Reaching Out

I caved in the other day (sort of) and sent an email to my ex. She was expecting one at some point this month concerning some financial obligations we need to take care of together. I decided though, at the end, to write a few paragraphs regarding my disappointment in being taken out of her online social network. I have remained upset about this, especially since I have lately just decided to just let everything be; I don't want drama in my life and realized I shouldn't let things I cannot change bother me so much or consume my thoughts. My agitation around the issue was resulting from not being able to speak with her in person and defend myself.

What I wrote was basically this:

I believed she was made aware of the fact that I knew about the rumors over there. I was assuming that was why she cut off further communication from me. I expressed dismay at losing her and other friends ("F") over it, and stated that it made me sad because I was not aware of committing a crime that would warrant such action. I told her I haven't been in touch with my sources there for a bit and had no idea what was being said about me and my opinions in regard to the rumors, so all I could do was hope she would hear me out in the email.

I told her that the rumors were obviously distressing for me to hear but that I kept returning to the point that her life was her business and she could tell whomever she wanted whatever she wanted. I told her that as she knew, I had maintained a silence about the rumors because I didn't want to make them a big deal with her. I also refrained from asking her what the true story was in the email. I basically said that still I trusted her and her integrity and was not making what other people said my worry. I said the only reason I was breaking my silence now was because I didn't want to be put on a "side" of an issue that didn't even involve me.

I told her that I knew she was making decisions based on what she thought was best for her. I told her I could respect that. I said I missed her and still think she is wonderful and beautiful, and that her friendship remains important to me. I told her to remember she knows me, and the words we spoke to each other still remain valid and personal. Nothing I have heard will take that away. I wanted her to know my character hasn't changed, and I sincerely continue to wish her the best in every part of her life.

That's pretty much it. Everything I said was very honest, and similar to the feelings I have been conveying in my last couple of posts in this blog. I felt it was important to reach out to her and let her know that even though I have been making myself nuts a little bit, the other (better) half of me still has an indestructible confidence in her as a person. Even if she is with another, I know she is only doing what she believes is the best thing right now. The more I think about it though, the less I believe she is really with "F". I think she is working on herself.

And you know what? About 45 minutes after I sent that email, I got a response, much to my surprise. She said she was on her way out but was so touched by what I wrote she had to reply quickly to say she would reply fully at her earliest convenience. And she said she missed me too... terribly. I cried the first happy tears I have cried in months. Sending that email was the only thing that I felt I had to do that also felt right when I actually did it. My past emails were too much and I knew it. Naked honesty and trust was what she needed to hear, and I knew it and it paid off.

I didn't expect that response. I don't expect to be added back to her social network right now. I just wanted to separate myself from the drama. Screw the rumors. I am sure she has her hands full where she is, and the last thing she needed was to feel I was contributing to it or helping to spread it around from the other side of the globe. I want her to picture me doing my own thing and being happy. Any vision of the opposite will never help my case. I look forward to her full response at a later time. Even if she never sends one, just knowing I was able to touch that sensitive part of her again was worth it for me.