Another Restless Night and Day

I went to bed last night around 1:30am. My eyes flew open just before 3am. I wasn't exactly sure what woke me. What it seemed to be was a noise, but had I really heard it? The only way I can think to describe it is like a guttural moan or cry, but I couldn't figure out what it could have come from. It sounded like the combination of a tortured cat, a woman in pain, and a menacing crow. It scared me for the second I shot awake, and then the fear dissipated as I laid in the silence. What the heck was that about? I know I haven't been sleeping well, but I don't normally dream much or hallucinate either. Very strange. My mind got going about my ex again and I tossed and turned the rest of the night.

I went for a run by myself today. I know it doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but it felt like one to me as I did it without being prompted by another. I just felt like running. I ran until it hurt. Then I walked for a bit. The total distance I ran wasn't much, but it got me out of breath nonetheless. I was aware of my body. I took the cold air into my lungs and experienced some scents that reminded me of my childhood - of easier, carefree times. I came back to my house and sat on the steps until my body temperature regulated enough to enter a heated house without passing out.

I looked for jobs. I looked on Facebook. I updated my twitter. I noticed that my ex had updated hers too, for the first time since the day after she broke up with me. I guess she is reemerging. I want her to be happy, I just want her to think of me too. I willed for her to reach out to me soon. I want to move on knowing she cares about me as well. She should reemerge; and I should too. I will continue to be honest with myself as part of my process. I will continue to feel the pain as I need to. I won't seek it out, but I will feel it.

I am getting restless here. I need to get back to LA soon.