Throughout these days, my girlfriend (well from here on in we can call her my ex) cried with me at times but tried to be strong. She laid out all of my stuff so I could pack it. She made me protein shakes because nothing solid was appetizing. She talked me through my knots. I know she felt very guilty about her decision. But I also knew she wouldn't take it back. I really felt that if this was born out of a deep love for me, then I had to accept it and trust a future that I wanted to exist for us. I know she cared. She had to. She drove me to the airport and I kept my composure. She did not. I had to trust it was all happening for a reason, but nothing was clear to me anymore.
It took two planes to get to LA, and two more to get back east to my parents. Along the way, I had hoped each one would crash. I had never had suicidal thoughts in my life before, and now I couldn't stop them from coming. The only thing that prevented me from doing anything was thinking about how it would affect the people I know. I didn't care for myself and I didn't want to go on. I don't remember much about my flights or really know how I managed to get to each appropriate gate on time. I made it to the states, and then back east. I was a prime example of emotional wreckage, but still standing.
My family was surprisingly supportive and nonjudgmental. I stayed in bed for days. I paced the house like a zombie for a week. I couldn't eat much. My mother went out and got me Boost, that liquid protein stuff for old people that can't eat solids anymore. I did alright with that. Everything else made me want to vomit. My gag reflex had gotten more sensitive. I still wasn't sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. I cried a lot. I missed my ex like crazy.
She had called me before two of my flights took off in order to check in. It was good to hear her voice. She assured me we would talk every few days when I got back home. We tried, I think three times total. I got a phone card. We would have an OK conversation and then one of us would get emotional. I told her that even so, I always felt better after we spoke. She told me I couldn't keep looking forward to our conversations and using them for strength. I had to get it from within myself. We tried to Skype once. I had decided that since it was an opportunity for her to see my face after a couple of weeks, she should really take a good look and make sure she felt like she made the right decision. She had said she didn't think it was a good idea to be talking so frequently. I read a letter I had written about how right we were for each other and how I thought our relationship deserved another chance. She replied that I haven't even accepted that we broke up. She said that she was going to have to act like the adult and cut off communication for awhile. I felt as if I screwed up a chance at communicating at all. I decided to accept her decision and give her the space she wanted.
That was about two and a half weeks ago.
Hi there, I saw your comment on Britney-Elizabeth's blog and I do agree with you, there are so many people going through bad breakups, trying to cope with it, and restart life... It's so hard!!! My girlfriend and I broke up this past friday after numerous attempts to make things work... I feel like the world is black and white now... I feel like I could use a good friend that is going through the samething and maybe we can help eachother get through this. If you feel the same way let me know and maybe we can exchange emails :)
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to hearing from you!
Good luck ladies, love is hard and wonderful but when it is over it's nothing but pain. All you can do is take the time to heal and try and understand what happened.
ReplyDeleteMeMyselfandI - I would love to hear your story too. This blog's purpose is not only to talk about my experience, but to hear from others about theirs as well. The world absolutely seems black and white many days still for me as well. I am only a month ahead of you, and it hasn't gotten much easier. I will consider an email exchange, but for the time being I am staying in the comfortable anonymity here until I can sort out my thoughts. Please do come back and let me know how you are doing. I have a lot more to say.
ReplyDeleteSandra - your words are very similar to what those closest to me have been saying. I know they are true. I know it is important to move forward. It just seems hard when you are at the bottom of the hill and it looks so high... What is your story? Thank you for your kind words of wisdom.
Yes, many many people echoed those same words to me when I had my break-up. And even though I knew it was true too it was hard, very hard. My story is long and complicated but here is a short version. Fell in love with my BF but didn't act on my feelings till senior year, we met as freshman. Once I reached out she said she felt the same way, that was in '97. We stayed to together for 10 YEARS, but our relationship never matured even as we did as individuals. We had SERIOUS issues that neither of us were willing to take on or even work on. Mainly because we could easily move on because we weren't dealing with them. We supported each others careers/education, moved around the country for each other, and spoke frequently about the future. We never came out to either of our families but both sides loved each of us and wanted us around during family time, which was awesome! 10 years later we decided on moving back to our hometown to basically start our family, but we had to talk about the issues and actually start working on them. In the end, only one of us wanted to stick around and deal with what we had to deal with and the other thought it would be best to work on ourselves alone and not together since we basically grew up in our relationship. She moved away and I stayed in our hometown. This happened 2 yrs. ago and I've seen her once and spoken to her once. I will always love her because she was my first love but we are better off not being together. However, I still wonder of what could have been? We are both "healthier" so I wonder if any love remains.
ReplyDeleteJeez, that's a tough one too. 10 years is avery long time to be with someone, especially in Lesbian Land. I feel for you. To begin as high school sweethearts and go through a decade where so much happens in life only to part at the end of it in unfathomable to me.
ReplyDeleteKnowing the family absolutely makes it difficult as well. Both of our families were aware of the situation. Hers was a bit more welcoming to it, but mine has come a long way since I came out about 10 years ago.
When you see a future with someone that includes having a family, that makes it rough too. I had never seen or wanted it so clearly before being with me ex. I had never had a clear direction as far as a career path, and when I met her, I thought my purpose may have been to be a great mother to our kids... I thought I figured it out. Hearing that I needed more than that going on was hard, but I guess it helped to at least realize I want that at some point.
When the two of you separated, did you both decide it was best not to stay in touch? Not being able to talk to my ex is what I struggle with most lately. I know it's necessary for a bit to heal properly, but it wasn't my decision. How did you guys reconnect that one time? how did that go? I am sure that love remains, at least in some form. Love can withstand so much - lying, cheating, distance. It is an amazing emotion that doesn't just die. It can be buried, but I don't believe it dies. Take comfort in knowing that she must be thinking about you too.
I can't believe it still kinda hurts to write this but I'm not gonna lie it kinda does. At the end, when we were saying goodbye I didn't have much to say but she did. She said she wanted to stay in touch and that she still loved me(OUCH)so whenever she could reach out she would. I didn't really care, I was heart broken and actually welcomed the distance, we texted each other mostly for the 1st month and it was ok. We weren't having deep convo.'s just exchanging hello's and how are you's and that was enough for me. But after that month things changed even though she said she wanted to stay in contact she stopped responding to the few texts I would send and then we would bicker about it so the exchanges weren't good for either of us so we stopped communicating. After a couple weeks she called me and I knew it wasn't going to be a good call, I actually knew she was calling to tell me she was going to start dating someone. And call me Ms. Cleo because I was right, I stayed calm even though it killed and I just said I didn't think I could be her friend right now and she said OK. She even said she still loved me after I said that, WTF!!!!!!!! Those were the last words she said to me and they haunted me for a long time. We saw each other because of a court case I was involved in and she was going to testify as a witness on my behalf. This happened in Aug. '09 (we broke up 12/07) and surprisingly, it went well, no fireworks or anything but we were civil. I asked for a hug, she gave it to me. As I pulled away I whispered in her ear that I missed her and she said I know. I apologized for my actions after the last time we spoke and that was basically it. The last thing I said to her was for her to consider speaking to me again and she said ok and that was the last time I spoke/saw her.
ReplyDeleteOh and thanks for the kinds words Dr. Lez B. In general, I do believe that love CAN withstand A LOT, but in this case it is VERY hard to believe. I like how you say, love can't die but can be buried. If anything I think this is the case or at least I hope it is. All the best!
ReplyDeleteSandra,
ReplyDeleteI congratulate you on your bravery that day you saw her. I am sure that gave her a lot to think about, and that she still in fact DOES think about it. I have a feeling you will be one if the first people she calls if her current situation does not work out. One of the things that helps get me through is believing in the love my ex and I had. It was real, and we both knew that. Remember the emotions and good times. If you see her again, be strong and happy. It can be hard of course, but seeing someone happy is attractive, especially if the breakup was difficult. Who knows what the future brings. I think we can all agree that stranger things have happened besides the possibility of getting back with an ex. I look forward to hearing about the next time you hear from her. I believe you will.