Getting Through(?)

Today I just wanted to share the kinds of activities that have helped me so far. The advice I have gotten from people since Day 1 of my breakup is "surround yourself by those that love you and stay busy!" Very generic advice, and yes, true, it is what is needed. It has been a struggle. The last thing I wanted for awhile was to be around anyone except my ex, and that wasn't possible. I wanted to be alone. I know that isolation isn't the best thing for depression, but that's what I wanted. My family and friends let me alone for a couple of days, and then were patient with me as I made baby steps back into the world of the living.

My dad got me outside to go for walks. Even though I hate the cold and it's winter now, it was good to get my muscles moving and feel the harshness of the elements. It let me be aware of something other than emotional pain. I was able to appreciate a sunset. We would talk and the interaction would help. It would distract me from being in my head with thoughts of missing my ex, wondering what she was doing, wondering if she was thinking of me, wondering if she and "F" were really having a love affair, etc. Again, nothing I could control, nothing I should be dwelling on. I recognized the importance of getting out and doing things, if only to quiet my brain a bit. I could never totally stop the thoughts of her, but if I was preoccupied, they occurred less frequently. My brother would take me out to the bar when he went with his friends and stuff, and that helped too. I am trying not to numb myself frequently with drinking and stuff though, I know that could become problematic.

My best friend from high school turned out to be a great support. We are very different people. She is straight and we have never really been the type to call each other for hours and discuss our lives, but she has remained consistent over the years as someone I knew I would stay in touch with and talk to if I needed it. Anyway, when she heard I was back in town, she made a point to devote her two days off a week to spending time with me and getting me out of the house. The first time she came by she actually presented me with a list of things from which I could pick to do. It was very sweet, unexpected, and thoughtful. The list contained activities such as bowling, going to an art gallery, seeing a movie, and going for a massage. We actually were able to do most of those things over the past few weeks, and it definitely helped.

One of my personal favorites was going to the massage place. I had decided that instead of getting a massage, I wanted to try reiki. For any of you that are not aware of what that is, it's sort of an energy healing session where the reiki master lays hand on you and focuses her or his energy on aligning your chakras, which are the supposed seven centers of spiritual power in the human body. It is said that if any of your chakras are out of whack, that you may not be open to the universe and receiving proper energy and whatnot for your life and life's decisions. Reiki is also supposed to help in reducing stress, and I was definitely feeling tons of that, so I thought it couldn't hurt. Another thing I read about it beforehand was that you didn't have to believe in it for it to work. Great. I went for two sessions total so far, and whether it really does anything for me or not, I can say with certainty that I left each session feeling heaps better than when I went in. I don't want to continue being depressed. I want to strive towards positivity. C'mon little chakras! Didn't hurt to try. At 80 bucks a session though I am going to try other things as well now.

There are still days where I just am not in the mood for other people. These are days that I try to devote to what I need to do next. I will sit on this computer and scour craigslist for jobs that I may be interested in doing when I return to LA in a couple of weeks. Since I have committed to a graphic design program for school, I should start building a portfolio. It is going to be hard to get hired without experience, but you never know who will take a chance on you if you are honest. And let's face it, many employers on craigslist are looking to pay so little for services, that maybe my student status will be beneficial since I can't charge much without having the experience in the first place. I had a few people express interest, I did some trial mock ups, and I haven't heard from any of them since. I will keep trying.

Another thing I have been trying to do is learn. Everything I can. Since I have spent the last however many years in and out of relationships, I haven't had much time for myself. So I am reading books, I am trying to do online tutorials for graphic design programs, I try to teach myself a new word everyday; I am trying to stay busy but also better myself. Reading has been wonderful. I forgot how much I used to enjoy it; it was one of the first things that I discarded when I was so "busy" with work and girlfriends and going out. I hope to continue to always have a book in progress now. They take me somewhere else, I learn about the characters, and lately, especially with the one I am reading now, I can see parallels of my own life in the fictional lives of some of these characters. I am getting different perspectives without even asking for them, and they are very valuable.

The final thing I have been doing with my time is writing this blog. I honestly didn't know what to expect when I started it. I was not sure if it would ever be read by another set of eyes than mine. I still have no idea how many people actually take the time to read what I have to say here. I do know that at least a few people do, and have taken their time and effort to say so. It has made me think that you really never know what people may be going through. You can pass a crowd in the street and some member of that crowd could be dealing with pain of unknown proportions to you. I don't know my readers, but I know they exist, and I know, through their comments, that they have experienced pain like mine. I know I am not alone, and that may be the one thing that has helped me the most so far. Thank you ladies, from my heart.