Letting Go

My focus lately had been on trying to stay healthy, in body and in mind. I am not dwelling on things I can't change. I am working on changing things about myself that I don't like. It is in my nature to be a bit stubborn, and perhaps take things a little far sometimes. The result is always the same; I end up feeling like crap and possibly hurting other people in the process. In my break up experience, I have begun to feel uneasy about being so affected by rumors. The bottom line here is that I am on the other side of the world and will never know what is going on for sure, unless I actually ask the people directly involved. And honestly, I don't think I should let it bother me so much, whatever the case is.

I want to be happy - the only way I will achieve this is to let go of the ideas and thoughts that are preventing me from moving forward. I really really do want my ex to be happy too, in every way humanly possible. I have been selfish by hoping too much that my ex will realize she has made a huge mistake by letting me go and want me back. But then I have to think about that scenario seriously. If she did all of a sudden confess that, what would I do? The answer can be none other than this - nothing. Going back to her would not change what I am still unhappy about within myself. I still need to go to school and get my career on track here. I want to be whole and able to bring something I am proud of to my next relationship, no matter who is it with.

Another part of letting go for me is giving "F" the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe I have been too harsh in jumping to conclusions. Do I really believe that she is as devious as I have made her out to be? I don't think so. I like to believe that people are inherently good. Hearing rumors has obviously affected my judgement, but my sources are speculating and there are no concrete facts to review. "F" has been very nice to me in the past, and maybe her reaching out to me via chat a couple of weeks ago was genuine. And maybe she does have a crush on my ex. So what? If she is helping my ex by providing good company and support, then I really owe her a big thank you. And if she is helping her by being with her, I have no right to knock that either. My main concern, again, is my ex's happiness. I have to remind myself that I can't let my emotions get in the way of wishing that for her. I am sure she is still having to struggle with her own emotions and thoughts from time to time. I want her to thrive, no matter what it takes. I really hope she knows that. It saddens me that my actions may have cast doubt on that, and something I do struggle with is not being in touch and able to tell her. I hope someday I have that opportunity again.