Sad Days

I woke up today and knew right away I would be having another sad day. I have been having them a lot lately to be honest. Time has definitely helped my overall condition over the past month, but there is still consistency to the depression I feel. I still don't sleep through the night. I still think of my ex before I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up. I think about what I would like to say to her, and what I would like to say to "F". My brain won't be quiet.

As we all know, Valentine's Day was this past weekend. It was a hard one because all I could think about was about how great of a time I had with my ex last year. We had been on the other side of the world. We had a nice breakfast and went to an all day music festival. It was a blast. My sources have informed me that my ex went with "F" and a couple other friends to the same festival this past weekend. Did she think of me on the day as I did of her?

I know my ex and I had agreed to not be speaking. I had told her I would let her contact me next if she wanted to talk. However, being the person that I am, it would not be in my character to let Valentine's Day pass without at least acknowledging it. It is, after all, a day about love - past, present, and future, and I wanted to recognize that. I got many opinions from people about what I should or shouldn't do or send. Knowing that my ex and "F" will most likely be each other's Valentine made it hard too. But I was still operating under the guise of ignorance, so I thought about what I would want to do if I knew nothing at all. I decided to buy the most generic card I could find. The only words it contained were "Happy Valentine's Day". Inside I kept it fairly short. I told her the day comes whether we like it or not and I wished to acknowledge it. I told her I hoped she had a good day no matter what she ended up doing. I included a picture CD from her trip to see my family as they were her memories too and she had taken some of the pictures herself. I also included an item she had left behind that I know she wanted returned. I put everything in a padded envelope and sent it. Since we are not speaking I had no way of knowing whether she got it or not.

I should mention that my ex and I did agree to correspondence if it had to do with matters we had to take care of jointly. For example, she has no credit cards and I do, so we charged a bunch of plane fares to mine, and they will need to be paid off together. My ex had emailed me the other day about another joint matter. At the end she said she missed me very much and hoped daily I was doing OK. In my reply I said I missed her too. A few weeks ago when I got back east, a couple of members of my family reached out to her over email to let her know they hoped she was OK and knew this was difficult for both of us. She had never responded to them, so I also mentioned in my email reply to her that even though time has gone by, they still wonder and care about her well-being. I told her that if she ever found the time and strength concurrently, they would love to hear from her no matter when it is. Yesterday I found a lengthy email from her in my inbox, saying she had heard what I said about my family. She had written a letter for me to forward to them, mentioning each of them by name and saying beautiful things about meeting them and how she was still going to love and protect me in every way she knew how. She also said goodbye in a way. It was an extremely hard email to read, and I am sure it was hard for her to write. It makes it more baffling to me if she in fact is already moving on with "F". She seemed so genuine in the email. She said she was going quiet from here on in. I was glad she had at least respected me enough to take the time and emotion into writing that. I cry every time I read it over. I read it again today.

Last night I sent a message to her sister letting her know about the little package I had sent. I just wanted to know that my ex had received it. I got a response this morning that she had received a notice to pick it up from the post office. I hope she does. I wonder if she will say anything to me about it.