To Be or Not to Be (vulnerable)

Yesterday I get another email from my ex. Most of it was business stuff regarding an item she was supposed to send me, but then couldn't because of money issues. She seemed to feel pretty bad about it and said she really wanted to be able to do this favor for me and that she felt she let me down (which she did, but I wasn't holding my breath). However, she also added in there that she was really struggling with me being gone at the moment, and that she "missed me so much". So much for "going quiet from here on in". Obviously I miss her too, so much. I miss sleeping next to her more than anything in the world. But I thought she had made it clear that we were not supposed to be saying those kinds of things to each other anymore. She clearly still feels for me though, and I feel for her too. I debated on how to respond to this.

What to do? I know that if I ignored those comments, my response would seem cold and mechanical. I know she would hate that because she had an ex that would send those kinds of emails to her during their breakup and it hurt her a lot. She had told me in the past that she would not want to have to edit how she is feeling towards me; if she wants to say she misses or loves me, she should be able to. She knows I will read it and think about it, and she knows I like to hear it. This also makes it seem implausible that she is having a serious relationship with "F", if she really is missing me so much. Maybe she is thinking she made a mistake? I wish. Regardless, there is no turning back now, we are on opposite sides of the world. Knowing that, why put myself through more emotional strain by being nice? Because I still do love her, that's why. And there is still a piece of me that would love to reconnect in the future, so my actions and reactions need to be considered and well planned out. I don't want to push her away.

I ended up writing her back that I was sorry she was struggling at the moment, and that I would hug her if I could. I told her to surround herself with people that bring out that smile of hers. I admitted that I missed her too, and that I was sure she knew that and could feel it from where she was. And that was pretty much it. I don't think I overdid it, yet I don't think I will get a response, and that's OK. The purpose was to let her know that I am still thinking about her too. She can sit with that for now. I didn't want to appear bitter, or weak, and also not too overeager to hear her words. It does make me a bit vulnerable and put the ball back into her court. I think my response was alright. We will see what happens.