The Breakup

Ugh. This part is still hard for me to talk about. So we get to our new apartment on the other side of the world, which she and her sister had moved our stuff into before she came out to see me. It was all set up and SO nice. It was perfect in every way and I couldn't believe it. It was close to everything in town and a short walk to the beach. It was summer there so the weather was perfect and I couldn't wait to get settled. I unpacked my suitcases and took in my surroundings. We went to the bar with some mutual friends that day. It was good to be back.

The next couple of days were highlighted by getting up early in the mornings and going for a walk down by the beach. My girlfriend would go for a run first and then I would do my thing, as I like to take my time. We did some errands later in the day and continued to get the place set up. By day three I was ready to go looking for jobs. The bar I had worked at before the holidays had changed ownership and didn't need me anymore, so I printed up some resumes and began the hunt again. On day four my girlfriend came with me to a bar to drop a resume, and then she headed back to the apartment while I decided to go down the street to see if an art gallery and theatre were hiring at all. Neither place was. The lady I spoke to at the theatre however, was mean to me and wouldn't give me the time of day or courtesy to hear me out. Now I have done plenty of theatre work in my day and had experience in many different areas. This woman wouldn't even let me speak to anyone else about working in another department. It bummed me out. I returned to the apartment.

My girlfriend asked me how it went, and I broke down. The theatre woman had upset me a lot, and that experience had highlighted the bigger issue of how the only jobs I was qualified to do, I didn't want to do anymore. I have been bartending for years, and it has been great, but I know it is not what I wanted to do forever. My girlfriend knew that too. I have a BA from a university and everything, I just never found a job field I was really passionate about. My girlfriend had continuously told me that she wanted to provide for me when the band hit, so I guess I was sort of counting on that, and hoping I could figure out my career down the line. Anyway, I had a little cry to her, and then went into the bedroom.

She came in a few minutes later, to comfort me no doubt. Boy, was I wrong. She broke down and told me that she hated seeing me upset about my life, and that she felt as if I was living too much in her shadow and big personality. I was dumbfounded. I did admit that, yes, of course I was living through her a bit, but that was because I picked up and changed around my entire life to move across the world for her. I did my part and was planning on working a lot as soon as i got a job or two. I said I was putting my career on hold while hers was taking off. She replied to that by saying, "What career?" The worst part of that was I didn't have a clear answer. She said she felt as if she was holding me back, and that I couldn't ever find myself while I was getting all of my happiness from the relationship. She said she was sick of hearing about what I wanted to do in the future and said instead of talking about doing things, I should actually DO them. Like her tattoo that I never completed (because I was working, mind you).

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where it was coming from. She said she was frightened that I didn't have a plan outside of her and her success. Which I can understand - it must have been scary for her to think that two people's happiness depended on her succeeding. And if she didn't succeed, what would we have to fall back on? I get that. She said she had a clear path with goals in her life, and she deserved to be with somebody who had that kind of passion too. That hurt because she knows I have passion and talent, and she always told me she saw it. I couldn't understand why it was now a huge deal to wait for me to display it. So naturally, through tears, I told her I would fix things. I loved her and would do anything for her. But that was the problem, she said. I needed to go on my own journey, alone, to find what propelled me inside. She said I couldn't do that while being with her, because then she couldn't trust that I was doing it for me, and not the relationship.

I could not believe what I was hearing. So what started out as a weak moment of job insecurity for me turned into a tear-jerking honesty session turned into my girlfriend wanting to break up with me? What? I just got back here! I thought your partner is supposed to support you if you are having a rough time! Why was she trying to throw me away? Nothing made sense. So I asked her if she was actually breaking up with me. She was. Now keep in mind I am on the other side of the world, my only support system being mutual friends and her family. Not good. I was a crying mess and didn't know what to do. She told me I couldn't be with her while I was "on my journey". So did she really mean I needed to fly back to LA?? After not even being back there for a week?? I told her I needed to think about what she had said.

The next couple of days were a blur. I remember begging and pleading with her to let me stay there, to let me prove to her that I was worth waiting for. She wouldn't hear it. I didn't understand what the hell had happened. There were no problems in our relationship. The sex was great, we had always had a great connection (sure, the past month had been a little stressful, but it was so busy!), and we loved each other. How could she just throw that away? She told me she loved me and that what she was doing was a sacrifice - that I really needed to find happiness with myself and I couldn't do that while with another. I had a hard time with that, but I could see it was hard for her to make the decision she did. I called my mother in hysterics and told her I needed to come home, a week and a half after we had just left being with my parents.