to devote to what I need to do next. I will sit on this computer and scour craigslist for jobs that I may be interested in doing when I return to LA in a couple of weeks. Since I have committed to a graphic design program for school, I should start building a portfolio. It is going to be hard to get hired without experience, but you never know who will take a chance on you if you are honest. And let's face it, many employers on craigslist are looking to pay so little for services, that maybe my student status will be beneficial since I can't charge much without having the experience in the first place. I had a few people express interest, I did some trial mock ups, and I haven't heard from any of them since. I will keep trying.

Another thing I have been trying to do is learn. Everything I can. Since I have spent the last however many years in and out of relationships, I haven't had much time for myself. So I am reading books, I am trying to do online tutorials for graphic design programs, I try to teach myself a new word everyday; I am trying to stay busy but also better myself. Reading has been wonderful. I forgot how much I used to enjoy it; it was one of the first things that I discarded when I was so "busy" with work and girlfriends and going out. I hope to continue to always have a book in progress now. They take me somewhere else, I learn about the characters, and lately, especially with the one I am reading now, I can see parallels of my own life in the fictional lives of some of these characters. I am getting different perspectives without even asking for them, and they are very valuable.

The final thing I have been doing with my time is writing this blog. I honestly didn't know what to expect when I started it. I was not sure if it would ever be read by another set of eyes than mine. I still have no idea how many people actually take the time to read what I have to say here. I do know that at least a few people do, and have taken their time and effort to say so. It has made me think that you really never know what people may be going through. You can pass a crowd in the street and some member of that crowd could be dealing with pain of unknown proportions to you. I don't know my readers, but I know they exist, and I know, through their comments, that they have experienced pain like mine. I know I am not alone, and that may be the one thing that has helped me the most so far. Thank you ladies, from my heart.

To Be or Not to Be (vulnerable)

Yesterday I get another email from my ex. Most of it was business stuff regarding an item she was supposed to send me, but then couldn't because of money issues. She seemed to feel pretty bad about it and said she really wanted to be able to do this favor for me and that she felt she let me down (which she did, but I wasn't holding my breath). However, she also added in there that she was really struggling with me being gone at the moment, and that she "missed me so much". So much for "going quiet from here on in". Obviously I miss her too, so much. I miss sleeping next to her more than anything in the world. But I thought she had made it clear that we were not supposed to be saying those kinds of things to each other anymore. She clearly still feels for me though, and I feel for her too. I debated on how to respond to this.

What to do? I know that if I ignored those comments, my response would seem cold and mechanical. I know she would hate that because she had an ex that would send those kinds of emails to her during their breakup and it hurt her a lot. She had told me in the past that she would not want to have to edit how she is feeling towards me; if she wants to say she misses or loves me, she should be able to. She knows I will read it and think about it, and she knows I like to hear it. This also makes it seem implausible that she is having a serious relationship with "F", if she really is missing me so much. Maybe she is thinking she made a mistake? I wish. Regardless, there is no turning back now, we are on opposite sides of the world. Knowing that, why put myself through more emotional strain by being nice? Because I still do love her, that's why. And there is still a piece of me that would love to reconnect in the future, so my actions and reactions need to be considered and well planned out. I don't want to push her away.

I ended up writing her back that I was sorry she was struggling at the moment, and that I would hug her if I could. I told her to surround herself with people that bring out that smile of hers. I admitted that I missed her too, and that I was sure she knew that and could feel it from where she was. And that was pretty much it. I don't think I overdid it, yet I don't think I will get a response, and that's OK. The purpose was to let her know that I am still thinking about her too. She can sit with that for now. I didn't want to appear bitter, or weak, and also not too overeager to hear her words. It does make me a bit vulnerable and put the ball back into her court. I think my response was alright. We will see what happens.

The Concept of Time

I have received a number of responses here and from the people I know personally that echo the concept of allowing time to help in the healing process. I of course realize that this is pivotal and necessary for any healing process, and I would like to expand on the idea a little more.

I agree that going through a breakup is in some ways similar to mourning a death. It is the "death of the relationship" after all. When you lose a loved one, many of the same emotions come to the surface - anger, sadness, denial, regret. However, in my opinion, a breakup can almost be worse. A loved one that dies did not do so by choice (most of the time), and because of that, it's nobody's fault. When you are mourning a break up, the emotions already listed reveal themselves, and are joined by others such as rejection, a lack of self esteem, and many many more. You may blame yourself for what happened, you may blame your ex. Either way, because they still exist and so do you, the emotions are harder to feel and then let go of. Chances are you may bump into them again. I know in the past, whenever I have seen one ex or another, many of the feelings I thought were gone and done with still have a mischievous way of manifesting themselves again to a degree. Not much you can do about that.

So yes, time will of course help feelings and emotions get pushed down a bit, will get them further away from the surface, but can they ever go away for good? I don't know. Imagine if a relative you loved and thought was dead suddenly reappeared in your life again somehow. Just something to think about. So on that note, what about the love you had or still have for your ex? We have already discussed that time can help heal or at least lessen the bad feelings, but what of the good? I believe love is an amazing emotion, one of the only that I can think of that can be truly unconditional. As I mentioned in one of my comments, we know that love can withstand so much - betrayal, lying, cheating, the list goes on.... How many people do you know that have been in relationships where something crap had happened and the couple was able to pull through it and remain together? It happens people. All the time. My point here is that I don't think love dies with a break up. How many of your exes still tell you they love you from time to time, even if it is in a drunk text? Love that is real remains, somewhere within us, even if it gets buried. True love never dies, especially if you believe in it.

A little more than a month into my break up journey, time has helped for sure. I cry less when I talk about my ex, and that is good. I can function and have my appetite back, and that is good. I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I got sick of it and am trying to move forward with my life, and that is good too. Time has made this possible. Do I think of her less frequently though? Nope. Do I love her any less? Nope. Will these things change in another month or two? I don't know. I suppose time will tell.

Sad Days

I woke up today and knew right away I would be having another sad day. I have been having them a lot lately to be honest. Time has definitely helped my overall condition over the past month, but there is still consistency to the depression I feel. I still don't sleep through the night. I still think of my ex before I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up. I think about what I would like to say to her, and what I would like to say to "F". My brain won't be quiet.

As we all know, Valentine's Day was this past weekend. It was a hard one because all I could think about was about how great of a time I had with my ex last year. We had been on the other side of the world. We had a nice breakfast and went to an all day music festival. It was a blast. My sources have informed me that my ex went with "F" and a couple other friends to the same festival this past weekend. Did she think of me on the day as I did of her?

I know my ex and I had agreed to not be speaking. I had told her I would let her contact me next if she wanted to talk. However, being the person that I am, it would not be in my character to let Valentine's Day pass without at least acknowledging it. It is, after all, a day about love - past, present, and future, and I wanted to recognize that. I got many opinions from people about what I should or shouldn't do or send. Knowing that my ex and "F" will most likely be each other's Valentine made it hard too. But I was still operating under the guise of ignorance, so I thought about what I would want to do if I knew nothing at all. I decided to buy the most generic card I could find. The only words it contained were "Happy Valentine's Day". Inside I kept it fairly short. I told her the day comes whether we like it or not and I wished to acknowledge it. I told her I hoped she had a good day no matter what she ended up doing. I included a picture CD from her trip to see my family as they were her memories too and she had taken some of the pictures herself. I also included an item she had left behind that I know she wanted returned. I put everything in a padded envelope and sent it. Since we are not speaking I had no way of knowing whether she got it or not.

I should mention that my ex and I did agree to correspondence if it had to do with matters we had to take care of jointly. For example, she has no credit cards and I do, so we charged a bunch of plane fares to mine, and they will need to be paid off together. My ex had emailed me the other day about another joint matter. At the end she said she missed me very much and hoped daily I was doing OK. In my reply I said I missed her too. A few weeks ago when I got back east, a couple of members of my family reached out to her over email to let her know they hoped she was OK and knew this was difficult for both of us. She had never responded to them, so I also mentioned in my email reply to her that even though time has gone by, they still wonder and care about her well-being. I told her that if she ever found the time and strength concurrently, they would love to hear from her no matter when it is. Yesterday I found a lengthy email from her in my inbox, saying she had heard what I said about my family. She had written a letter for me to forward to them, mentioning each of them by name and saying beautiful things about meeting them and how she was still going to love and protect me in every way she knew how. She also said goodbye in a way. It was an extremely hard email to read, and I am sure it was hard for her to write. It makes it more baffling to me if she in fact is already moving on with "F". She seemed so genuine in the email. She said she was going quiet from here on in. I was glad she had at least respected me enough to take the time and emotion into writing that. I cry every time I read it over. I read it again today.

Last night I sent a message to her sister letting her know about the little package I had sent. I just wanted to know that my ex had received it. I got a response this morning that she had received a notice to pick it up from the post office. I hope she does. I wonder if she will say anything to me about it.

Hating Facebook

Now I understand that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional and all that. I realize that we have choices, and that looking at social networking sites is not necessarily a healthy choice when you have been broken up with. Normally, I would not care, but since I have been given some undesirable information regarding my ex's recent activities with "F", I gave into temptation and played detective a little bit. I will start by saying that I didn't like what I saw.

My ex was smart enough not to post a thing, and I give her credit for that. No updates, no new pictures, no comments on other people's pages. This seemed to coincide well enough with how I thought she should be - taking time for herself, missing me, and keeping busy with her life. "F" however, was a completely different story. Beginning the day after I left, she began posting things such as "you just know...", "thinking, thinking, thinking", and "there are really great things happening in my life right now". Almost all of the updates were followed with smiley faces. It was annoying. Now I am not saying these are obvious admissions of a dirty love affair, but I think anyone can read between the lines here if they have the information I do regarding this girl's intentions.

I had decided, despite being very tempted and unafraid of confrontation, to act as if I had no information that my ex may have something going on with "F". This meant I wouldn't confront either of them. I chose this for two reasons. One is that there is always the possibility that there is nothing going on for sure. Yes, I know that a few people believe there is something going on. Yes, it is obvious that "F" wants there to be, and I know they hang out all the time, but I can not really know if they have any kind of intimate relationship. The last time I talked to my ex before it was pronounced that we would not be speaking anymore, she told me she still loved me, was not over me, and felt guilty about what she had put me through. Once again, I wanted to believe her because she had always been honest with me. And if there is nothing going on, I didn't want to accuse her and break that trust we have. I didn't want to be the paranoid ex on the other side of the world. I didn't want to ruin a chance of getting back with her over rumors and my own insecurities.

The other reason I chose not to confront them is because I did not want to get my sources in trouble. They respected me enough to keep me in the loop, and since they were mutual friends of my ex and "F" as well, I didn't want lesbian drama resulting from that. Plus, I didn't mind getting the occasional tidbit. Yes, I know it will make it hard for me. But if there is in fact something going on there, I may as well be aware of it so I do not have to feel like a fool down the line when they finally confess to it. I am done with surprises for the time being. Knowing information gives me a small amount of power, not over the situation, but how I can react to it. I don't want their pity, and I am done feeling sorry for myself. If the rumors turn out to be true, when and if they find the courage to tell me, I will already have known and they can feel like asses because of that.

So they don't know that I know. This becomes interesting because "F" has taken it upon herself to chat to me on Facebook, on a couple different occasions, asking me how I am doing. Oh, the audacity. I find it arrogant, insulting, manipulative, and overall just really mean to inquire about my well-being under the assumption of my supposed ignorance to their situation. What a bitch, its unreal. What does she have to gain by keeping in touch with me? Is she trying to find out information about me for my ex? I doubt my ex would request information, but "F" is the kind of girl that would love to have some to give. I kept my responses to her questions very general and lighthearted. I asked her about her job, and the weather, and stupid shit like that. Then she would abruptly have to go to a meeting or something. I would thank her for reaching out to me. I would curse her under my breath. I try to tell myself that my ex will eventually have to see the kind of person "F" is. I found a quote that says, "When the infatuation wears off, you see people for who they really are". I know my ex is deep, and kind, and caring. I have to believe that she may have to find some things out the hard way. I sure have.

The Rumor Mill

Having a little bit of direction was good for me. It also gave me a timeline. I needed to get all of the other aspects of my life together around the choice I made of going to school. One day at a time, that's what everyone told me. It would come together.

Then I regressed a bit. I had begun receiving information that my ex may be seeing another girl already, and this girl had been a "mutual friend" of ours. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What made it worse was that as the days progressed, I found out more and more disturbing information. An example of this is that my ex had been seen at a bar, the day after I left, with this other girl on her lap. At a party a week later, they were supposedly telling people that they were "really enjoying each other's company and seeing what happened" and "not hiding it, but not really putting it out there either, if that makes sense." Wtf?? Could it be that my ex had concocted a scenario to remove me, and made the premise of it seem like she was doing it as a sacrifice to help me help my own life? I didn't know what to think. My sources were mutual friends that respected me enough to let me know what may be going on. But the information they told me was from their observation and the other girl's mouth, not my ex's.

As I had said before, my ex and I had a great relationship. No problems, no fights. I suppose it is possible that my ex could have developed feelings for this other girl, but why not be honest with me about it? And the whole reason our breakup conversation came about was because I had voiced my own insecurities with my life, and that enabled her to voice hers. I had even asked her if her decision to leave me was for another, and she said no. What would she gain by lying to me? Could she really be ready to give her heart to another? I thought I knew her really well, and I know she feels emotions very deeply. It just didn't seem like she could turn her love off for me and instantly be alright to be with someone else.

Now for some background on this "mutual friend". We will call her "F" for discussion purposes. She is in her upper 20s, and had been "out" for just over a year. She was engaged to a man for 5 years previously from what I understand. This makes her very immature in terms of lesbian relationships, and clearly etiquette. She has a habit of going after girls with girlfriends, and actually said to her ex, "I have the cockiness, confidence, and capability to break up any couple." Now what kind of person thinks that, let alone says that?? Couldn't my ex see what kind of person she was?

I have also learned that at a recent group dinner, my ex and "F" arrived together and left early together. I was made aware however that whenever "F" made a move to put her hand on my ex's leg or whatever, my ex would promptly remove it. This could be for one of two reasons - that my ex wanted nothing to do with her, or that there was in fact something going on, but my ex was at least being classy enough to not want to make that obvious in front of people we both know for fear of it getting back to me. My sources however, are convinced there is definitely something going on. As they are on the other side of the world, I realize I can do nothing about it either way. I just have a hard time getting my head around the fact that it could be happening. I want to believe that my ex left me for the reasons she said, which appeared to be so selfless. I don't want to doubt that now. Maybe my ex is just in need of friends, and "F" just so happens to be making herself available at every moment. I am aware of "F"'s intentions though, because she makes them no secret. It really is awful when people turn out to be shit friends. This is torture.

Now What?

So I am back on the east coast, less than two weeks after my ex had just met my entire family. I couldn't go back to LA because I had my life figured out to be in another country until July. I didn't have my apartment (it is contractually sublet through June), I didn't have a job (the bar I worked at closed while I was away), I didn't have any money (since my ex had done the majority of the earning, I could no longer rely on our joint bank account) I didn't have a car (signed it over to my friend, and no money means I can't afford it anyway). I also didn't have my girlfriend, who, as in many lesbian relationships, was also my best friend. I felt super alone and worthless. I felt I had nothing.

Like I mentioned though in my last post, my family has been amazing, so much better than I could have expected, so the plan became for me to stay in their house until I could regroup and return to LA. They tried to convince me to stay around for as long as I needed to, but I have always had a fear of becoming stuck around where I grew up. Plus, if my ex really broke up with me because she felt I needed to go on my own journey and find my true passion or path or whatever, I knew I would never really accomplish that by living at my parents' place. It has been nice not to have many expenses though for the time being.

So what have I been doing to get myself on track here? Well I tried to sit with myself and really think about what I wanted and needed to do. As much as I kept dwelling on my ex and what I thought I needed to do to prove myself to her, I knew that regardless, every decision I made now had to be made independently from wanting to please her. Now was the time I had to focus on myself. It was (and still is) a very scary thing. I had always gotten by and all that, but I really was sick of not having much money, and not loving what I did for jobs. Yes, bartending was fun but it is not what I wanted to do forever.

So what the hell did I want to do? I already have a college degree in art and theatre, and I scoured craigslist all the time for listings that appealed to me. I found myself looking at many ads for graphic designers. Graphic design had always been something I dabbled in, but I only knew the basics of the programs that I would be required to work in. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became I needed to go back to school. I won't give away my exact age, but let's say I am pushing 30 and the thought of going back to school at this point was extremely daunting. In addition, I am still paying off loans from my undergraduate degree. I spoke with my parents about it, and they were beyond elated at my wanting to continue my education. With their help, I took out another loan, researched some graphic design programs, and made a commitment to attend a university in LA, starting at the end of March. That's right, the end of March. I now had something to look forward to.

The Return

My last days abroad consisted of me being in a trance-like state. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep without waking up every two hours or so. I was constantly aware of my heart beat. I had panic attacks. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.

Throughout these days, my girlfriend (well from here on in we can call her my ex) cried with me at times but tried to be strong. She laid out all of my stuff so I could pack it. She made me protein shakes because nothing solid was appetizing. She talked me through my knots. I know she felt very guilty about her decision. But I also knew she wouldn't take it back. I really felt that if this was born out of a deep love for me, then I had to accept it and trust a future that I wanted to exist for us. I know she cared. She had to. She drove me to the airport and I kept my composure. She did not. I had to trust it was all happening for a reason, but nothing was clear to me anymore.

It took two planes to get to LA, and two more to get back east to my parents. Along the way, I had hoped each one would crash. I had never had suicidal thoughts in my life before, and now I couldn't stop them from coming. The only thing that prevented me from doing anything was thinking about how it would affect the people I know. I didn't care for myself and I didn't want to go on. I don't remember much about my flights or really know how I managed to get to each appropriate gate on time. I made it to the states, and then back east. I was a prime example of emotional wreckage, but still standing.

My family was surprisingly supportive and nonjudgmental. I stayed in bed for days. I paced the house like a zombie for a week. I couldn't eat much. My mother went out and got me Boost, that liquid protein stuff for old people that can't eat solids anymore. I did alright with that. Everything else made me want to vomit. My gag reflex had gotten more sensitive. I still wasn't sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. I cried a lot. I missed my ex like crazy.

She had called me before two of my flights took off in order to check in. It was good to hear her voice. She assured me we would talk every few days when I got back home. We tried, I think three times total. I got a phone card. We would have an OK conversation and then one of us would get emotional. I told her that even so, I always felt better after we spoke. She told me I couldn't keep looking forward to our conversations and using them for strength. I had to get it from within myself. We tried to Skype once. I had decided that since it was an opportunity for her to see my face after a couple of weeks, she should really take a good look and make sure she felt like she made the right decision. She had said she didn't think it was a good idea to be talking so frequently. I read a letter I had written about how right we were for each other and how I thought our relationship deserved another chance. She replied that I haven't even accepted that we broke up. She said that she was going to have to act like the adult and cut off communication for awhile. I felt as if I screwed up a chance at communicating at all. I decided to accept her decision and give her the space she wanted.

That was about two and a half weeks ago.

The Breakup

Ugh. This part is still hard for me to talk about. So we get to our new apartment on the other side of the world, which she and her sister had moved our stuff into before she came out to see me. It was all set up and SO nice. It was perfect in every way and I couldn't believe it. It was close to everything in town and a short walk to the beach. It was summer there so the weather was perfect and I couldn't wait to get settled. I unpacked my suitcases and took in my surroundings. We went to the bar with some mutual friends that day. It was good to be back.

The next couple of days were highlighted by getting up early in the mornings and going for a walk down by the beach. My girlfriend would go for a run first and then I would do my thing, as I like to take my time. We did some errands later in the day and continued to get the place set up. By day three I was ready to go looking for jobs. The bar I had worked at before the holidays had changed ownership and didn't need me anymore, so I printed up some resumes and began the hunt again. On day four my girlfriend came with me to a bar to drop a resume, and then she headed back to the apartment while I decided to go down the street to see if an art gallery and theatre were hiring at all. Neither place was. The lady I spoke to at the theatre however, was mean to me and wouldn't give me the time of day or courtesy to hear me out. Now I have done plenty of theatre work in my day and had experience in many different areas. This woman wouldn't even let me speak to anyone else about working in another department. It bummed me out. I returned to the apartment.

My girlfriend asked me how it went, and I broke down. The theatre woman had upset me a lot, and that experience had highlighted the bigger issue of how the only jobs I was qualified to do, I didn't want to do anymore. I have been bartending for years, and it has been great, but I know it is not what I wanted to do forever. My girlfriend knew that too. I have a BA from a university and everything, I just never found a job field I was really passionate about. My girlfriend had continuously told me that she wanted to provide for me when the band hit, so I guess I was sort of counting on that, and hoping I could figure out my career down the line. Anyway, I had a little cry to her, and then went into the bedroom.

She came in a few minutes later, to comfort me no doubt. Boy, was I wrong. She broke down and told me that she hated seeing me upset about my life, and that she felt as if I was living too much in her shadow and big personality. I was dumbfounded. I did admit that, yes, of course I was living through her a bit, but that was because I picked up and changed around my entire life to move across the world for her. I did my part and was planning on working a lot as soon as i got a job or two. I said I was putting my career on hold while hers was taking off. She replied to that by saying, "What career?" The worst part of that was I didn't have a clear answer. She said she felt as if she was holding me back, and that I couldn't ever find myself while I was getting all of my happiness from the relationship. She said she was sick of hearing about what I wanted to do in the future and said instead of talking about doing things, I should actually DO them. Like her tattoo that I never completed (because I was working, mind you).

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where it was coming from. She said she was frightened that I didn't have a plan outside of her and her success. Which I can understand - it must have been scary for her to think that two people's happiness depended on her succeeding. And if she didn't succeed, what would we have to fall back on? I get that. She said she had a clear path with goals in her life, and she deserved to be with somebody who had that kind of passion too. That hurt because she knows I have passion and talent, and she always told me she saw it. I couldn't understand why it was now a huge deal to wait for me to display it. So naturally, through tears, I told her I would fix things. I loved her and would do anything for her. But that was the problem, she said. I needed to go on my own journey, alone, to find what propelled me inside. She said I couldn't do that while being with her, because then she couldn't trust that I was doing it for me, and not the relationship.

I could not believe what I was hearing. So what started out as a weak moment of job insecurity for me turned into a tear-jerking honesty session turned into my girlfriend wanting to break up with me? What? I just got back here! I thought your partner is supposed to support you if you are having a rough time! Why was she trying to throw me away? Nothing made sense. So I asked her if she was actually breaking up with me. She was. Now keep in mind I am on the other side of the world, my only support system being mutual friends and her family. Not good. I was a crying mess and didn't know what to do. She told me I couldn't be with her while I was "on my journey". So did she really mean I needed to fly back to LA?? After not even being back there for a week?? I told her I needed to think about what she had said.

The next couple of days were a blur. I remember begging and pleading with her to let me stay there, to let me prove to her that I was worth waiting for. She wouldn't hear it. I didn't understand what the hell had happened. There were no problems in our relationship. The sex was great, we had always had a great connection (sure, the past month had been a little stressful, but it was so busy!), and we loved each other. How could she just throw that away? She told me she loved me and that what she was doing was a sacrifice - that I really needed to find happiness with myself and I couldn't do that while with another. I had a hard time with that, but I could see it was hard for her to make the decision she did. I called my mother in hysterics and told her I needed to come home, a week and a half after we had just left being with my parents.

The Visit

Now is where I began to notice things beginning to feel a little different. During the three weeks that my girlfriend and I were apart in December, she had been less eager to contact me than she had been in the past. We had been apart for weeks, even months before, and we always made the time to Skype to stay in touch and stare at each other and just share our daily experiences. This time though, it just didn't seem to work out the same way. I worked a lot, but the time difference was still such that by the time I had to go to bed, her day should have just been starting. She seemed to have plans whenever I tried to set up a time to talk. I tried not to let it bother me, since I know she was out having fun with our friends there, and I wanted her to have fun. The days before I left had been a little stressful just trying to get everything done before I traveled. I did feel kind of bad though as I went to work almost every day as she spent money from our joint bank account on going out. We didn't have much to begin with, the holidays had just passed, and we were about to have almost two weeks of recreation in the states to pay for!

Anyway, she arrived on the east coast after a few consecutive plane rides on the night of December 26. I knew she was exhausted, but she still didn't seem overly excited to see me. Her luggage didn't arrive, and that added to her frustration. I took her to the house I grew up in. She met my parents. During her stay we did have to stay in separate rooms - my parents are a bit old fashioned that way. Needless to say we didn't get much alone time.

During the week, she met my extended family too - everybody loved her. And let me just say here, if you've read my earlier posts, you know I am from the east coast and I moved west with my last significant ex. Therefore I have never had to "bring anyone home" before, and taking the chance with my girlfriend was a huge decision, but an easy one because I was sure she was the one for me. The trip as a whole went well. I took her to Rockefeller Center to go ice skating, something she had never done before. We spent New Year's Eve in Boston, with some of her friends. We went out to bars near where I grew up, and put in a lot of family time as well. When the visit was over, we returned to LA, hung out with our friends there for a couple of days and then boarded a plane to go back to her country. I was very excited. The holidays were over, her meeting my family went well, and I was pumped to get back to our life abroad. We were to move into an apartment with her sister and wouldn't be under her parents' roof anymore. There was a lot to look forward to. I was determined to work hard for the next six months that remained of my visa and get two or three jobs if that's what it took. I wanted us to be able to go out for dinner whenever we wanted and not have to worry about not having the money to pay our cell phone bills. Our plane touched down on January 10th, 2010.

The Relationship

The two weeks waiting for my girlfriend to arrive were the longest of my life. When she finally did, everything was great, again. She lived with me in my apartment, and our relationship was not a secret to anyone anymore. It was understood while she was there that I would be supporting her, which I was more than happy to do. Her band wasn't making much money at that point, and her independent gigs were few. I liked taking care of her. We hung out with our friends, we spent went on dates with each other. It was romance at its best. I took a flight to meet her for part of her band's tour. I had a blast and couldn't believe that the love of my life also turned out to be such a talented musician; music was so much of a passion of mine as well. I loved to watch her fans and how they worshipped her. I was constantly amazed at how she could control a crowd.

The last night we were at the music festival, however, she got very drunk. She was a mess. I took care of her despite her being less than nice to me about it. After she passed out, I put her into pajamas and got her tucked in. I organized and packed all of her things to be in order for her flight back to LA the next morning, and set her alarm. Upon waking she remembered nothing about how she had treated me the night before. She was mortified when she found out, and it didn't take me long to forgive her. She promised it would never happen again.

We returned to LA and things progressed without any problems. She had not known how long she would be able to stay in the country, and it turned out her band would be doing some recording and therefore her stay would be extended an extra month! She was around for my birthday in April 2009 and I was elated. I had to work that night, but she went there before me and decorated it with green balloons (my favorite color) and invited all of my friends to come by. It was such a good night.

The remainder of that month was awesome as well. Our connection only seemed to intensify. We talked about getting engaged and having kids and the future. I had never thought about those particular topics as seriously as I did with her. It just seemed so right and so perfect. I wanted everything as much as she did. I was done. I wanted to grow old with her, and she with me. She left to go back to her country at the end of April. My plan was to follow her there by mid June.

The month and a half that followed was full of planning and tying up loose ends, which never seemed to stop. I found a subletter for my apartment, I signed my car over to a friend, I got an international driving permit, I cancelled my car and renter's insurance. I applied for a visa. I booked my flight. I organized my life and readied my apartment to be inhabited by others. It was so much, but by the time of my departure, I was ready. I had a year visa to go and be with my girlfriend, and I couldn't wait to experience the next part of my life with her in the place she grew up. My best friends brought me to the airport. We cried and said goodbyes. I flew the many hours to my love.

I arrived in her beautiful country and couldn't believe I would be spending the next year of my life there. I was in heaven. We were finally together for good. "No more being apart", we agreed. The plan was to live with her parents, but we had the entire bottom floor of their house to ourselves. It was perfect and we paid no rent. Her family was very loving and accepting of me, and I felt fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people in my life. She was my best friend. We continued to plan for our future together. Nothing seemed impossible.

We lived simply for the first couple of months, from her small income and my savings, and then I got a bartending job. It was the worst bar ever - old, and smelly, and dirty, but the money was decent and I wanted to do my part to help us. She had been doing the majority of supporting us, but as I had done that in the states, I didn't think she would mind for a bit. I was originally promised a few shifts a week, but was actually only given one or two at the most. She began working more, taking solo music gigs to help us live. Her band was supposed to start doing well soon as they had started getting radio play, and she had told me we shouldn't worry because things would be better soon. We became a little stressed about money from time to time. After all, living humbly can make life less stimulating but we got by and were still able to go out and have fun. We opened a joint bank account and shared everything. I did the majority of controlling our funds as I had more experience with saving. It was a welcome responsibility since she was the major earner - I also assumed the role of the "housewife", doing our laundry and keeping us organized.

October 2009 came around. As mentioned in an earlier post, I love Halloween. Her country doesn't celebrate it however. She told me we could watch a scary movie (which she hated) and that we could go out later and watch more at her cousin's place. During the afternoon she had a band meeting up in the city, so her sister would bring me to their cousin's to wait for her there. I was bummed that she had to do work stuff on Halloween, but understanding as well. I went with her sister to their cousin's house that evening. We knocked and entered, and I could not believe my eyes - my girlfriend had planned a huge surprise Halloween party for me, complete with decorations and everyone I knew there dressed in costumes. She had even gotten one for me. It was the most incredible surprise that I had ever had. She was so good to me.

Early November marked our one year anniversary. We went out to dinner and agreed that the past year had been an incredible one. We looked forward to the ones that would follow. Her birthday came a couple of weeks later. As we still did not have much money, I got her a book. She wanted me to design her a tattoo, which I said I was happy to do. I put it off for a bit as between going with her to her work and me going to mine, I felt as if I didn't have much time. The moments we did have with nothing to do, I wanted to cuddle with her and watch TV, or we would go out. I had plans to complete the tattoo for Christmas.

In early December, I had booked a flight to return to the states for the holidays. She was supposed to come with me, but plans changed as her grandparents were going to be visiting and she hadn't seen them in years. She changed her flight to make sure she would get to me by the day after Christmas, and she would spend the holiday with hers. So I returned to LA, and then the east coast. I booked a bunch of work to make money so we could have a great time when she came to visit. I think I only had maybe three days off in total before the holiday. She was going to meet my family for the first time, and there were many places I wanted to take her. I just wanted the experience to be perfect, and I was so looking forward to having her with me where I grew up. The time couldn't have passed fast enough for me. Christmas came, and the next day she was to arrive.

Getting Together

Still in September 2008 now. "New girl's" friend is single. So am I. We began to text a little and I invited her out with my friends and I as she was interested in joining us in our expeditions of the social scene. We had tons of fun together, and my friends loved her. They became her good friends too. She and I had begun to get a little more flirty with each other as it became obvious that the attraction was mutual. October 2008 comes around. One night we were playing pool and she was behind me. She boldly made a move and kissed the back of my neck. I turned right around and kissed her. It was on, and it was great. We knew we had to keep it quiet because "New girl" was her friend and she was staying with her. Plus, her five year ex was locally based, and it just wouldn't look good. The lesbian community is small everywhere people. We felt an intimate connection, but didn't end up sleeping together until some weeks later, a sign that I found perfect. Our intimacy evolved slowly and organically, like anything you feel is worth something should.

"New girl" had decided by now that she thought I was still OK to associate with every now and then, especially since her friend had now begun hanging out with me and my little group. She became suggestive and I felt as if she wanted another round with me. I politely rejected the advances, but would tell her and her friend to come hang out whenever I was out. One night they came out to a club to meet me. As the night was ending I whispered to her friend that she should find a way to come back to my place. She made it happen, despite pissing off "New girl" and lying to her about what she was doing. She decided she didn't want to report to "New girl" anymore. She gets her stuff into her car and starts staying with me, but not every night. We still had to make it look like she was living somewhere else, which she was adamant about. She temporarily moved all of her stuff in with another friend. But she began staying with me a few nights a week, and we began an intimate relationship.

Despite the fact it was obvious I was falling for this girl, I had my reservations. I still felt like I shouldn't jump into anything, especially with a musician. I didn't know for sure what her intentions were with me, as she had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I did not want to be a rebound. I did enjoy her very much though and thought about her all of the time. We had a lot in common.

I had also started casually seeing another girl while going out a lot in September. I had only had a few dates with this girl as she lived about 45 minutes away, but she was cool and I had been intimate with her as well. But the more I saw my musician girl, the more I knew I wanted her to be mine. I had organized a Halloween party at my place, and both of my interests were planning on coming to it. I hated the predicament but had invited the other girl before I had thought I had a chance with my musician. The other girl was planning on staying over so she wouldn't have to drive the distance back to her home. My musician was planning on staying too as she had been living with me a bit, but knew the other girl was coming and that I was more into her anyway. She was a good sport about it. The other girl ended up staying in my room with me. I hooked up with her out of obligation (I know how that sounds), but my heart was in the other room, on the couch with my musician. I told her so before I went to bed. It didn't change a thing as all was understood and our feelings for each other were strong. I broke everything off with the other girl right after that party. Now my full attentions were on my musician.

She understood and put up with my aversions to getting into a relationship. However she also made me aware that she liked me very much, and was not afraid to fall in love, even if I didn't feel the same way. That threw me for a loop. She was amazing, and patient, and caring. I knew I loved her as much as she loved me. She told me so for the first time in early November 2008. I told her the same back. The actual date was later to become what we would call our anniversary. We loved hard and we loved deeply. We spent as much time together as possible. We had another hurdle that we knew we had to face however - we were both going to be leaving LA. As I mentioned earlier, I had a flight booked back east for a month so I could spend the holidays with my family. She had a tour with her band planned for the middle of November, and by the time she returned, I would be gone. In addition to that, before I was due to come back, she would be leaving again, for an undisclosed amount of time - to the other side of the world. I should have mentioned this before, but she's from another country. The band's label decided they should release their album there.

The last day she was in town, she had a show that night. It was also her birthday. I got her a cake and organized a surprise dinner for the only hour she had free that day between rehearsals and her show. At the after-party that night, we said our goodbyes. No expectations were allowed, as we both knew the distance would make things very difficult. The experience of being with each other, even for that short amount of time, had a huge impact on both of us, and we knew it. Nothing would change the plans though.

She left for tour. I knew I had to see her again. I got my best friend to agree to drive halfway across the US with me to surprise her at a show. The trip took 21 hours straight, with us sleeping for three hours and then switching. Definitely the farthest I had ever traveled for a love interest. We made it to the bar the band was to play at, before her arrival at the venue. She was obviously very surprised to see us, and I know she was happy. I felt at the time though that even if I was making a mistake by showing up there, it would have been worth it just to see her face again. I got to make love to her one more time that night, and it was wonderful. Saying goodbye and driving back to LA the next day was tough, but I was happy about my decision to go and see her. I left for the east coast about a week and a half later. She came back to LA and then left the states for her country.

We stayed in touch. The time distance was significant, but we made it work. We Skyped. Being able to see her face on a computer screen was amazing, but a torture as well as I couldn't touch it. We talked as much as we could and hung up looking forward to the next exchange. The more time we spent apart, the more we missed each other and realized we didn't want to be with any other person. We spoke in agreement of that and made it official. We each thrived with the other. I now had a girlfriend I was completely and totally in love with, on the other side of the planet. One day over Skype that December she asked me out of the blue, "Would you move here for a bit?". I took a moment and then said yes. It came out naturally and without second thoughts. I would, and I could. She had realized that it was likely the band would be out of the states for awhile, and she wanted me with her. I wanted to be with her and saw longevity in our future. I didn't mention this to anyone for the time being. I returned to LA for the dawning of 2009.

In January she and I continued to Skype, and to love, and to plan. I thought it would be good to see the country she is from first before I relocated, so I booked a plane ticket there for the beginning of February, for 16 days total, including Valentine's Day. From the day I booked the plane ticket, I began to draw a portrait of her. She inspired me. I can be a pretty good artist when I sit down and work on a project, and the portrait was the first piece I had been inspired to do in years. I finished it in two weeks and in time for my trip.

She got me at the airport and we picked up exactly where we had left off. By the time I got there we had been apart for about three months. Our love had only grown during that time. I instantly liked where she is from and felt right at home there. I knew I could make the move and be with her. She really showed me an amazing time and planned so many things to make it the most incredible trip of my life. On Valentine's Day we exchanged gifts, and it was art for art. I gave her the portrait, which came out great, and she had written a song for me, which she played; it was beautiful. As a rule, she never writes down lyrics for her music, and she took the time out of our romantic breakfast that morning to do so for me, so I had my song. It was a surreal day and trip in general; I never wanted it to end. A couple days later I flew back to LA. She was to follow in a couple of weeks with her band to play a music festival. Everything was working out, and so doable! The future was becoming clear. We commented that we were each other's soulmates. We were solid.

Prelude to Getting Together with My Ex

The relationship with my ex lasted about a year and two months. I know in reality that isn't a very long time. This one seemed different from all of my others though. She had agreed it was the same for her as well. It was a very passionate relationship, with an incredible connection that still exists in some degree today. Yes, we moved a bit fast with everything, but it felt so undeniably right that neither of us cared. We faced numerous blockades that should have prevented us from getting together in the first place. It all eventually worked itself out and we were blissfully in love. Before I get too detailed about us, let me describe where I was before we got together.

In November of 2007, I had my heart broken hard for the first time. I had been with a girl for 4 years and had planned to be with her forever. We had moved from the east coast the the west coast together and had planned to start a new life there. It is rough of course to relocate somewhere without a job or apartment or anything. I had one friend that I knew in LA that let us crash at her house for a week until we found a place of our own. We found a place and did the best we could to coexist for two and a half years in LA together, but our relationship had been less than perfect for awhile and we knew it. I tend to be optimistic though and thought that things would get better eventually. I worked at a lesbian bar and helped make us a nice little group of friends. Eventually my girlfriend at the time ended up falling for a coworker's girlfriend and she left me for her. They are still together to this day, but I am fine with that now. At the time though, I was devastated. All of my past relationships had been ended on my terms. I tried to function but was very lonely. By December of 2007, I had gotten hit on by a confident girl who was 8 years my junior. The attention was great, and since I hadn't had much sex in the last two years of my long term relationship, the sudden influx was welcomed and indulged in. My new little fling was very into me and I liked that.

As the weeks and then months passed however, I realized that this younger girl was intent on making me her girlfriend and loved me very much. I had stated from the beginning that I was pretty much emotionally unavailable, but she was persistent, and I was horny. I got used to having her around. She loved coming to my apartment and doing nice things for me because she still lived with her parents and needed the escape. After much badgering from her, I began to refer to her as my girlfriend to my friends, who of course thought I was crazy, but understood my position. For a while there I even thought I might love her. By the middle of the summer of 2008 however, I became more and more aware that my situation was not healthy and I had never taken the time to get over my ex. I was terrified of being alone though.

A girl my age came into the bar I worked at one day and showed some interest in me. She had a stable job and an apartment of her own, and these became enticing and made more sense for me to want than my young, needy fling. It had been a rebound that had lasted 8 months way too long I decided. So I told my young one that I could no longer be with her, and I took up with the new girl. "New girl" was pretty new in every way though. She had only been with one other woman and was not very experienced. As much as I liked her as a person, I was not as attracted to her as I originally thought. She and I had decided that it could be a casual hookup thing because I didn't want a relationship at the moment anyway. We dated for a few weeks and hung out a lot. It was through her that I met my ex. This is where things get interesting.

So "New girl" had been telling me about her best friend, who was in a band. She really wanted me to meet her and for her to meet me, I am sure for the purpose of getting approval. Now let me just say that if you know anything about LA, you know that just about every person in the city is in a band or has a friend in a band (or actor, whatever), so I wasn't really expecting much. Musicians are cool though, I have quite a few that I can call friends. Anyway, so "New girl" and I make plans to meet at a bar one night, where I am to meet her and her best friend. I walk in and see them at a table. I can actually remember having the horrible thought "Wow, it's too bad that I am hooking up with "New girl", because her friend is really hot". I got a drink and joined them. The connection was instantaneous. I immediately liked her friend as a person. She had a very outgoing personality, and I was able to play off of it without a problem. We talked about everything, and had to remember to ask "New girl" her opinion every now and then because the two of us dominated the conversation so much. I had a great night with them.

"New girl" had mentioned to me that her friend had a long term girlfriend of about 5 years. That was a disappointment but also a relief, because it has never been in my character to go after a girl with a girlfriend. Every time I made plans to hang out with "New girl" after that first night, I had hoped her friend would be there too. A lot of times she was, and we enjoyed each other's company more and more. There was even a night when "New girl" told her friend to meet me at a bar for an hour before she would be able to get there. We enjoyed that hour very much, and I was just about to reveal that I had hoped "New girl" knew that I was only interested in a casual hookup and not a relationship, when "New girl" walked up and ruined that plan. A short time after that, I went to with "New girl" to see her friend's band. I was blown away. Her friend was not only the lead singer, but also played guitar. Now I didn't really care what she did for a living, but after seeing her stage presence and all that at the show, it made the attraction even more intense. Her band had a decent following too, and the music was great. I learned the band was signed to a major label. It was around the middle of August 2008 at this point.

Somehow I allowed myself to be persuaded by my young fling of earlier to give it another try with her around this time. Once again, I let a need for sex persuade my better judgement. I went back to my young fling and told "New girl" that was the case. Of course "New girl" thought I was a douchebag for this, and looking back, yes, I was. But I must remind you that I still had never taken the time to properly process anything and so of course was acting a bit erratic and irresponsibly. I saw no more of "New girl" and her friend for a couple of weeks. I eventually came to my senses and broke it off completely with my young fling, and also decided I wanted and needed to be single.

During September of 2008, a couple of my best friends were also newly single at the time, and we lived it up like good friends do in that kind of situation. We laughed a lot, we went out a lot. I had occasional hookups and my first real one night stand. I felt really free for the first time in forever and had a lot of fun. I moved around the furniture in my apartment. I tried to look at life with a new clear view. I got a random email from the best friend of "New girl", saying that although "New girl" and I were no longer hooking up, it didn't mean that she and I couldn't be friends. That was cool of her. At the end of the month, I regressed a little and got hit by a wave of loneliness. The time of year was approaching that I got dumped the year before and it depressed me. I called my mom one day crying. She suggested I come home back east for the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I hadn't been home for Thanksgiving since I moved to LA, and I knew the familiarity of being back there would be good for me. I agreed and booked the trip. A short while later I got a text from the best friend of "New girl" letting me know that her five year relationship had ended and she was staying on "New girl's" couch.

A Necessary Blog

Hello Ladies.

First of all, let me begin by saying that I am not a real doctor. I am a real lesbian though, and I have been going though hell for the past month. My reason for starting this blog is simple - after my girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, I felt very lost, depressed, and well, if you have gone through it or are currently going through it, you can relate and add all of the adjectives you want. I became desperate for information and advice and turned to the internet to search for lesbian break up stories and counsel that I could relate to and use. I was astonished not only at the lack of resources, but how generic most of them were. I already know what I am feeling, I don't need someone to describe that to me or gives me tips on surviving. I wanted to hear stories of other women going through the same thing and how they are getting through. Even searching for information on how to get your ex back and all that was frustrating - most writers were blindly placing blame on the demise of the relationship through things like bed death, fighting, cheating, etc. My situation was unique to all of this in my mind, and these "5 easy steps" or "ask her to coffee" scenarios were just not ringing true to me. I also had no interest in buying a book or downloading a guide to help me get her back (though I would love for that to happen). I was disgusted by how a tough time for me was potentially a business opportunity for others. Where was the honest advice? You can be assured that I will not be selling you advice here.

It is my goal with this blog to share my story and progress with you. All of my friends and family have told me that things get better with time and all that, but I really am looking forward to chronicling this journey here and having people on it with me. I know where I am starting right now, and I want a record of the progress so I can see how far I have come down the road. If you found this blog, you probably searched information on lesbian break ups too. Let's figure this stuff out together. I want people to comment and feel like they have a place to vent or just to relate what's going on with their lives. I am not a "break up guru" here, but I have always enjoyed other people and their stories. I will reply to every comment. As far as my own story, I will be telling it without naming names and trying to keep emotion out of it unless necessary to describe myself. I still do consider my ex to be a wonderful woman, no matter how hurt I am, and this is not intended to be a bashing session. I want to understand a break up as much as anyone else, and come through it alright on the other side. In my next entry, I will tell you my story.