Now What?

So I am back on the east coast, less than two weeks after my ex had just met my entire family. I couldn't go back to LA because I had my life figured out to be in another country until July. I didn't have my apartment (it is contractually sublet through June), I didn't have a job (the bar I worked at closed while I was away), I didn't have any money (since my ex had done the majority of the earning, I could no longer rely on our joint bank account) I didn't have a car (signed it over to my friend, and no money means I can't afford it anyway). I also didn't have my girlfriend, who, as in many lesbian relationships, was also my best friend. I felt super alone and worthless. I felt I had nothing.

Like I mentioned though in my last post, my family has been amazing, so much better than I could have expected, so the plan became for me to stay in their house until I could regroup and return to LA. They tried to convince me to stay around for as long as I needed to, but I have always had a fear of becoming stuck around where I grew up. Plus, if my ex really broke up with me because she felt I needed to go on my own journey and find my true passion or path or whatever, I knew I would never really accomplish that by living at my parents' place. It has been nice not to have many expenses though for the time being.

So what have I been doing to get myself on track here? Well I tried to sit with myself and really think about what I wanted and needed to do. As much as I kept dwelling on my ex and what I thought I needed to do to prove myself to her, I knew that regardless, every decision I made now had to be made independently from wanting to please her. Now was the time I had to focus on myself. It was (and still is) a very scary thing. I had always gotten by and all that, but I really was sick of not having much money, and not loving what I did for jobs. Yes, bartending was fun but it is not what I wanted to do forever.

So what the hell did I want to do? I already have a college degree in art and theatre, and I scoured craigslist all the time for listings that appealed to me. I found myself looking at many ads for graphic designers. Graphic design had always been something I dabbled in, but I only knew the basics of the programs that I would be required to work in. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became I needed to go back to school. I won't give away my exact age, but let's say I am pushing 30 and the thought of going back to school at this point was extremely daunting. In addition, I am still paying off loans from my undergraduate degree. I spoke with my parents about it, and they were beyond elated at my wanting to continue my education. With their help, I took out another loan, researched some graphic design programs, and made a commitment to attend a university in LA, starting at the end of March. That's right, the end of March. I now had something to look forward to.