PASN Part 2

It has happened. I have been officially de-friended on Facebook, by both my ex and "F". So has one of my sources. I take this to mean that shit must have hit the fan over there, and the truth has come out about what I know. I take it also that my postings of late haven't helped in this situation, and that was the consequence. Once again people, I have given you examples of what not to do when you are hurting.

I was initially pretty bummed when I learned that this has happened. I can also own my part of why it happened though. The hurt and resulting stubbornness that I have felt has caused me to act in ways which would normally be uncharacteristic of me. I feel no hate, I feel no anger. I am disappointed in myself for giving in to writing posts that I hoped got read and analyzed in order to cause guilt. I realize after sitting with that thought that it is not up to me to cause such guilt. I realize that doing so makes me look weak, unstable, and probably pretty unattractive. I understand why my ex is going to the lengths she is going to and severing communications with me. I guess I am making it pretty obvious that I am still not OK. She is a very intelligent woman and can see that I am not only passively aggressively tormenting her and her possible new interest, but torturing myself as well by letting it consume me. It was silly of me to think my posts would go unnoticed.

So perhaps a favor has been done for me here. I no longer have the leisure of checking in on them as I please. I will no longer be wasting my time doing that. Of course I still wish that my ex would put in the effort to address me directly about my actions and her feelings. She knows she has put me through a lot, and I would hope she eventually would feel as if she owed me, if only based on the care and love for me I know existed, a truthful conversation about the situation at hand. Until that happens though, I will still hold onto a belief I have in her. I will support her decisions and trust that she is making them to preserve her emotions, and with an interest in mine too. I will love her through this and continuously hope for her happiness, and that eventually my own understanding of things will manifest as it should.

A way I am able to still feel this way is by trying really hard to put myself in her shoes. So let's say she and "F" do have a thing going on. They have been hiding it publicly and are probably getting sick of that. If I were my ex and found out that she knew what I was doing, I would know it would be pointless to hide things anymore, but also wouldn't want to throw it in her face on a social networking site. I would probably cut her off from seeing my activity too. And let's take the other scenario. Maybe there is nothing going on. Still, if my ex thinks I am obsessing about the possibility, it would make sense to cut me off in that case as well. If it's not true and just an innocent friendship then she wouldn't want to know my suspicions and lack of trust; and it would be annoying to know they were being talked about. So fine, another method of communication has been cut. A possible silver lining? - That she can't see what I am up to either. With time she may be interested and curious about my life, and miss me. In a healthy way.